THE ARMY OF DRUNKS PODCAST

donald trump

THE (CHARLES) DICK(ENS) PUNCH CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016

By Eric

THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH
(a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016
with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz

Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself?  SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire.  (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)

Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic.  Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician!   And once again, our trusty improv musical guests  Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along.  We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause!  Merry Christmas!
Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)

  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 3 lemons
  • 2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
  • 1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
  • 5 cups hot water (or black tea)
  • Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.

OK, pay attention here.  Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar.  Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil.  (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”)  And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire.  (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.)  Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out.  Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons.  (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you?  God, you’re an idiot.  Fish them out of the trash or start over.)  Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be.  If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg.  If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.

Serves about 6, we think.

HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER!
(Which we lifted from the NPR website.)

TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour.  Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste.  The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity.
 – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic!  You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood.  She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.

Simone Turkington: The left half of Mystiki Magic.

Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.

Josh Kamensky and Scott Passarella of Surprise Inside at Drunkstudios, Pasadena.

O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)

O come all ye a-holes
Joyless and pedantic
O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.

Come [unintelligible]
For the [unintelligible]
O come let us abhor him,
O come let us backdoor him,
O come ye [unintelligible]
Christ, I’m bored!

HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!

A middle finger to decency.

AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.

Another middle finger to decency.

AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE…
Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing.
IMG_1574.MOV

We should migrate to SquareSpace.  We really should.

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SUMMER TIKI SPECIAL 2016

By Eric

SUMMER TIKI SPECIAL 2016
Featuring the Mai Tai and Singapore Sling
With Comedian Katie Massa
Subscribe on iTunes here!

It’s August!  What better time for lounging by the pool and getting drunk as a Hawaiian sunset?  We’ve been away for a while, but before this long hot summer passes into misty memory, the Drunks have brought you an extra special, extra-extended parade of TIKI, damn it!

We plumb the Pacific depths of the only genre of cocktails spawned from a theme restaurant.  Learn how Don the Beachcomber unwittingly founded the Tiki movement in pre-WWII California, and how competitor Trader Vic took it nation-wide from — believe it nor not — Oakland.   Then learn the history of the MAI TAI, the flagship tiki cocktail, and the SINGAPORE SLING, an outside-the-Polynesian-triangle addition to the tiki pantheon.

Matt Shaw also tells us about his distillery tour of Scotland.  Yes, someone let Matt Shaw loose in the land where they make scotch.  Katie Massa tells us how People are Horrible™. Buck expounds on what it means to get “Tiki Drunk.”   We solve the urgent riddle of Zsa Zsa Gabor: alive or dead? And we play “Name That Sex Act: Trump Edition.”  (NSFW as always.)

Subscribe on iTunes here!

Or listen directly here!

BUT FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS!  THIS GODDAMN BOOK!
Before we go too far, this is the flat-out amazing Tiki book we referenced during the show, Smuggler’s Cove by Martin Cate and Rebecca Cate.  It goes deep into the kelp on the true origins of all the Polynesian cocktails you sort-of know and think you probably would love if you could only try one.   It also contains the ORIGINAL MAI TAI recipe we tried.  (We’d post it here, but we don’t want to deny Martin & Rebecca their hard-earned book royalties.)   If you love Tiki as much as you love life itself, or even slightly less, go buy it right now!

And if you need your bad self some good Tiki mugs, we used this plucky little set.

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Mai Tai!

  • 1 oz (2 tablespoons) dark rum
  • 1 oz (2 tablespoons) amber rum
  • 2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
  • 1/2 oz (1 tablespoon) Cointreau (or triple sec or Curaçao)
  • 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
  • 1 teaspoon orgeat syrup  (or 1 drop pure almond extract)
  • 1 teaspoon superfine granulated sugar
  • Dash of grenadine
  • Garnish: an orange slice, or Lime rind and mint sprig

Shake all of the ingredients with ice, pour into a highball glass with a straw.  Or a tiki glass, or a Tiki mug if you want to go full-Tiki.

Note: Martin Cate suggests you add the juice of half a fresh lime after the pour, to keep it from over-liming the whole drink.  YMMV.  There’s also some debate over the proper garnish.  Apparently the classic Mai Tai uses a mint sprig with the lime rind, while the more modern Tiki-slinger can go with an orange slice, or any of the usual Tiki umbrella/fruit combos.

DRINK MORE AT HOME!
The Singapore Sling!

  • 1 1⁄2 ounces gin
  • 1⁄2 ounce cherry heering
  • 1⁄4 ounce Cointreau liqueur
  • 1⁄4 ounce benedictine
  • 4 ounces pineapple juice
  • 1⁄2 ounce lime juice
  • 1⁄3 ounce grenadine
  • 1 dash bitters

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with shakable ice.  Strain into a highball glass or Tiki mug.  Garnish with whatever festive Tiki regalia you have at your disposal.  (But anything involving pineapple never hurts.)

FINALLY, THE COCONUT!
From the Gentleman Callers of Los Angeles

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