THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW with The Performer Known as T.J. Former D!sney Costumed Character
“Who’s easier to kick in the nuts: Tigger or Captain Hook?”
Ever go to a big-time theme park and wonder just who the poor suffering bastard is inside the Tigger costume? Well, now you can find out!
Meet T.J., a man who spent years as a character performer at D!sney World, and doesn’t mind talking about it. (But we’re worried the Mouse might come after us, so we’re spelling it “D!sney,” just to fool the Googlers. That Mouse plays hardball, man.)
Meanwhile, we get drunk on the Suffering Bastard cocktail, the hangover cure made so famous during WWII, that General Rommel himself wanted to invade Cairo to get one. *
1 oz Bourbon (or Brandy, depending on how old-school you’re feeling)
1 tsp Fresh Lime Juice (or sweetened, depending on how sweet you’re feeling)
2 dashes Angostura Bitters
Ginger Ale (or ginger beer, depending on how ginger you’re feeling)
Mint Leaves to garnish (or a cherry, or a lemon slice, depending on how garnished you’re feeling)
Combine the booze, the lime juice and the bitters in a cocktail shaker, and shake well with ice. (Hey, put the ice in first, that’s how they usually do it.) Strain into an ice-fulled highball or collins glass, and then top it off with ginger ale. Mint leaves are the traditional garnish, but we like a cherry for the more tropical feel. Look, garnish is a personal thing, like hats.
Bastard-creator Joe Scialom also went on to create two more drinks, the Dying Bastard and the Dead Bastard. Each just contained greater combinations of alcohol. We can’t vouch for them, but for historical and academic purposes, we present the recipes here as we found them.* As with the Suffering, use a cocktail shaker, etc. etc.
The Dying Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
2 dashes Angustora bitters
The Dead Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce rum (light)
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
1 dash Angustora bitters
As for why the Dead Bastard takes it easy on the bitters, we have no idea.
THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH (a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016 with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz
Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself? SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire. (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)
Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic. Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician! And once again, our trusty improv musical guests Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along. We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause! Merry Christmas! Or listen directly here!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)
3/4 cup sugar
3 lemons
2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
5 cups hot water (or black tea)
Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.
OK, pay attention here. Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar. Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil. (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”) And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire. (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.) Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out. Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons. (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you? God, you’re an idiot. Fish them out of the trash or start over.) Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be. If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg. If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.
Serves about 6, we think.
HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER! (Which we lifted from the NPR website.)
TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour. Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste. The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity. – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic! You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood. She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.
Simone Turkington: The left half of Mystiki Magic.
Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.
Josh Kamensky and Scott Passarella of Surprise Inside at Drunkstudios, Pasadena.
O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)
O come all ye a-holes Joyless and pedantic O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.
Come [unintelligible] For the [unintelligible] O come let us abhor him, O come let us backdoor him, O come ye [unintelligible] Christ, I’m bored!
HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!
A middle finger to decency.
AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.
Another middle finger to decency.
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE… Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing. IMG_1574.MOV
We should migrate to SquareSpace. We really should.
THE CORPSE REVIVER SHOW With Mortician Amber Carvaly & Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden & Guest Bartender James Slay Subscribe on iTunes here!
Welcome to our Halloween show! And how better to celebrate the season of spooks, costume parties, and candy comas than by plunging headlong into death! Our guest is Amber Carvaly (Undertaking LA), a mortician with a mission to bring the funeral back into the hands of the bereaved and away from corporate casket-dealing bastards, and we get in deep conversation about death, dying, and whether you should be buried with your keno chips.
And our drink is the Corpse Reviver, versions number one and (the more common) number two, a class of drink as old as the 19th century, but brought into popularity by one man during prohibition. We try both the old-school brandy-based beverage, and the more brunch-friendly gin-and-lemon version. Which will revive a corpse faster? You be the judge!
And with us again is special guest host Aydrea Walden, creator of The Oreo Experience blog, and guest bartender James Slay… Because Spork and Therm are dead! (Alert Bela Lugosi.) (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Corpse Reviver no. 1
(The olde-timey one.)
2 parts Cognac
1 part Calvados or Apple Brandy
1 part Sweet Vermouth
Stir ingredients together with ice. Pour into a cocktail glass, or if you’re appropriately schmancy, a coupe glass. Administer to ease the walking dead hangover.
The Corpse Reviver no. 2 (The citrusy bunch-friendly one)
One part (or 3/4 oz) Gin
One part(or 3/4 oz) Cointreau or Curacao
One part (or 3/4 oz) Lillet Blanc
One part (or, wait for it… 3/4 oz) Lemon Juice
One dash Absinthe
Strain all the ingredients together into a shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Drink. And to quote Harry Craddock, inventor of the Corpse Reviver no. 2, “Four of these taken in quick succession will unrevive the corpse again.”
The Savoy Cocktail book by Henry Craddock is an indispensable tome for all lovers of classic cocktails. A direct reprint of the original 1930 volume, this book is home to the original recipe for the Corpse Revivers no. 1&2, as well as dozens of prohibition-era drinks. Drink like you’re historic, man!
Amber Carvaly’s partner in crime at Undertaking L.A. is Caitlin Doughty, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and one of the foremost advocates for a more natural approach to caring for the dead. Her book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes recounts her time working in a crematorium. Damn, it’s fascinating.
