March is the Irishest month, and we’re getting Irish just under the wire with this incredible survey of Irish whiskeys brought to us courtesy of friend of the show and “whisketarian” Alex McKay.
This diabolical batard brought us a selection of liquid Irish gold that spanned the gamut between low-end unaged Irish “moonshine” to a bottle of 21 year old Redbreast that will set your average citizen back about $350. And because we want you to come away with from our show with more than just the sound of other people drinking whiskey, we’ve once again rated them with our unique Army of Drunks whiskey system: What Actor is This Booze?
Oh, and, of course, What Batman is This Booze? Why? Because we’re immature overgrown gen-x geeks who should never be trusted with anything.
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
Oh, and along the way, we discover what’s in Shaw’s Remote Craw, find out something we really didn’t want to know about Irish whiskey legend John Jameson, and test your knowledge of Lucky Charms magic marshmallows.
A few bottles from the suitcase o’ booze Alex brought over.
And the Hurricane Revisited with The Army of Drunks
The Army of Drunks Vieux Carré Show
OK, so we didn’t get the show up until after Mardi Gras! Did you ever consider we got it up way early for next year’s Mardi Gras? Did you? Huh??
In any event, welcome to our Mardi Gras show, where we revisit the old Mardi Gras classic cocktail known as the Hurricane, and take a deep dive on “The New Orleans Manhattan,” the Vieux Carré cocktail. (Pronounce that VOO-CARee, like you’re old-timey Creole, not fancy-pants French.) We also give a little history of Fat Tuesday, talk about that whole beads-for-boobs thing, and let you in on New Orleans’ official “How to Get Arrested at Mardi Gras” list. So pay attention!
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
THE VIEUX CARRÉ
Vieux Carré (accidentally served with an orange twist instead of a lemon one, and we’re sorry)
This New Orleans take on a Manhattan variant has a semi-storied history in the French Quarter, with cognac stepping in to take a little weight of the rye’s shoulder’s. The Benedictine also gives it some nice herbal grace notes, like a lone violinist in a second-line jazz street parade. (That metaphor sucks, but you get the idea.)
Mixma$ter Therm dialed back the vermouth from the original recipe to make what we think is a damn nice little boozy brouhaha.
1 oz Rye
1 oz conganc (or VSOP brandy if you have to substitute)
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1 teaspoon Benedictine
2 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
Pour all ingredients into mixing glass with ice cubes. Stir well. Strain into a rocks glass with ice, or into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry, lemon twist, or both. (And yeah, that’s an orange peel in that photo. We can only say we’re sorry.)
And now we revisit…
THE HURRICANE
The Hurricane Cocktail
The Hurricane is an odd beast, one of those cocktails where the recipe varies depending on which bar you’re in, or what corner of the internet you’re searching. We’ve covered this one before with a pretty standard formulation, but this time we decided we’d pull the recipe from Rebecca & Martin Cate’s tiki bible Smuggler’s Cove. We were shocked that for the first time ever, a recipe Smuggler’s Cove didn’t taste like something we’d call “definitive.” Therm tweaked it a bit, and the results were rather pleasing, indeed.
Here’s the official Army of Drunks Hurricane:
2 oz dark rum (or 1.5 oz dark rum, 1/2 oz dark overproof rum)
1/2 oz orange juice
1/2 oz lemon juice
1 1/4 oz passion fruit syrup (which yes, you can actually buy online)
Shake the rums, passion fruit syrup, and juice with ice, then pour over ice in a traditional “hurricane glass” (though a highball glass will work, too.) Garnish with an orange wheel and a cherry.* Ideally you should use crushed ice, but no one will arrest you if you don’t. You can also batch mix this in a blender if you’re having a party.
*Tropical and Tiki drinks are the few instances where using a maraschino cherry won’t get you kicked out of the Army of Drunks with a dishonorable discharge.
LINKS
Um… Was I supposed to link something in here? Damn. In my drunken fervor I probably forgot to write it down. Please drop us an angry message if we’re missing something.
OR: We make cocktail recipes generated by ChatGPT and ask a drunk scientist to forgive us for our transgressions.
Welcome to our Artificial Intelligence show! (As opposed to the Natural Stupidity we usually practice.) A show so packed with big-brain content, we broke it in two parts.
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
Part one: This is the part packed with the nutritious information your brain craves. Let’s start with “Everything You Know About A.I. is Probably Wrong,” and move forward from there. Our guest, returning “drunk scientist” Ian McEwan answers all of our inebriated newbie questions about A.I., ChatGPT, and whether we’re all gonna end up in a singularity.
Part two: This is the part packed with drunken bullshit. Ian had to get the hell out of Buck’s kitchen and go home, so we were left with our own drunks selves, two AI cocktails to go, and a lot of drunken rambling about… A.I.’s, cocktails, tiki bars, and just about everything else at some point. And we end with a good-time fun-time game-time ha-ha thing!
THE A.I. GENERATED COCKTAIL RECIPES
We asked ChatGPT to work up a cocktail recipe based on our names, with only a little guidance. A couple of them were clearly made by an intelligence that had never tasted liquor before. Fortunately, MixMa$ter Therm was there to make some adjustments in the places where the computer went off the rails. It’s like the cocktail equivalent of Midjourney’s six-fingered hands. The recipe alterations are presented in the recipes for clarity, and we’ve set Therm’s fixes as the defaults. Seriously, no reason not to start with the version that involved some human intervention, unless you seriously have a thing for six-fingered hands.
THE SHAW’S CRAW
An AI-generated image of the Shaw’s Craw Cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe called “Shaw’s Craw” that uses gin and has a bit of an “angry” kick.
• 2 oz of gin • 3/4 oz of fresh lime juice • 1/2 oz of simple syrup • 1/4 oz of green Chartreuse • 1/4 oz of Campari • 2 dashes of Angostura bitters • Lime wheel for garnish
Directions: In a shaker, combine gin, lime juice, simple syrup, green Chartreuse, Campari, and bitters. Add ice and shake well. Strain into a rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with a lime wheel.
Our verdict: Damn nice, indeed! It may not remind you of Matt Shaw, but it does remind you of his craw.
THE THERMAL EYE
An AI-generated image of the Thermal Eye cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe for a drink called the Thermal Eye, that is complex and has a “thermal” quality to it:
• 2 oz of mezcal • 1/4 oz absinthe (ChatGPT said 1/2 oz) • 1/2 oz of pineapple juice • 1/2 oz of honey syrup • 1/4 oz of lime juice • 1/2 oz of jalapeño simple syrup (ChatGPT said 1/4 oz) • 2 dashes of mole bitters • A slice of jalapeño for garnish
Directions: In a shaker, combine mezcal, absinthe, pineapple juice, honey syrup, lime juice, jalapeño simple syrup, and mole bitters. Add ice and shake well. Strain into a rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with a slice of jalapeño.
Our verdict: Also a damn nice drink with Therm’s adjustments. Sweet and spicy without being “hot.” It was essential to pull back on the absinthe, since a little of that stuff goes a very long way. Therm also bumped up the jalapeño syrup so the flavor had an actual presence.
THE SHAFT TAKES MANHATTAN
An AI-generated image of a Shaft Takes Manhattan cocktail
Ok, the original request got lost when we copied the text. We probably asked for a “complex” take on the Manhattan and the AI probably responded as it usually does, by adding green chartreuse and absinthe. This is the revised version.
“Sure, here’s a new recipe for a ‘Shaft Manhattan’ cocktail:”
• 2 oz Rye whiskey • 1/2 oz sweet vermouth • 1/4 oz maraschino liqueur • 1/4 oz Cynar • 2 dashes of orange bitters • Orange peel, for garnish
Directions: In a mixing glass, combine the rye whiskey, sweet vermouth, maraschino liqueur, Cynar and orange bitters. Fill the mixing glass with ice and stir until chilled. Strain the mixture into a chilled cocktail glass. Express the oil from an orange peel over the top of the drink and drop it in.
Our verdict: Yep, it tastes like a high-end Manhattan you might pay a lot for in a crafty cocktail bar. The Cynar and maraschino take the edge off the rye with the combination of Cybar’s complex bitterness and maraschino’s cherry sweetness. Shaft himself wondered if the flavor was just more pleasant than distinctive, but we wouldn’t throw it out of New York for eatin’ crackers.
THE BUCK DOWN
Yes, appropriately AI-generated image of a Buck Down cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe called “The Buck Down” that contains bourbon and has a retrofuturist feel? (Yes, we said “retrofuturist.”)
• 2 oz bourbon • 1/2 oz coffee liqueur (ChatGPT says use cold brew coffee liqueur) • 1/4 oz honey syrup • 2 dashes of chocolate bitters • 1 dash of absinthe for garnish (ChatGPT said 1/4 oz absinthe)
Directions: In a mixing glass, combine bourbon, cold brew coffee liqueur, absinthe, honey syrup, and chocolate bitters. Add ice and stir until chilled. Strain into a glass. Garnish with a dash of absinthe. Enjoy your retro-futuristic cocktail, “The Buck Down”!
AI’s Notes: • For honey syrup, mix equal parts honey and hot water until the honey is dissolved • To give it a more retro-futuristic feel, you can serve it in a vintage glassware. (Oh yes it did. It hung the futurist feel on the glassware. Cheap cop-out, GPT.)
Our Verdict: Another real nice creation when you lose the absinthe. The coffee liqueur complements the bourbon and gives it a sweet richness. (We used classic Kaluha because it was what we could get our hands on, the AI recommends a cold brew coffee liqueur.) And ok, we admit just one dash of absinthe doesn’t hurt it one damn bit.
FINDING IAN MCEWAN
If you want to catch up with Ian, the best place to find him is on his Mastadon account. He says it’s…
You heard him all throughout the background of the show. At last, the images can be released! This is Floyd the bulldog, the finest creation ever to come out of the Jim Henson Creature Shop in its history.
The Autumnal A.F. 2022 Guide to California State Ballot Measures Show With Jason Berlin
“A vote is not a love letter. It’s a chess move toward the world you want to live in.”
Yes, drunken listeners, you’ve come to rely on us for your voting decisions, and you need to take a hard look at yourself for that.
Yes, it’s our annual guide to California State Ballot Measures. Jason Berlin of voter registration org Field Team 6 walks us through The Drinking Person’s vote.
And we have no fewer than three – THREE! – autumnal cocktails to keep your insides warm as the leaves fall on your liver.
– The Maple Bourbon Smash – The Cider Mimosa – Grisly’s Cosmic Sweater
So check it out and bring a pen to remember all this damn stuff!
AND HERE’S WHERE WE USED TO EMBED THE SHOW UNTIL WORDPRESS DECIDED TO SUCK EVEN HARDER AND LIBSYN STOOD BY AND WATCHED US BLEED OUT ON THE SIDEWALK. Just use the link here:
1/2 ounce pure maple syrup, preferably Grade A Dark Amber
1/2 ounce fresh orange juice
1/4 ounce fresh lemon juice
4 dashes of Angostura bitters
1/2 orange wheel
2 ounces bourbon
1 1/2 ounces chilled seltzer
Ice
In a rocks glass, combine the maple syrup with the orange juice, lemon juice and bitters. Add the orange wheel and lightly muddle. Add the bourbon and stir well. Fill the glass with ice and top with the chilled seltzer.
On a small plate, combine sugar and cinnamon. Dip champagne flutes in water to wet the rims, then dip in cinnamon sugar mixture. Fill champagne flutes 1/4 full with apple cider, then top off with champagne.
GRISLY’S COSMIC CARDIGAN (a.k.a. Grisly’s Cosmic Sweater, which we call it in the damn show)
Fill a pint glass with ice, Pour in rum and allspice dram. Add a can of Grisly’s cosmic black. Garnish with orange peel cut into the shape of a leaf or a sweater or something to give it “That Fall Feel.” (Yeah, we’ll put a damn photo up soon. We were drunk and forgot to take one.)
And, as always, Grisly’s Cosmic Black, the best damn bourbon and cola in a can! http://shop.grislyscosmic.com/ Use code ARMY22 at checkout to get 10% off!
The 2022 Shameless Burning Man Show With Andie Grace and Tabitha Hewitt.
Yes, this is the one where we taste-test the best drinks for Burning Man. So listen up, chump!
EVERYONE: “Hey assmonkeys, when are you going to put up the Burning Man 2022 show notes?”
US: “Jesus, at least two months after the event is over. Three if we really put our heads down and apply ourselves. Why?”
So just how many of our fans are Burning Man types? Well, from the comments we get, a lot more than those of you so-called “regular people” who stay at home on Labor Day weekend NOT telling us just how much you like us, even if how much is “not very.”
And since so many of our fans are Burners, we figured why not just lean into it and shameless;y do a show around that damn thing they do in the desert? And as a public service to all of our Burner fans, we’re taste-testing all of those weird desert cocktails you mix out there in the playa hoping against all reason that combining alcohol and electrolytes will magically keep the booze from dehydrating you along with the sauna-grade heat and sub-zero humidity.*
*So what if sub-zero humidity isn’t scientifically possible. We don’t care. If you’ve been there, you know what we’re talking about.
We also talk to two experienced BMorg official-type-people types to find out just what the hell is going on behind the scenes at Burning Man. Spoiler: None of it is about drug orgies, pagan rituals, or cops on molly.
But before that, let us shamelessly plug the one drink everyone loved: The Grisly’s Cosmic Float! (Full disclosure: Yes, this is the company one of us owns. Sorry.)
RECIPE: Crush the cookies into crumbs. Rim a large glass with caramel and dip it in a bowl of cookie crumbs to make it look all crumb-covered and stuff. Put a scoop of vanilla ice cream, then a big shot of caramel sauce, and pour in the Grisly’s Cosmic Black. Top it with whipped cream and a whole cookie, then drink it like a boss!
Or watch the video that wordpress won’t embed right here!
And now, onto the Playa Classics! NOTE: all drinks involve mixing in the same damn glass you’re going to drink the thing out of, in whatever ratio seems to make sense to you at the time.
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018 with Competitive Eater Doug Ecks
Yep. That’s how it’s spelled. Daiquiri. We looked it up.
It’s Summertime folks, and the drunks are back in town! In this episode, we’re enjoying a relaxing fruity beverage, trying not to think too much about the state of our democracy, and learning all about the fascinating world of competitive eating!
We’re joined by Doug Ecks, a man who can put away a frankly shocking amount of franks in a single sitting. We have so very many questions. By the end of this one, you’ll know a ton about Doug, Daiquiries, and damn little else.
AND WELCOME OUR NEW SPONSOR! 503 Distilling has a fantastic line cocktails in a can, for those times when you just don’t have the time, space, or gumption to mix your own damn drink. Between the Wicked Mule and the Blood Hound, they got your lazy drunken ways covered! Deliciously too, damn it!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME The Daiquiri
The classic daiquiri recipe is not that complicated. If you fuck it up, you’re not even competent enough to be drinking, much less drink-mixing. However, it never hurts to do the homework of squeezing your own limes and picking up a good rum for a change.*
2 oz light rum
1 oz fresh squeezed lime juice
1/2 oz simple syrup
Ice. Some say crushed.
First you need to chill your glass, because it’s hot in Cuba. Put some ice in it and set it aside, like any kindergarten-level bartender knows to do. Then put some ice in a cocktail shaker and throw in your ingredients. (Throw is a metaphor, here. Don’t throw any liquids unless you are secretly Avatar: The Last Booze-Bender and have supernatural control over cocktails. If this is the case, also please be training to battle the Lord of the Sober Nation.) Shake the mixture up good. Remove the ice from your glass and lovingly pour in the magic cocktail juice. Garnish with a lime wheel and enjoy. WE SAID ENJOY, YOU BASTARD!
NOTE: Some recipes call for you to use straight sugar instead of simple syrup. This is Next Level Shit™, and we don’t recommend you try it without a lot of practice first. The results can be uncomfortably granular and not nearly sweet enough.
We also tried a bastardized version of the New York Times’ Banana Daiquiri recipe. Bastardized in that Shaft forgot to buy orange juice so we just plum left it out. Still, it’s the best banana daiquiri we’ve ever had, and we used to frequent TGI Friday’s in our young, embarrassing years.
(By the way, the next time you hear Unhinged Chucklehead Donald Trump call the New York Times “failing,” point out to him that they’ve done a hell of a lot more to promote banana daiquiris in this country than he has. Then please kick him in the goolies for us, since you’ve obviously gotten close enough to talk to his bloated orange face.)
The Times’ recipe is:
2 ½ounces dark rum
2 ½ounces light rum
3ounces lime juice
2ounces orange juice (which we forgot and it turned out great anyway)
2large, very ripe, frozen bananas, sliced
1ounce simple syrup
2cups ice
Mix everything up in a blender. Pour it all in a glass. Throw fruit on top to make it look cute. Pour down chest. Pretend it’s spring break.
The Hemingway Daiquiri
The version Ernest made famous, also called “The Papa Doble,” because it needed twice the rum to satisfy a man of such massive manliness. Imbibe magazine’s Hemingway Daiquiri recipe is as good as you’ll find anywhere, so go check them out.
He’s also on Facebook if you really need to get a hold of him, but you can search for that. We’re not enabling any of you hotdog-stalkers.
STUFF YOU SHOULD BUY!
Once again, we brought up the Smuggler’s Cove book. If you don’t own it already, buy it through our Army of Drunks link and we’ll get to keep a few cents off the sale. Jeff Bezos is a god damn saint, isn’t he?
HOT BUTTERED RUM CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2017 with Rico Gagliano of The Dinner Party Download
and Andy Hermann, former music editor of the LA Weekly
“The Worst of 2017!”
Let’s face it, it’s been a shitty year. Mass shootings. Government lootings. Putin still pooting. Trump still doing crazed lying narcissist things that don’t rhyme with “ooting.” (Though we maybe could have stretched it to involve “#metoo-ing.”)
And if you live in L.A., you got to suffer sale of our longest-running independent newspaper to a bunch of douchebag lawyers from Orange County who fired the whole staff, then put out ads asking ,”Hey, who wants to work for free?”
What can make these holiday horror cookies go down easier? HOT BUTTERED RUM, of course! And we’ll tell you its damn not-that-storied history while we get loaded on it.
We also get the inside story of how the ugliness at the LA Weekly went down direct from Andy Hermann. Then we talk to former Dinner Party Download host Rico Gagliano about what it’s like to wrap-up a ten-year-old podcast without a single sexual harassment scandal.
Oh, and we all die on the side of a mountain. TRUE!
Usually we translate MixMa$ter Therm’s Beautiful Mind-style cocktail notes into something we all can understand, but in this case he’s spelled the whole process out for the ape-like laymen we are. Here are his notes, verbatim.
Hot Buttered Rum:
2 TBSP batter (below)
2 oz dark rum
4 oz boiling water
Put batter in bottom of mug or glass. Pour in half of the boiling water and stir to incorporate batter. Add rum and rest of water.
– Alt method – Put water and rum in glass, then top with batter. (we can try both during the show, if I don’t get to trying them both first and picking a winner)
HBR Batter – Classic:
1 stick (4 oz) butter*, room temperature
8oz brown sugar
1 1/2 TBSP Pumpkin Pie Spice (store-bought, or make your own)
Cream butter and sugar together**. Add and mix-in spices. Store in refrigerator.
HBR Batter – Therm special Edition:
As above, plus 1 tsp vanilla extract and 2 TBSP browned butter (cool before adding).
Notes:
*butter – It’s a key ingredient in your drink, and it’s a special occasion; go ahead and splurge on a decent one!
**Creaming butter and sugar – basically, put them in a mixer (butter first, add sugar a bit at a time) until it’s well combined and a bit fluffy. Look it up on the Internet if you’re unsure.
Have fun with the spices. This is your opportunity to create your own, signature mix. (Then sign the pile of loose spicy powder to make sure everyone knows it’s your signature)
Some recipes use spiced rum. I think this shows a lack of faith in your batter. If you don’t think the final result is flavorful enough, improve your batter.
Basic spice mix for this amount:
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp fresh-grated nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground allspice
1/4 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
First of all, if you’re curious about the state of the LA Weekly, read this lovely little article from the Columbia Journalism Review, “Just sell the paper and go home.”
Next, if you want to buy Rico Gagliano’s revolutionary new book BRUNCH IS HELL, do it here and the Army of Drunks will get a tiny, tiny kickback from amazon. And yes, he makes a compelling argument why this social ritual we call “brunch” really is a howling abomination.
But he was kind enough to make a BEST ALBUMS OF 2017 list for all his friends. We’re reprinting it here without his permission. Because that’s the kind of people we are.
THE WHISKEY SPECIAL with Alex MacKay The Whiskey Genius
Summer is over, and it’s time to go back to school. This is Whiskey 101, where our good friend and not-self-described “Whiskey Genius” Alex MacKay takes you on a tour of some of the major whiskies of the world.
It’s one of our longer shows, but by the time it’s done, you’ll have a better understanding of where the golden brown ambrosia* comes from, what’s the difference between scotch and bourbon, why you don’t want to drink Costco Canadian, and just which Batman is that whiskey you’re drinking.
Joining us also is comedy writer and friend of the show Aydrea Walden. She’s good people.
Also, we cut a very long segment about how whiskey is made, but if you’d like to hear that, please join our Patreon campaign, and we’ll give you access to our Back Room of bonus material!
* Please remind us never to use the term “brown ambrosia” ever again.
Since there’s no cocktail this week, we thought we’d provide a list of all the whiskeys Alex brought for us to sample. Note that most of these are available at your local BevMo, and you can even buy those tiny airplane bottles of some of them. So keeping up with the drunks doesn’t have to cost you an arm and a leg.
Here’s a helpful chart to help you follow along on our journey up Whiskey Mountain. Rather than using the usual descriptors of “taste” and “aroma,” we decided to describe the various boozes in terms of actors. This quickly devolved into describing them in terms of Batmans. (Yes, “Batmans” is the plural of “Batman.” Look it up.)
WHISKEY NAME
COUNTRY
WHICH ACTOR IS IT?
WHICH BATMAN IS IT?
Costco Canadian
Canada
Steven Segal
George Clooney
Nikka Coffey
Japan
Michelle Yeoh
Adam West
Redbreast 12 Year
Ireland
Kenneth Branagh
Michael Keaton
Johnny Walker Green Label
Scotland
David Tennant
Kevin Conroy
(The Animated Series)
Knob Creek Single Barrel
America
We forgot to name one,
but say Steve McQueen
Will Arnett
(Lego Batman)
Ardbeg 10 Year
Scotland
Christian Bale
Christian Bale
BONUS ROUND Alex suggested a few other whiskies if you’re feeling adventurous. Or even if you’re not.
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS Politics, Lime Juice, and Boy George’s Beard
with Brian Doherty
The Feelings Experiment Continues as Buck and Brian Doherty (senior editor at Reason Magazine) get into some drunken palaver on the state of politics in the internet age. Can we ever have an adult conversation again when debate has become a cage-match for internet trolls?
We also get a little deeper into Rose’s Lime Juice. Because you love that shit! And we ask some very deep questions about Boy George’s Beard.
Also: Name That Sex Act! Why? Because… you love that shit!
It’s “Ask a Drunk Libertarian,” as we get loaded with Brian Doherty, author and senior editor at Reason Magazine. Hear Brian explain that even libertarians don’t take Ayn Rand all that seriously. WARNING: This one gets into an actual political conversation. (We’re shocked, too.) If that bothers you, just fast forward to “Randy, Rice, or Rooney” at the end.
We also find out the history of the Gimlet cocktail, and how it was created by a conspiracy of British sailors and lime juice merchants. Damn limeys.
MixMa$ter Therm was out of town for this one, so until he engineers the “perfect” version, we’re presenting you with two classic recipes.
“Classic” Gimlet
5 parts gin
1 part simple syrup
1 part lime juice
Combine all the damn ingredients in a shaker. Shake it. Pour over ice. It’s that simple. You can also use Rose’s lime juice if you so choose. It’s already sweetened, but also has some bitter “peel” flavor inherent, so it balances out. There are some people who say stir the damn thing. As far as we can tell, it doesn’t make a big difference in the drink overall, but there’s something about the supercooled shaken version that we enjoy.
Raymond Chandler’s “Long Goodbye” Gimlet
2 parts gin
1 part lime juice
1 part simple syrup
This is exactly how the drink is described in Raymond Chandler’s “The Long Goodbye,” and apparently in the Savoy Cocktail Book as well. Not exactly the ginniest of Gimlets, but it’s a fun historical oddity. Shake it if you got it.
OUR DRUNKEN GUEST
Here’s a link to Brian’s page at Reason.com!
And pick up one of his books. He’s got one of the best book’s on the history of Burning Man, ever.
And you want Rose’s Lime Juice? We got the US and the UK versions!
THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW – REDUX With Jhonen Vasquez
(The Re-Run) Subscribe on iTunes!
In preparation for Season Three, we’re releasing one of our favorite shows: the 2015 interview with Jhonen Vasquez. (Creator of Invader ZIM, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and, you know, other stuff.) This was before the new INVADER ZIM special was announced (yay!), and before Donald Trump fucked up relations with Cuba (asshole!), but it’s still a great interview, and a durn fine cocktail. (Still NSFW, and definitely not safe for kids.)
ORIGINAL GODDAMN SHOW NOTES!
Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought. Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix. Seriously. So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States. In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.
Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series. We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum. (NSFW as always. And really not safe for kids.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME The El Presidente
We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente. The secret: NO GRENADINE!
MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:
2 parts white rum. (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
1/2 part orange curacao.
Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all. Drink while you oppress the common people.
Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth! It goes bad.
But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:
2 parts white rum.
2 parts dry vermouth.
1/2 part orange curacao.
Dash of grenadine.
Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would. Pour in glass. Drink. Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.
DRUNK PEOPLE WALK YOU THROUGH THE CALIFORNIA STATE BALLOT MEASURES!
Army of Drunks 2016 Election Special!
2016 Election Special Drunk Guide to California State Ballot Propositions!!
With Josh Kamensky & Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden SUBSCRIBE ON iTUNES here!
ELECTION SPECIAL! (If you live in California, anyway. Everyone else, DO NOT LISTEN! Seriously. Unless other people’s state measures really make you horny.)
Yes, we can be educational sometimes.
Confused by the California state ballot propositions? Hey, so are we! So we decided to invite comedy ‘n’ government guy Josh Kamensky — of Surprise Inside — to walk us through ’em after our last show. Joining us is guest host Aydrea Walden of The Oreo Experience, who was still waiting around for her ride. So come with us on a magical, drunken, totally-biased* journey through the wonderland we call STATE GOVERNMENT!
*Yes, this ballot guide is not exactly objective, but we respect your right to think we’re wrong.
And make sure you download-n-print your ARMY OF DRUNKS CALIFORNIA VOTER GUIDE so you can score at home! Now in two convenient formats!
THE CORPSE REVIVER SHOW With Mortician Amber Carvaly & Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden & Guest Bartender James Slay Subscribe on iTunes here!
Welcome to our Halloween show! And how better to celebrate the season of spooks, costume parties, and candy comas than by plunging headlong into death! Our guest is Amber Carvaly (Undertaking LA), a mortician with a mission to bring the funeral back into the hands of the bereaved and away from corporate casket-dealing bastards, and we get in deep conversation about death, dying, and whether you should be buried with your keno chips.
And our drink is the Corpse Reviver, versions number one and (the more common) number two, a class of drink as old as the 19th century, but brought into popularity by one man during prohibition. We try both the old-school brandy-based beverage, and the more brunch-friendly gin-and-lemon version. Which will revive a corpse faster? You be the judge!
And with us again is special guest host Aydrea Walden, creator of The Oreo Experience blog, and guest bartender James Slay… Because Spork and Therm are dead! (Alert Bela Lugosi.) (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Corpse Reviver no. 1
(The olde-timey one.)
2 parts Cognac
1 part Calvados or Apple Brandy
1 part Sweet Vermouth
Stir ingredients together with ice. Pour into a cocktail glass, or if you’re appropriately schmancy, a coupe glass. Administer to ease the walking dead hangover.
The Corpse Reviver no. 2 (The citrusy bunch-friendly one)
One part (or 3/4 oz) Gin
One part(or 3/4 oz) Cointreau or Curacao
One part (or 3/4 oz) Lillet Blanc
One part (or, wait for it… 3/4 oz) Lemon Juice
One dash Absinthe
Strain all the ingredients together into a shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Drink. And to quote Harry Craddock, inventor of the Corpse Reviver no. 2, “Four of these taken in quick succession will unrevive the corpse again.”
The Savoy Cocktail book by Henry Craddock is an indispensable tome for all lovers of classic cocktails. A direct reprint of the original 1930 volume, this book is home to the original recipe for the Corpse Revivers no. 1&2, as well as dozens of prohibition-era drinks. Drink like you’re historic, man!
Amber Carvaly’s partner in crime at Undertaking L.A. is Caitlin Doughty, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and one of the foremost advocates for a more natural approach to caring for the dead. Her book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes recounts her time working in a crematorium. Damn, it’s fascinating.
SUMMER TIKI SPECIAL 2016
Featuring the Mai Tai and Singapore Sling With Comedian Katie Massa Subscribe on iTunes here!
It’s August! What better time for lounging by the pool and getting drunk as a Hawaiian sunset? We’ve been away for a while, but before this long hot summer passes into misty memory, the Drunks have brought you an extra special, extra-extended parade of TIKI, damn it!
We plumb the Pacific depths of the only genre of cocktails spawned from a theme restaurant. Learn how Don the Beachcomber unwittingly founded the Tiki movement in pre-WWII California, and how competitor Trader Vic took it nation-wide from — believe it nor not — Oakland. Then learn the history of the MAI TAI, the flagship tiki cocktail, and the SINGAPORE SLING, an outside-the-Polynesian-triangle addition to the tiki pantheon.
Matt Shaw also tells us about his distillery tour of Scotland. Yes, someone let Matt Shaw loose in the land where they make scotch. Katie Massa tells us how People are Horrible™. Buck expounds on what it means to get “Tiki Drunk.” We solve the urgent riddle of Zsa Zsa Gabor: alive or dead? And we play “Name That Sex Act: Trump Edition.” (NSFW as always.)
BUT FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS! THIS GODDAMN BOOK!
Before we go too far, this is the flat-out amazing Tiki book we referenced during the show, Smuggler’s Cove by Martin Cate and Rebecca Cate. It goes deep into the kelp on the true origins of all the Polynesian cocktails you sort-of know and think you probably would love if you could only try one. It also contains the ORIGINAL MAI TAI recipe we tried. (We’d post it here, but we don’t want to deny Martin & Rebecca their hard-earned book royalties.) If you love Tiki as much as you love life itself, or even slightly less, go buy it right now!
And if you need your bad self some good Tiki mugs, we used this plucky little set.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Mai Tai!
1 oz (2 tablespoons) dark rum
1 oz (2 tablespoons) amber rum
2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
1/2 oz (1 tablespoon) Cointreau (or triple sec or Curaçao)
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
1 teaspoon orgeat syrup (or 1 drop pure almond extract)
1 teaspoon superfine granulated sugar
Dash of grenadine
Garnish: an orange slice, or Lime rind and mint sprig
Shake all of the ingredients with ice, pour into a highball glass with a straw. Or a tiki glass, or a Tiki mug if you want to go full-Tiki.
Note: Martin Cate suggests you add the juice of half a fresh lime after the pour, to keep it from over-liming the whole drink. YMMV. There’s also some debate over the proper garnish. Apparently the classic Mai Tai uses a mint sprig with the lime rind, while the more modern Tiki-slinger can go with an orange slice, or any of the usual Tiki umbrella/fruit combos.
DRINK MORE AT HOME!
The Singapore Sling!
1 1⁄2 ounces gin
1⁄2 ounce cherry heering
1⁄4 ounce Cointreau liqueur
1⁄4 ounce benedictine
4 ounces pineapple juice
1⁄2 ounce lime juice
1⁄3 ounce grenadine
1 dash bitters
Shake all ingredients in a shaker with shakable ice. Strain into a highball glass or Tiki mug. Garnish with whatever festive Tiki regalia you have at your disposal. (But anything involving pineapple never hurts.)
THE COBBLER SHOW With James Slay
Actual Goddamn Bartender
We should have done this a long time ago. This week the Army of Drunks sits down with an actual goddamn bartender to hear what life is like behind the counter. Warning: it can suck to be on the other side of you when you’re ordering a drink.
While we hear war stories from behind the bar, we investigate the Cobbler, the first American cocktail to take the world by storm in the 18th century, thanks two the combination of sherry, ice and — believe it or goddamn not — the invention of the straw. Listen as we get old-tymie loaded on both the original Sherry Cobbler, which liked you’d expect is made with sherry, and the D Cobbler, which upgrades to whiskey and ginger ale. (NSFW as always.)
During the show, James educates us on William Schmidt, one of the first cocktail book authors in America. In fact, here he is! Look into his steely, whiskey-burned gaze as you think about what booze awaits you.
William Stinkin’ Schmidt!
Remember, William is an innocent, but his mustache stands in judgement of you and all you’ve done… or failed to do… in this life.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Narragansett Cobbler
Whole Peel of Orange
Juice of one Orange
One “jigger” whiskey (we used Canadian whiskey)
One Bottle of Ginger Ale (though you won’t need the whole thing)
Cracked Ice
Berries to Garnish this Sucker
A Paper Straw (if you’re going to be traditional about it)
If you’re going to be a badass like MixMa$ter Therm, start by taking off the entire peel of one orange in one piece. Good luck with that. Put the peel artfully spiraled in a collins glass. Add the juice of the orange, a jigger of whiskey, fill the rest with ice, and top off with ginger ale. Then garnish it with berries, because it makes you look all-Martha-Stewart ‘n’ shit. (And really, it makes the drink look gorgeous.) Drink through a straw, a paper one if you’re going to be historically accurate.
AND AS LONG AS YOU’RE SIPPING HISTORY, ALSO TRY…
The Sherry Cobbler
4 oz. Dry Sherry (everyone says go for amantillado)
1/2 tsp simple syrup or 1 tbs sugar
2 or 3 Orange Slices
Cracked Ice
Berries and/or Mint to Garnish it to Glory
A Goddamn Paper Straw
Muddle the orange slices and the sugar/syrup in a mixing glass. Add the sherry and ice, then shake like a bucking mule. Strain into a collins glass over more cracked ice. Garnish that sucker with berries and a paper straw. Pretend you’re in The Music Man.
BUY WILLIAM SCHMIDT’S BOOK!
AND CHECK OUT THE CAPGUN HOLDUPS!
SOME GODDAMN PHOTOS FROM THE RECORDING SESSION – ORANGE SLAUGHTER & SUPER MARIO!
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly
Yes, unless you’ve been buried under a man who fell to earth for the past month, you know that David Bowie recently passed on to the great unknown. In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself. (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)
WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.
Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening. (Or go ahead and worry. See if we care.) But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.
Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and pour into a martini glass. Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire. Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself. Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.
The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)
OUR HONORED GUEST Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly. Read more about him here.
Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.
AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT… Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.
Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.
THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! With Jon Alloway, musical guest Surprise Inside, and the Army of Drunks’ Tiny Audience!
Ever been Wassailing? Well don’t. It’s based on a horrible drink made of eggs, lager, wine, and Dickensian despair. But it’s Christmas, and we get drunk on it so you don’t have to!
Welcome to the Army of Drunks Christmas Special! Forget the bullshit “War on Christmas,” we’re going after Santa, more specifically, the SantaCon Rampage, a once-proud tradition of culture jamming now filthy with hipsters and douchebags! Join us as we sit down with Jon Alloway, a veteran of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society as he tells us about the Krampus Run, a new tradition that celebrates St. Nicholas’ evil goat-headed partner in crime.
Also, all-improv band Surprise Inside regales us with christmas songs whipped-up-right-there-on-the-spot. We welcome our first Tiny Audience. And we learn what’s the only thing that can stop a bad Santa with a gun.
Warning: Contains Star Wars spoilers. Suck it, Bantha.
Just don’t. We tried a big steaming bowl of Wassail on the show, and we don’t recommend the experience for anything. It’s like drinking a glass of German cinnamon omelette. However… If you insist on drinking where angels fear to tread, MixMa$ter Therm recommends Alton Brown’s recipe. We are linking to it here. The rest is on your head.
Holiday time is upon us, and as the Drunks gear up for Season Two, we regift a show from Season One, now with added fruitcakery! MixMa$ter Therm tells you how to make your own Holiday Five-Actually-Seven-Spice Liqueur to give as a gift to the ones you claim to love!
Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today. We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.
MIXMA$TER THERM’S HOLIDAY FIVE-ACTUALLY-SEVEN-SPICE LIQUEUR! Infusing liqueur is a (sometimes) cheap and (always) easy way to create a gift that makes you look a like an artisan badass. MixMa$ter Therm set out to concoct a booze based on the original “Chinese Five Spice” spice mix, and two extra spices later had a perfect Christmas liquor for getting loaded under the tree. You will need:
1 oz. cinnamon stick(s)
1 oz. whole cloves
1 oz. star anis
1 oz. fennel seeds
1 oz. black pepper corns
1 oz. whole nutmeg
1 oz. whole allspice
1.75 liter bottle of vodka
Approximately 2 cups simple syrup (1 part sugar to 1 part water)
REGARDING THE SPICES – Yes, we suggest buying them whole, not ground. It’s not the cheapest way to go, but you’ll have enough left over to make gallons of the stuff if you want.
Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile. Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove. (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan. NO STINKIN’ OIL!)
Coax all of those spices into a big-ass bottle of vodka and let it sit for about three days. Be sure to turn the bottle over a few times once or twice a day to keep them flavors mixin’! When the three days are up, strain out all of the spice through a fine strainer or a loose coffee filter or the powers of your mind or something. (And yeah, you’ll need a big bowl to dump all of this Christmas-tasting liquor into.)
Add simple syrup to taste, but we found a 1-to-4 syrup-to-vodka ratio worked quite well. This would be about 2 cups of simple syrup for 1.75 liters of infused vodka. Sip along the way to make sure you’ve done it right, and to make the time pass faster.
Pour your finished liqueur into smaller bottles, slap home-made labels on them that read “Annie’s Secret Christmas Cheer Elf Potion” or something equally f***ing adorable, and give them out to anyone you want to impress. Sit back and reap the holiday benefits, or just get drunk on pure Christmas magic!
AND NOW FOR THE SHOW NOTES…
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Whiskey Old-Fashioned
2 oz. bourbon or rye. (Or a mix. We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
1 sugar cube. (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
Angostura bitters
Orange slice and/or peel
One non-marchino cherry (optional)
Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters. (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.) Muddle it. Pour in the booze. Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry. DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT! Serve like you mean it.
MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
THE WHITE RUSSIAN SHOW With Aydrea Walden
(Author of The Oreo Experience)
The White Russian? Is it more than just a Black Russian with cream? Actually, no. But just like “cream” can mean the difference between an NC-17 and X rating, the mighty dairy product does something special that takes this cocktail to a sweeter and sweatier place.
Join us as we explore the details of the White Russian, and since we really covered the Black Russian in another show, also discuss the details of the 1985 film “White Nights,” with Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov.
But our real star is Aydrea Walden, author of “The Oreo Experience” blog, and creator of the stage show of the same name. Aydrea regales us with tales of growing up as a self-described “Oreo,” or “total whitey trapped in a black chick’s body,” why it was impossible to convince her white peers in a Texas high school that no, she did not like “Boys II Men,” and how she still can make an East Coast W.A.S.P. uncomfortable.
We also discover a how you, too, can go to an actual bathroom in the middle of a lake, play “Which is Whiter?” and find out what’s in Shaw’s Craw.
The biggest point of contention in all White Russian recipes is the balance of ingredients. After some experimentation, MixMa$ter Therm determined the 5-3-1 of vodka to Kahlua to cream seems to be the optimal combination. Fill a glass with ice, add the vodka and the Kahlua, stir affectionately, then add the cream on the top. Drink while imagining you’re as cool as anything that happened in The Big Lebowski.
THE MOJITO SHOW With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)
What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015? Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids! Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.
We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida. Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!
And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)
First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass. (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon. If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.) Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution. Repeat.
OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield Check Your Bucket – Eddie Bo Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna
All of these songs can be found on Amazon at The Army’s Drunk Music Store!
(So hey, music lawyers, please don’t give us a take-down order.)
THE SAZERAC SHOW With Ian McEwan
(“The Drunken Scientist”)
“Ask a Drunken Scientist!” That’s what we wanted to do. Don’t ask us why, because we have no reasonable explanation, but fortunately for us, we found Ian McEwan, and after a few cocktails he was willing to answer all of our questions from quantum theory to climate-change deniers to whether the U.S.S. Enterprise could beat up an Imperial Star Destroyer.
We also get into the history of the Sazerac cocktail, a sweet-and-herbal rye concoction invented in 1800s New Orleans ostensibly as a way for a local pharmacist to sell his bitters. (Man, have we really gotten that cynical?) If you ever wondered how Peycahud’s bitters got their start, listen up here.
About 1/2 oz Absinthe — or Herbsaint — to rinse the glass.
Lemon peel for garnish.
Ice
Tradition has it the Sazerac is created in two old-fashioned glasses. Chill one glass by filling it with ice. In the other, mash the sugar cube up with a few dashes of bitters (or just use simple syrup if mashing doesn’t agree with you.) Add the rye stir. In the other glass, get rid of the ice and give it a rinse of absinthe. Herbsaint will work if you can’t find absinthe, though let’s face it, if you can get your hands on Herbsaint, you can probably find absinthe with no trouble. Pour the rye mixture into the glass and add ice. Garnish with a lemon peel. Serve. Drink. Repeat.
By the way, when choosing a rye, you do not need to use the “official” Sazerac brand rye. Any smooth rye will do, or even an angry rye if you’re in the mood.
Original Brandy Sazerac Variant
The Sazerac was originally made with brandy, so it’s can be a fun experiment to mix one up using the classic wine spirit instead of rye. If you do, halve the amount of sugar or simple syrup you use, because brandy is sweet enough as it is. Serve with a sense of historical smugness.
Short: 1990s – (Redeeming) The Appletini with the Army of Drunks!
Ah, the 1990s! A time of transition between the sugary concoctions of the 80s and the more mature cocktails of times to come. Where candy-flavored “bullshitinis” ruled the high-end drink menus of bars all over America. We dive face-first into the Jolly Rancher-green Appletini and survive. How? Through the ingenuity of MixMa$ter Therm and his genuinely-worthy Apple Martini recipe. Along the way, we get to know the drink nobody wants to take credit for, except maybe some guy named Adam Carston. Listen and be amazed! (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Classic Bullshit Appletini Recipe That Will Make You Popular With College Kids
2 parts vodka
1 part sour apple pucker
3 parts shame (If genuine shame is available, you should not be serving this drink.)
Apple slice for garnish
Put all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake. Pour toxic green mixture in glass. Garnish with apple slice. Serve to under-age sorority girl. Drink. Realize what you’ve done. Cry bitter tears. Scrape sugar from lips.
The MixMa$ter Therm Variation That’s Genuinely Good
4 parts vodka
1 part calvados
1 part unfiltered apple juice
1/2 part cointreau
Apple slice for garnish
Put all ingredients in a shaker with ice. (Except the apple slice. It’s a garnish, and you’re smarter than that, friend.) Shake like you mean it. Pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with the apple. Sip confidently knowing you’ve graduated to the next level, and those green Appletini Goblins can never hurt you again.
THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW With Jhonen Vasquez
(Extended Cut)
Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought. Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix. Seriously. So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States. In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.
Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series. We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum. (NSFW as always. And really not safe for kids.)
We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente. The secret: NO GRENADINE!
MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:
2 parts white rum. (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
1/2 part orange curacao.
Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all. Drink while you oppress the common people.
Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth! It goes bad.
But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:
2 parts white rum.
2 parts dry vermouth.
1/2 part orange curacao.
Dash of grenadine.
Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would. Pour in glass. Drink. Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.
FATHER’S DAY SPECIAL
The Whisky and Pancakes Challenge with Rev. Roemer and Mike & Kevin from Topline Wine
This one’s unusual. In honor of Father’s Day, we magically weave together two remote segments. In one, we offer up a buyer’s guide for the children of booze-loving fathers courtesy of the good folks at Topline Win in Glendale, CA. In the other, we lock ourselves in DuPar’s bar and pancake house and see which gets to us first: the booze or the tall stack. Don’t ask why.
Either way, it’s a magical journey I’m sure you and your father will enjoy, though probably not together, because that would be too much to ask. (NSFW as always.)
Short: 1980s – The Sex on the Beach with the Army of Drunks
Why are we doing this? Really, why are we doing this? The 80s. Was it the beginning of institutionalized Spring Break drinking, or did it just seem that way because everyone was young and drunk? We take no steps toward finding out, but we do drive head-first into the Sex on the Beach cocktail. And if it makes you feel any better, we don’t enjoy it.
And if you can create one cocktail after an embarrassing Spring Break indiscretion, can you create more? Find out as we reverse-engineer awkward sex acts into cocktail recipes. And remember, Alcohol Jesus is watching over us all.
THE GIN AND TONIC SHOW With the Coachella Hippos: Vanessa Bonet and Derek Doublin
Summer is coming, and how better to beat back the heat and the malaria-infected mosquitos than with the classic Gin and Tonic? We dive into the history of the cocktail that kept the British Empire alive and well and pointing guns at East Indians since the 1800s! And we dive into the variants of botanical gin, tonic, and weird vegetation to stick in the glass. We also talk with the creators of the strangest, most talked-about phenomenon at Coachella after Madonna’s bad-touch on Drake: The Hippo Corporate Headquarters. Co-creators Derek Doublin and our own Vanessa “Spork” Bonet take you behind the scenes of the three-story office block populated by out-of-control Hippo businessmen. Also, we play “Hippo or Axl Rose!” Can you guess which one helicopters its feces?
Tonic Water – How much? More than the gin. (See below.)
Ice
Garnish (Lime, Cucumber, Basil leaf, etc.)
We won’t lie. There seems to be no agreement on the exact ration of gin to tonic in a classic gin and tonic cocktail. Some suggest 2 oz. gin to 5 oz. tonic water. Others say 3 oz. gin to 4 oz. tonic water. Some say just start with a highball glass, throw in some ice, pour in as much gin as you can handle, then fill the rest with tonic water and get on with the drinking. MixMa$ter Therm settled on a 2:1 tonic:gin ratio, but in this rare case, his numbers aren’t strictly definitive. We suggest playing around until you find what makes you happy, then enforcing that recipe on your friends. If they don’t like it, they can make their own damn drinks.
However, like any highball cocktail, the directions are simple. Start with the ice, add the booze, pour in the mixer and garnsih with the garnishable. Stir if you feel like doing it right.
GIN AND TONIC VARIANTS!
The biggest determining factor in the flavor of a gin and tonic are the ingredients. Sure, the well gin and hose-delivered tonic water at your local bar is fine during happy hour, but if you want to really get into the drink, you should spend a little more time picking out your liquids. Dry gins vs. botanical gins really affect the flavor, and these days you’re not stuck with just your cruddy supermarket tonic water.
You also don’t need to stick to the traditional lime garnish. “Gin and Tonic” bars are popular in Europe, and they like to mix things up with cucumbers, mint leaves, even grapes. (Why grapes? We don’t know. Maybe Europe knows something we don’t.)
Regardless, here are some variants we tried on the show:
Bombay Dry gin (a dry gin, obviously), Fever Tree tonic water (a more flavorful tonic), lime wedge.
Hendricks gin (a botanical gin), Q tonic water (a dry tonic water), cucumber spear.
Junipero gin (a botanical gin), Fever Tree bitter lemon, basil leaf. (Really.)
By the way, here’s a Gin and Tonic list from a bar in Iceland.
And amazon has this pretty nice Fever Tree sampler set if you’re interested in sticking your face in what Fever Tree has to offer.
HIPPO CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS
If you missed Hippo Corporate HQ out at Coachella, here’s a whole pile of press!
Short: 1970s – The Harvey Wallbanger with the full Army of Drunks
Return with us to the 1970s — an era of bell-bottoms, key parties, and generally terribly cocktails — to discover the Harvey Wallbanger, the most refreshing summer drink with the most fictionalized history in all of bartending. The Army of Drunks asks the burning question: How can a cocktail made of so many lies take so damn delicious?
We also delve into the cocktail’s inherent dichotomy: Is Wallbanger is a girlie drink or a manly drink? And play along at home as Eric challenges everyone to “Real Cocktail or Real Canadian?” (Note: We clearly lost track of the score. Sorry about that. We were drunk.)
1/2 oz (1 part) Galliano (a.k.a. Liquore Galliano L’Autentico, if you want to be that way.)
Stir the vodka, orange juice and ice in a highball glass. Float the Galliano on the top. Garnish with an orange slice and serve outside on the lawn.
(Optional: Place all car keys in a bowl. Blindly draw a set of keys from said bowl. Match the keys with the car-owner. Have awkward “swinging” sex with that person.)
FOR HISTORICAL REFERENCE: AN ORIGINAL “HARVEY WALLBANGER” SALES POSTER
(See what me mean about “Meth-Head Ziggy?”)
AND GRAB YOUR STRANGELY-UNRELATED WALLBANGER MERCH NOW!
Short: 1960s – The Rusty Nail with Katie Massa and Björk*
*The Icelandic bark liqueur Björk, not the Icelandic elfin singer Björk.
“Drink-a-Decade” enters the 60s with the Rusty Nail, a drink popularized by the Rat Pack and the best use of Drambuie since getting your grandmother to pass out at Christmas. We explore the history of a cocktail with its roots in British Industry, but which never caught on until — surprise, surprise — a big-time liquor company got behind it.
Is it too sweet or just sweet enough? Fortunately MixMa$ter Therm ran extensive experiments to find the optimal Rusty Nail scotch-to-Drambuie ratio, and we pass that hard-won information on to you.
We also sample Björk, the Icelandic bark-based liqueur that has nothing to do with the singer, honestly, but comes with a stick in every bottle, and play “Name That Sex Act” with Rusty Nails. (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Rusty Nail – MixMa$ter Therm Ratio
5 parts scotch
2 parts Drambuie liqueur
There seems to be no clear consensus on the ratio of scotch to Drambuie in a Rusty Nail, with some recipes calling for as high as 1-to-1. (And damn, is that disgustingly sweet.) Our experience is that 5 parts scotch to 2 parts Drambuie yields a cocktail that’s got enough of the sweet “delicious” factor without going too far over the line. However, if that’s still too sweet for you, a 4-to-1 mix might suit you better.
And as will all cocktails of the period, just mix everything in a glass with ice. It’s not that complicated.
Short: 1950s – The Black Russian with Katie Massa and The Municipal Bloodbank Players*
“Drink-a-Decade” enters the cold war with a cocktail created for the amabssador of Luxembourg. (Seriously.)
It’s the Black Russian, a drink so sweet and delicious you’ll forget it was born under the shadow of two great super-powers who hoped to destroy each other. Learn about the White Russian and other far-less-drinkable variations that you really don’t want to try. We also delve into the burning question of “Salve or ointment?” and also reveal where the hell Spork has been hiding all this time. (Spoiler: It’s all about the Coachella Hippos.) And we play “Black Russian, Bond Villain or Porn Star!”
*The Municipal Bloodbank Players do not actually appear in this show.
Mix everything in a glass with ice and stir gently. Really, it’s that simple. And to make a White Russian, just add 3 parts half-and-half. (Or commercial “Mocha Mix” if you want to go the full Lebowski.)
Short: 1940s – The Hurricane with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin
“Drink-a-Decade” pulls into your harbor with the cocktail that was given away free to sailors!
It’s the Hurricane! Drink yourself back to WWII-era New Orleans, when scotch was rare, and rum was flowing like seamen on shore-leave. Discover the fruity-as-fuck concoction that made drinking in the streets famous. We also discuss the New Jersey marschino cherrijuana bust. And Katie Massa vomits into Jason Berlin’s mouth like a momma bird* (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Hurricane Cocktail – The Army of Drunks version
Let’s start by saying there doesn’t seem to be any agreement on how this cocktail is made. Some recipes use passion fruit juice, others insist on passion fruit syrup (good luck finding that at your local Walmart). We started with the following recipe, but found that it was too damn sweet. MixMa$ter Therm modified it to exclude the simple syrup, and that’s what we settled on before we passed out. It’s a good-enough system for determining success.
2oz light rum
2oz dark tum
2oz passion fruit juice
1 oz orange juice
Juice of half a lime
1 tsp simple syrup (though we like it better without it.)
1 tsp grenadine
Orange slice and cherry for garnish
Ice
As usual, pour every last liquid thing in a cocktail shaker with ice and shake it like you mean it. Pour into a hurricane glass over ice. You do have a hurricane glass, don’t you?
NEED A HURRICANE GLASS?
MIXMA$TER THERM DRESSES FOR AUDIO!
Semi-authentic 40’s garb!
Short: 1930s – The Brown Derby with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin
“Drink-a-Decade” rolls on like a runaway freight train that only smashes a stalled-out schoolbus once every two weeks!
Drink your way back to the Golden Age of Hollywood with the Brown Derby, a delightful blend of whiskey, grapefruit and honey that was possibly invented by Douglas Fairbanks, but definitely made famous in a giant hat. Also, Jason Berlin spills the beans on his Evil Grandma Betty, and Katie Massa punches-out a raccoon!* (NSFW as always.)
1 oz Fresh grapefruit juice (or from a jar, if you must, but don’t used that sweetened stuff)
1/2 oz Honey syrup (like simple syrup, but with honey. 1 part honey, 1 part water, and hey, you can even make it on the fly if you’re that kind of lazy*)
Put all ingredients in a cocktail shaker. Shake. Pour into glass, martini-shaped or otherwise. Garnish with citrus peel of choice (except lime). Drink. Pretend you’re Douglas Fairbanks or Carole Lombard. Drink more. Become convinced you’re Douglas Fairbanks or Carole Lombard.
*But don’t be that kind of lazy. It’s embarrassing.
DRUNK BOOK ALERT!
Once again, we referenced the Savoy Cocktail book in our show. If you don’t own it, you should buy it now. That’s an order.
And MixMa$ter Therm Goes All-30’s and Gets Dressed-Up for Radio! Which is more dedication than you ever showed.
Finally, a Depressing Photo of Brown Derby Plaza
And a link to the Yelp review of their apparently-shitty valet parking.
Short: 1920s – The Bee’s Knees
with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin
It’s “Drink-a-Decade,” which is as catchy as we can pull off when we’ve had a few. The Army of Drunks is profiling one cocktail to represent the spirit of each decade, and we’re starting with Prohibition. Enjoy the 1920’s-era Bee’s Knees, the cocktail so delightfully sweet it can mask even the most formaldehyde-laden bathtub gin. (But we suggest something botanical.) Buck and Vanessa are on break, so welcome Katie Massa and Jason Berlin, who can tell you all about evil grandmas and getting arrested while wearing Daisy Dukes. (NSFW as always.)
2 oz Gin (Dry gin is more historically accurate, but botanical gin works like magic.)
3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
3/4 oz honey simple syrup (one part honey, one part water)
Lemon twist to garnish
First, choose your gin. Yes, a dry gin is more historically accurate, but a more modern botanical gin mixes really well with the honey. (And face it, if you really wanted to be historically accurate you’d use bathtub gin mixed with formaldehyde.) Then make some honey simple syrup the same way you make regular simple syrup, but with honey. (We know that’s complicated, but breathe through it.) Then squeeze a lemon, because anyone using store-bought lemon juice is a bounder and a cad. Mix all the liquid ingredients in a shaker. Shake like the cops are busting down the door. Pour into your glass of choice (a martini glass works nicely), add the lemon twist and enjoy.
What’s the difference between a Blue Hawaii and a Blue Hawaiian? Not much! But the difference could save your life!!* Listen as the Army dives face-first into the drink that arguably started Tiki culture in America. Also, we once again thank the good people of Florida for Booze News! No guest in this archive show, just the Army of Drunks getting loaded for the good of our country.
*This difference will probably not save your life.
1 oz. Sweet & Sour Mix (Making your own is better, and not that hard.)
A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and one of those tiny umbrellas. (If you want to do it right.)
Combine all the liquid ingredients (not the fruit and the umbrella, asshat) in a cocktail shaker, or blend in a blender (or anything else that blends) with ice. Serve in an appropriately Tiki-like glass. Stab the fruit with the umbrella and garnish. Drink. Think of simpler times.
And the Blue Hawaiian Cocktail
3/4 oz. Light Rum
3/4 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
3 oz. Pineapple Juice
1 oz. Cream of Coconut
A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and one of those tiny umbrellas. (Seriously, do we have to explain this?)
Spend a long time in the grocery store looking for cream of coconut, until you remember it’s not coconut milk. Combine all the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker, or blend in a blender with ice. Pour in a Tiki glass. Add the garnish. Remark on how much more dessert-like it is than the other drink.
And the Army of Drunks original Blue Hawaiish™ Cocktail
3/4 oz. Light Rum
3/4 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
3 oz. Pineapple Juice
1/2 oz. Cream of Coconut
1/2 oz. Sweet & Sour Mix
A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and… blah blah blah…
Combine all the ingredients in a thingie. Pour into mouth-hole. Strum ukulele.
THE COSMOPOLITAN SHOW
With Jackie Monahan
and Special Guest-Spork Katie Massa
In honor of both Valentine’s Day and Lincoln’s Birthday, we investigate the Cosmopolitan cocktail, the drink made famous as the biggest “girlie” drink of the last decade. But is it more “gay” than “girlie?” And does that even matter to an evolved drunk such as yourself? We also sit down with comedienne Jackie Monahan, who tells us what it’s like to be a “lesbian comedian” who starts dating a guy. Plus, guest Spork Katie Massa, pantsless booze news, and Shaw has the conch!* (Very NSFW, very LGBT-friendly!)
1 1/2 ozvodka (or vodka citron, or your own citrus- infused vodka if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 ozRose’s® lime juice (or fresh-squeezed lime juice if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 ozcranberry juice (or unfiltered cranberry juice plus simple syrup if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 oz triple sec (or Contreau if you’re MixMa$ter Therm, or you weren’t raised behind a free clinic)
Put all ingredients in a shaker. Shake like you mean it. Pour into a martini glass. Garnish with lemon slice or orange slice. Pretend “Sex in the City” is still on the air.
Does gin make a man mean? Find out as we join public radio host Rico Gagliano of The Dinner Party Download and discover the Aviation Cocktail, a drink so smooth, yet so incendiary. Also, we discuss the worst interviewee in rock and roll, Spork’s Magic 8-Ball trip, and why cake pops can fuck off. Also, Eric says some embarrassing things about the Serial podcast. (Sorry, Sarah Koenig. Nothing but respect.) (NSFW as always.)
Put all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake like you mean it. Pour into a martini glass and garnish with a Luxardo cherry. (Points off for using the maraschino.) Adjust the lemon juice to taste.
Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today. We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.
2 oz. bourbon or rye. (Or a mix. We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
1 sugar cube. (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
Angostura bitters
Orange slice and/or peel
One non-marchino cherry (optional)
Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters. (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.) Muddle it. Pour in the booze. Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry. DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT! Serve like you mean it.
MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
Screw that fragile mama’s-boy Daniel Craig!* The drunks get loaded the original James Bond martini — the Vesper — made up by novelist Ian Fleming himself, and promise not to make a single lame-ass “shaken” or “stirred” joke. Then we talk with late-night comedy writer and comedienne Cece Pleasants about what it’s like to get cancelled, why some female comics turn gay, and the power of Arsenio’s finger. (NSFW, as always.)
*Daniel Craig could easily kick our collective ass, and we have nothing but respect for him and his body of work. He is also a great James Bond.
Measure all of the ingredients into a cocktail shaker with some ice and shake. Do not stir. (Anyone who insists that the only way to properly make a martini is by stirring it is an asshole and should be ignored.) Rinse a martini glass — or champagne goblet, as the novel specifies — with Lillet before pouring the drink and garnishing with lemon peel. Then imbibe, shoot nefarious henchman, dispense obvious witticism, bed impossible female.
IAN FLEMING’S EXACT DESCRIPTION
(from the novel Casino Royale)
“A dry martini,” [Bond] said. “One. In a deep champagne goblet.”
“Oui, monsieur.”
“Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?”
“Certainly, monsieur.” The barman seemed pleased with the idea.
“Gosh, that’s certainly a drink,” said Leiter.
Bond laughed. “When I’m…er…concentrating,” he explained, “I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made. I hate small portions of anything, particularly when they taste bad. This drink’s my own invention. I’m going to patent it when I can think of a good name.”
—Ian Fleming, Casino Royale, Chapter 7, “Rouge et Noir’
THE HOT TODDY CHRISTMAS EVE SPECIAL
with Everybody Get In Here
Don’t spend Christmas Eve drinking sad and alone! Spend it drinking sad and alone with the Army of Drunks! Join musical guest improv comedy band Everybody Get In Here as we learn the history of the Hot Toddy, the drink King George the First called “laxative.” We also learn about Spork’s trip to a Russian Christmas Gun Party, devise cocktails based on 2014’s biggest assholes, and find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw on our slightly-longer Christmas Eve special.
EVERYBODY GET IN HERE ON FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/EverybodyGetInHere
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Army of Drunks Hot Toddy
1 1/2 oz bourbon
1 tablespoon honey
lemon
1/4 cup boiling-hot water
Cinnamon stick
Clove studs
Pour bourbon and honey into a mug. Slice up lemon, because it’s useless to you whole. Add a slice of lemon to your water and boil it in whatever way makes you feel safe. Take another slice and stud it with cloves for no other reason than it looks cool. Pour boiling water into mug with honey-booze mixture. Add cinnamon stick and clove-studded lemon slice. Drink until you feel good about Christmas.
Learn about the history of Christmas’ biggest egg-and-dairy-based alcoholic tradition, and why some folks like to leave their nog out before they get their nog on. Comedian Derek Jones tells us about Los Angeles’ biggest Ugly Sweater Party, and how a Moose takes a mistress. Also, we play “Name That Sex Act” holiday edition, and find out What’s in Shaw’s Craw!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
THE ARMY OF DRUNKS EGGNOG TROUGH
(A recipe bastardized from Alton Brown and Martha Stewart.) NOTE: This recipe can be cut in half, or a third, if you just don’t have enough friends to consume it all, and if you’re a fan of our podcast, you probably don’t.
12 egg yolks
1 cup, plus 3 tablespoons sugar
1 & 1/2 quarts whole milk
3 cups heavy cream
1 tablespoon freshly grated nutmeg
12 egg whites (to save for servin’ time)
1 cup bourbon
1/2 cup dark rum
1/2 cup brandy or congnac
DIRECTIONS
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until it is completely dissolved. Add the milk, cream, booze and nutmeg and stir to combine. Then let age for six months if you have time, maybe overnight if you don’t.
When it comes time to serve the glorious nog, place the egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Whisk the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve. (Though you should have chilled it *way* before now. If you aged your eggnog by leaving it by the fireplace, start over.)
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S EGGNOG RECIPE “One quart cream, one quart milk, one dozen tablespoons sugar, one pint brandy, 1/2 pint rye whiskey, 1/2 pint Jamaica rum, 1/4 pint sherry—mix liquor first, then separate yolks and whites of eggs, add sugar to beaten yolks, mix well. Add milk and cream, slowly beating. Beat whites of eggs until stiff and fold slowly into mixture. Let set in cool place for several days. Taste frequently.” Historians believe he used a dozen eggs. Why? Because freedom.
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018
THE WHISKEY SPECIAL
THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile. Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove. (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan. NO STINKIN’ OIL!)
THE SAZERAC SHOW
THE GIN AND TONIC SHOW
Short: 1930s – The Brown Derby
