Or We Spend The Holiday With Your Sad Self and Make the Best Christmas Mulled Wine Recipe on the Internet OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
with the Army of Drunks
Here at Drunk Headquarters, we make one big assumption about our fans: If they’re the sort of person who likes our show, they’re probably the sort of person who spends Christmas alone in a dark apartment with the curtains drawn playing “Bad Santa” on a loop.
We realize this assumption probably unfair and inaccurate, but holding on to it is way easier than coming up with a new idea for a Christmas show every year.
So welcome once again to the Army of Drunks Christmas show, where we keep you company during that long lonely marathon of festivitude known as Christmas Day. O come, all ye A-holes!
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First, MixMa$ter Therm has worked up an awesome Christmas mulled wine recipe.
MIXMA$TER THERM’S CHRISTMAS MULLED WINE
Unlike some drinks, this is very much a “to taste” thing. This is the recipe as used in the show, and is a good starting point. Depending on the wine itself, or your preference for various flavors, you may want to tweak it a bit.
Written up for 750 ml of wine, can be doubled, tripled, etc as necessary.
- 1 bottle (750 ml) Shiraz/Syrah
- 3 Tbsp. white sugar
- 1 stick cinnamon
- 5 cloves
- 5 allspice berries
- 4 black peppercorns
- Peel of 1 orange (no pith. A potato peeler is excellent for this)
Put all ingredients in non-reactive pot. Simmer for at least 30 minutes, stirring occasionally until the sugar is fully dissolved. An hour is better, as the spices will have more chance to blend. (A slow-cooker is excellent for this) Ladle into warmed mugs for serving.
GRISLY’S COSMIC FRUIT BOWL
It was supposed to be a Christmas fruit cake, but once again we left the Allspice Dram at home. Instead, try this really fruity fruitbowl with notes of fruit. (It’s really delicious, for real, with notes of… I was gonna say “fruit.”)
- 1 can Grisly’s Cosmic Black
- 1/2 oz Cherry Liqueur (e.g. Luxardo, Maraschino, Herring, etc.)
- 1/2 oz Orange Liqueur (e.g. Cointreau, Grand Marnier, triple sec, etc.)
- 1/2 oz Apricot Liqueur (e.g. Guiffard’s, Drillaud’s, or whatever you can find.)
- Ice
- Cherry and/or Orange Slice to garnish the thing.
Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the Grisly’s about 3/4 of the way up. Add the liqueurs (so the fruit flavor is on the top). Stir (so the fruit flavor at least tries to mix in). Top with a cherry and an orange slice. Drink yourself to fruit heaven!
THE GREAT TURKEY DINNER TASTE-OFF!
If you’ve listened to the show, you know we taste-tested four frozen turkey dinners perfect for microwaving pathetically on a Christmas Day full of self-blame and regret. (Wow, that got kind of dark. Moving on…)
Here’s our rating system below:
| NAME | TURKEY | STUFFING & POTATOES | GREEN BEANS | SPECIAL | RECOMMEND? |
| Lean Cuisine | Not Bad but Not Much | Sad Potato Wedges is All | Very Sad | Nothin’ | Nobody loves it |
| Marie Callender’s | Allrightish | Mushy but OK | Also Sad | Nothin’ | Nope |
| Banquet | Uncanny Weird | Wow! Really Good! | Peas! | Only $1.99 | Buck and Matt say Yes |
| Angry-Man | A Little Thin But Good | A Tarty Paste | Happiest Beans in the Bunch | “Apple Dessert” | Shaft and Therm say Yes! |
Our verdict: Buy the Angry-Man dinner, and for two bucks get a Banquet as well and just eat the sides.
O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (traditional)
O come all ye A-holes
Joyless and pedantic
O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.
Come and behold him
For the King of A-Holes
O come let us abhor him,
O come let us backdoor him,
O come let us Al Gore him
Christ, I’m bored!
Buck’s Bandcamp page is here:
https://buckaedown.bandcamp.com
And, as always, Grisly’s Cosmic Black, the best damn bourbon and cola in a can!
http://shop.grislyscosmic.com/
Use code ARMY22 at checkout to get 10% off!
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