March is the Irishest month, and we’re getting Irish just under the wire with this incredible survey of Irish whiskeys brought to us courtesy of friend of the show and “whisketarian” Alex McKay.
This diabolical batard brought us a selection of liquid Irish gold that spanned the gamut between low-end unaged Irish “moonshine” to a bottle of 21 year old Redbreast that will set your average citizen back about $350. And because we want you to come away with from our show with more than just the sound of other people drinking whiskey, we’ve once again rated them with our unique Army of Drunks whiskey system: What Actor is This Booze?
Oh, and, of course, What Batman is This Booze? Why? Because we’re immature overgrown gen-x geeks who should never be trusted with anything.
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
Oh, and along the way, we discover what’s in Shaw’s Remote Craw, find out something we really didn’t want to know about Irish whiskey legend John Jameson, and test your knowledge of Lucky Charms magic marshmallows.
A few bottles from the suitcase o’ booze Alex brought over.
And the Hurricane Revisited with The Army of Drunks
The Army of Drunks Vieux Carré Show
OK, so we didn’t get the show up until after Mardi Gras! Did you ever consider we got it up way early for next year’s Mardi Gras? Did you? Huh??
In any event, welcome to our Mardi Gras show, where we revisit the old Mardi Gras classic cocktail known as the Hurricane, and take a deep dive on “The New Orleans Manhattan,” the Vieux Carré cocktail. (Pronounce that VOO-CARee, like you’re old-timey Creole, not fancy-pants French.) We also give a little history of Fat Tuesday, talk about that whole beads-for-boobs thing, and let you in on New Orleans’ official “How to Get Arrested at Mardi Gras” list. So pay attention!
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
THE VIEUX CARRÉ
Vieux Carré (accidentally served with an orange twist instead of a lemon one, and we’re sorry)
This New Orleans take on a Manhattan variant has a semi-storied history in the French Quarter, with cognac stepping in to take a little weight of the rye’s shoulder’s. The Benedictine also gives it some nice herbal grace notes, like a lone violinist in a second-line jazz street parade. (That metaphor sucks, but you get the idea.)
Mixma$ter Therm dialed back the vermouth from the original recipe to make what we think is a damn nice little boozy brouhaha.
1 oz Rye
1 oz conganc (or VSOP brandy if you have to substitute)
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1 teaspoon Benedictine
2 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
Pour all ingredients into mixing glass with ice cubes. Stir well. Strain into a rocks glass with ice, or into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry, lemon twist, or both. (And yeah, that’s an orange peel in that photo. We can only say we’re sorry.)
And now we revisit…
THE HURRICANE
The Hurricane Cocktail
The Hurricane is an odd beast, one of those cocktails where the recipe varies depending on which bar you’re in, or what corner of the internet you’re searching. We’ve covered this one before with a pretty standard formulation, but this time we decided we’d pull the recipe from Rebecca & Martin Cate’s tiki bible Smuggler’s Cove. We were shocked that for the first time ever, a recipe Smuggler’s Cove didn’t taste like something we’d call “definitive.” Therm tweaked it a bit, and the results were rather pleasing, indeed.
Here’s the official Army of Drunks Hurricane:
2 oz dark rum (or 1.5 oz dark rum, 1/2 oz dark overproof rum)
1/2 oz orange juice
1/2 oz lemon juice
1 1/4 oz passion fruit syrup (which yes, you can actually buy online)
Shake the rums, passion fruit syrup, and juice with ice, then pour over ice in a traditional “hurricane glass” (though a highball glass will work, too.) Garnish with an orange wheel and a cherry.* Ideally you should use crushed ice, but no one will arrest you if you don’t. You can also batch mix this in a blender if you’re having a party.
*Tropical and Tiki drinks are the few instances where using a maraschino cherry won’t get you kicked out of the Army of Drunks with a dishonorable discharge.
LINKS
Um… Was I supposed to link something in here? Damn. In my drunken fervor I probably forgot to write it down. Please drop us an angry message if we’re missing something.
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018 with Competitive Eater Doug Ecks
Yep. That’s how it’s spelled. Daiquiri. We looked it up.
It’s Summertime folks, and the drunks are back in town! In this episode, we’re enjoying a relaxing fruity beverage, trying not to think too much about the state of our democracy, and learning all about the fascinating world of competitive eating!
We’re joined by Doug Ecks, a man who can put away a frankly shocking amount of franks in a single sitting. We have so very many questions. By the end of this one, you’ll know a ton about Doug, Daiquiries, and damn little else.
AND WELCOME OUR NEW SPONSOR! 503 Distilling has a fantastic line cocktails in a can, for those times when you just don’t have the time, space, or gumption to mix your own damn drink. Between the Wicked Mule and the Blood Hound, they got your lazy drunken ways covered! Deliciously too, damn it!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME The Daiquiri
The classic daiquiri recipe is not that complicated. If you fuck it up, you’re not even competent enough to be drinking, much less drink-mixing. However, it never hurts to do the homework of squeezing your own limes and picking up a good rum for a change.*
2 oz light rum
1 oz fresh squeezed lime juice
1/2 oz simple syrup
Ice. Some say crushed.
First you need to chill your glass, because it’s hot in Cuba. Put some ice in it and set it aside, like any kindergarten-level bartender knows to do. Then put some ice in a cocktail shaker and throw in your ingredients. (Throw is a metaphor, here. Don’t throw any liquids unless you are secretly Avatar: The Last Booze-Bender and have supernatural control over cocktails. If this is the case, also please be training to battle the Lord of the Sober Nation.) Shake the mixture up good. Remove the ice from your glass and lovingly pour in the magic cocktail juice. Garnish with a lime wheel and enjoy. WE SAID ENJOY, YOU BASTARD!
NOTE: Some recipes call for you to use straight sugar instead of simple syrup. This is Next Level Shit™, and we don’t recommend you try it without a lot of practice first. The results can be uncomfortably granular and not nearly sweet enough.
We also tried a bastardized version of the New York Times’ Banana Daiquiri recipe. Bastardized in that Shaft forgot to buy orange juice so we just plum left it out. Still, it’s the best banana daiquiri we’ve ever had, and we used to frequent TGI Friday’s in our young, embarrassing years.
(By the way, the next time you hear Unhinged Chucklehead Donald Trump call the New York Times “failing,” point out to him that they’ve done a hell of a lot more to promote banana daiquiris in this country than he has. Then please kick him in the goolies for us, since you’ve obviously gotten close enough to talk to his bloated orange face.)
The Times’ recipe is:
2 ½ounces dark rum
2 ½ounces light rum
3ounces lime juice
2ounces orange juice (which we forgot and it turned out great anyway)
2large, very ripe, frozen bananas, sliced
1ounce simple syrup
2cups ice
Mix everything up in a blender. Pour it all in a glass. Throw fruit on top to make it look cute. Pour down chest. Pretend it’s spring break.
The Hemingway Daiquiri
The version Ernest made famous, also called “The Papa Doble,” because it needed twice the rum to satisfy a man of such massive manliness. Imbibe magazine’s Hemingway Daiquiri recipe is as good as you’ll find anywhere, so go check them out.
He’s also on Facebook if you really need to get a hold of him, but you can search for that. We’re not enabling any of you hotdog-stalkers.
STUFF YOU SHOULD BUY!
Once again, we brought up the Smuggler’s Cove book. If you don’t own it already, buy it through our Army of Drunks link and we’ll get to keep a few cents off the sale. Jeff Bezos is a god damn saint, isn’t he?
HOT BUTTERED RUM CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2017 with Rico Gagliano of The Dinner Party Download
and Andy Hermann, former music editor of the LA Weekly
“The Worst of 2017!”
Let’s face it, it’s been a shitty year. Mass shootings. Government lootings. Putin still pooting. Trump still doing crazed lying narcissist things that don’t rhyme with “ooting.” (Though we maybe could have stretched it to involve “#metoo-ing.”)
And if you live in L.A., you got to suffer sale of our longest-running independent newspaper to a bunch of douchebag lawyers from Orange County who fired the whole staff, then put out ads asking ,”Hey, who wants to work for free?”
What can make these holiday horror cookies go down easier? HOT BUTTERED RUM, of course! And we’ll tell you its damn not-that-storied history while we get loaded on it.
We also get the inside story of how the ugliness at the LA Weekly went down direct from Andy Hermann. Then we talk to former Dinner Party Download host Rico Gagliano about what it’s like to wrap-up a ten-year-old podcast without a single sexual harassment scandal.
Oh, and we all die on the side of a mountain. TRUE!
Usually we translate MixMa$ter Therm’s Beautiful Mind-style cocktail notes into something we all can understand, but in this case he’s spelled the whole process out for the ape-like laymen we are. Here are his notes, verbatim.
Hot Buttered Rum:
2 TBSP batter (below)
2 oz dark rum
4 oz boiling water
Put batter in bottom of mug or glass. Pour in half of the boiling water and stir to incorporate batter. Add rum and rest of water.
– Alt method – Put water and rum in glass, then top with batter. (we can try both during the show, if I don’t get to trying them both first and picking a winner)
HBR Batter – Classic:
1 stick (4 oz) butter*, room temperature
8oz brown sugar
1 1/2 TBSP Pumpkin Pie Spice (store-bought, or make your own)
Cream butter and sugar together**. Add and mix-in spices. Store in refrigerator.
HBR Batter – Therm special Edition:
As above, plus 1 tsp vanilla extract and 2 TBSP browned butter (cool before adding).
Notes:
*butter – It’s a key ingredient in your drink, and it’s a special occasion; go ahead and splurge on a decent one!
**Creaming butter and sugar – basically, put them in a mixer (butter first, add sugar a bit at a time) until it’s well combined and a bit fluffy. Look it up on the Internet if you’re unsure.
Have fun with the spices. This is your opportunity to create your own, signature mix. (Then sign the pile of loose spicy powder to make sure everyone knows it’s your signature)
Some recipes use spiced rum. I think this shows a lack of faith in your batter. If you don’t think the final result is flavorful enough, improve your batter.
Basic spice mix for this amount:
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp fresh-grated nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground allspice
1/4 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
First of all, if you’re curious about the state of the LA Weekly, read this lovely little article from the Columbia Journalism Review, “Just sell the paper and go home.”
Next, if you want to buy Rico Gagliano’s revolutionary new book BRUNCH IS HELL, do it here and the Army of Drunks will get a tiny, tiny kickback from amazon. And yes, he makes a compelling argument why this social ritual we call “brunch” really is a howling abomination.
But he was kind enough to make a BEST ALBUMS OF 2017 list for all his friends. We’re reprinting it here without his permission. Because that’s the kind of people we are.
THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH (a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016 with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz
Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself? SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire. (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)
Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic. Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician! And once again, our trusty improv musical guests Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along. We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause! Merry Christmas! Or listen directly here!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)
3/4 cup sugar
3 lemons
2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
5 cups hot water (or black tea)
Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.
OK, pay attention here. Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar. Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil. (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”) And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire. (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.) Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out. Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons. (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you? God, you’re an idiot. Fish them out of the trash or start over.) Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be. If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg. If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.
Serves about 6, we think.
HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER! (Which we lifted from the NPR website.)
TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour. Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste. The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity. – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic! You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood. She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.
Simone Turkington: The left half of Mystiki Magic.
Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.
Josh Kamensky and Scott Passarella of Surprise Inside at Drunkstudios, Pasadena.
O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)
O come all ye a-holes Joyless and pedantic O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.
Come [unintelligible] For the [unintelligible] O come let us abhor him, O come let us backdoor him, O come ye [unintelligible] Christ, I’m bored!
HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!
A middle finger to decency.
AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.
Another middle finger to decency.
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE… Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing. IMG_1574.MOV
We should migrate to SquareSpace. We really should.
THE COSMOPOLITAN SHOW
With Jackie Monahan
and Special Guest-Spork Katie Massa
In honor of both Valentine’s Day and Lincoln’s Birthday, we investigate the Cosmopolitan cocktail, the drink made famous as the biggest “girlie” drink of the last decade. But is it more “gay” than “girlie?” And does that even matter to an evolved drunk such as yourself? We also sit down with comedienne Jackie Monahan, who tells us what it’s like to be a “lesbian comedian” who starts dating a guy. Plus, guest Spork Katie Massa, pantsless booze news, and Shaw has the conch!* (Very NSFW, very LGBT-friendly!)
1 1/2 ozvodka (or vodka citron, or your own citrus- infused vodka if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 ozRose’s® lime juice (or fresh-squeezed lime juice if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 ozcranberry juice (or unfiltered cranberry juice plus simple syrup if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 oz triple sec (or Contreau if you’re MixMa$ter Therm, or you weren’t raised behind a free clinic)
Put all ingredients in a shaker. Shake like you mean it. Pour into a martini glass. Garnish with lemon slice or orange slice. Pretend “Sex in the City” is still on the air.
THE HOT TODDY CHRISTMAS EVE SPECIAL
with Everybody Get In Here
Don’t spend Christmas Eve drinking sad and alone! Spend it drinking sad and alone with the Army of Drunks! Join musical guest improv comedy band Everybody Get In Here as we learn the history of the Hot Toddy, the drink King George the First called “laxative.” We also learn about Spork’s trip to a Russian Christmas Gun Party, devise cocktails based on 2014’s biggest assholes, and find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw on our slightly-longer Christmas Eve special.
EVERYBODY GET IN HERE ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/EverybodyGetInHere
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Army of Drunks Hot Toddy
1 1/2 oz bourbon
1 tablespoon honey
lemon
1/4 cup boiling-hot water
Cinnamon stick
Clove studs
Pour bourbon and honey into a mug. Slice up lemon, because it’s useless to you whole. Add a slice of lemon to your water and boil it in whatever way makes you feel safe. Take another slice and stud it with cloves for no other reason than it looks cool. Pour boiling water into mug with honey-booze mixture. Add cinnamon stick and clove-studded lemon slice. Drink until you feel good about Christmas.
Learn about the history of Christmas’ biggest egg-and-dairy-based alcoholic tradition, and why some folks like to leave their nog out before they get their nog on. Comedian Derek Jones tells us about Los Angeles’ biggest Ugly Sweater Party, and how a Moose takes a mistress. Also, we play “Name That Sex Act” holiday edition, and find out What’s in Shaw’s Craw!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
THE ARMY OF DRUNKS EGGNOG TROUGH
(A recipe bastardized from Alton Brown and Martha Stewart.) NOTE: This recipe can be cut in half, or a third, if you just don’t have enough friends to consume it all, and if you’re a fan of our podcast, you probably don’t.
12 egg yolks
1 cup, plus 3 tablespoons sugar
1 & 1/2 quarts whole milk
3 cups heavy cream
1 tablespoon freshly grated nutmeg
12 egg whites (to save for servin’ time)
1 cup bourbon
1/2 cup dark rum
1/2 cup brandy or congnac
DIRECTIONS
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until it is completely dissolved. Add the milk, cream, booze and nutmeg and stir to combine. Then let age for six months if you have time, maybe overnight if you don’t.
When it comes time to serve the glorious nog, place the egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Whisk the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve. (Though you should have chilled it *way* before now. If you aged your eggnog by leaving it by the fireplace, start over.)
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S EGGNOG RECIPE “One quart cream, one quart milk, one dozen tablespoons sugar, one pint brandy, 1/2 pint rye whiskey, 1/2 pint Jamaica rum, 1/4 pint sherry—mix liquor first, then separate yolks and whites of eggs, add sugar to beaten yolks, mix well. Add milk and cream, slowly beating. Beat whites of eggs until stiff and fold slowly into mixture. Let set in cool place for several days. Taste frequently.” Historians believe he used a dozen eggs. Why? Because freedom.
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018
