THE (CHARLES) DICK(ENS) PUNCH CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016

THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH
(a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016
with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz

Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself?  SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire.  (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)

Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic.  Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician!   And once again, our trusty improv musical guests  Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along.  We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause!  Merry Christmas!
Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)

• 3/4 cup sugar
• 3 lemons
• 2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
• 1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
• 5 cups hot water (or black tea)
• Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.

OK, pay attention here.  Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar.  Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil.  (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”)  And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire.  (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.)  Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out.  Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons.  (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you?  God, you’re an idiot.  Fish them out of the trash or start over.)  Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be.  If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg.  If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.

Serves about 6, we think.

HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER!
(Which we lifted from the NPR website.)

TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour.  Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste.  The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity.
 – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic!  You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood.  She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.

Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.

O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)

O come all ye a-holes
Joyless and pedantic
O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.

Come [unintelligible]
For the [unintelligible]
O come let us abhor him,
O come let us backdoor him,
O come ye [unintelligible]
Christ, I’m bored!

HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!

AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.

AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE…
Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing.
IMG_1574.MOV

We should migrate to SquareSpace.  We really should.