THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW with The Performer Known as T.J. Former D!sney Costumed Character
“Who’s easier to kick in the nuts: Tigger or Captain Hook?”
Ever go to a big-time theme park and wonder just who the poor suffering bastard is inside the Tigger costume? Well, now you can find out!
Meet T.J., a man who spent years as a character performer at D!sney World, and doesn’t mind talking about it. (But we’re worried the Mouse might come after us, so we’re spelling it “D!sney,” just to fool the Googlers. That Mouse plays hardball, man.)
Meanwhile, we get drunk on the Suffering Bastard cocktail, the hangover cure made so famous during WWII, that General Rommel himself wanted to invade Cairo to get one. *
1 oz Bourbon (or Brandy, depending on how old-school you’re feeling)
1 tsp Fresh Lime Juice (or sweetened, depending on how sweet you’re feeling)
2 dashes Angostura Bitters
Ginger Ale (or ginger beer, depending on how ginger you’re feeling)
Mint Leaves to garnish (or a cherry, or a lemon slice, depending on how garnished you’re feeling)
Combine the booze, the lime juice and the bitters in a cocktail shaker, and shake well with ice. (Hey, put the ice in first, that’s how they usually do it.) Strain into an ice-fulled highball or collins glass, and then top it off with ginger ale. Mint leaves are the traditional garnish, but we like a cherry for the more tropical feel. Look, garnish is a personal thing, like hats.
Bastard-creator Joe Scialom also went on to create two more drinks, the Dying Bastard and the Dead Bastard. Each just contained greater combinations of alcohol. We can’t vouch for them, but for historical and academic purposes, we present the recipes here as we found them.* As with the Suffering, use a cocktail shaker, etc. etc.
The Dying Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
2 dashes Angustora bitters
The Dead Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce rum (light)
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
1 dash Angustora bitters
As for why the Dead Bastard takes it easy on the bitters, we have no idea.
THE WHISKEY SPECIAL with Alex MacKay The Whiskey Genius
Summer is over, and it’s time to go back to school. This is Whiskey 101, where our good friend and not-self-described “Whiskey Genius” Alex MacKay takes you on a tour of some of the major whiskies of the world.
It’s one of our longer shows, but by the time it’s done, you’ll have a better understanding of where the golden brown ambrosia* comes from, what’s the difference between scotch and bourbon, why you don’t want to drink Costco Canadian, and just which Batman is that whiskey you’re drinking.
Joining us also is comedy writer and friend of the show Aydrea Walden. She’s good people.
Also, we cut a very long segment about how whiskey is made, but if you’d like to hear that, please join our Patreon campaign, and we’ll give you access to our Back Room of bonus material!
* Please remind us never to use the term “brown ambrosia” ever again.
Since there’s no cocktail this week, we thought we’d provide a list of all the whiskeys Alex brought for us to sample. Note that most of these are available at your local BevMo, and you can even buy those tiny airplane bottles of some of them. So keeping up with the drunks doesn’t have to cost you an arm and a leg.
Here’s a helpful chart to help you follow along on our journey up Whiskey Mountain. Rather than using the usual descriptors of “taste” and “aroma,” we decided to describe the various boozes in terms of actors. This quickly devolved into describing them in terms of Batmans. (Yes, “Batmans” is the plural of “Batman.” Look it up.)
WHICH ACTOR IS IT?
WHICH BATMAN IS IT?
Redbreast 12 Year
Johnny Walker Green Label
(The Animated Series)
Knob Creek Single Barrel
We forgot to name one,
but say Steve McQueen
Ardbeg 10 Year
BONUS ROUND Alex suggested a few other whiskies if you’re feeling adventurous. Or even if you’re not.
THE MOJITO SHOW With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)
What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015? Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids! Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.
We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida. Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!
And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)
First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass. (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon. If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.) Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution. Repeat.
OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield Check Your Bucket – Eddie Bo Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly
It’s August, and since everyone in Southern California fucks off to pastures new, we’re re-running one of our favorite shows.
In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself. (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)
WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.
Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening. (Or go ahead and worry. See if we care.) But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.
Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and pour into a martini glass. Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire. Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself. Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.
OUR HONORED GUEST Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly. Read more about him here.
Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.
AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT… Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.
Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.
THE PINK LADY SHOW
with “Alex X”
Anime/Sci-Fi Convention Organizer
“I’ve seen so much Gadget porn, you don’t even know.”
Nothing is bigger than comic “cons” right now. Literally nothing! Not the sun. Not the expanding cluster of galaxies billions of light years across that contains the Milky Way. NOTHING!
Join us as we take a peek behind the scenes of these amazing nerdapalloozas with “Alex X,” a semi-anonymous convention organizer who’s worked in cons for years. Find out way more than you wanted to know about the big egos of B-celebrities, secret nerd* orgies, and what drives the mind of a Furry. (Don’t be afraid.)
We also take a dive into the Pink Lady, the most unfairly-maligned “girlie drink” of the last century. It’s shockingly delicious, and not cloying at all when you do it right. (Entirely unlike “Pink Lady and Jeff,” the disturbing variety show from the late 70s.)
*And we mean the word with the most respect we can muster. We’re all nerds here.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Pink Lady Recipe
There are two commonly-found versions of the Pink Lady, one is a more modern version with cream, ours is based on the classic version. Honestly, we think it’s better. You trust us, don’t you?
1.5 oz Gin
.5 oz Apple Jack
.5 oz Lemon juice
2.5 tbs Egg white (or one egg white from a single egg)
2 tsp Grenadine. (4 dashes)
Cherry for garnishing purposes.
Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake with ice. For a drink like this, it’s worth it to get some high-end grenadine. Seriously, don’t use the cheap stuff if you can avoid it. Pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a cherry. (In this case, a maraschino is completely acceptable, but there’s no reason to hold back the Luxardos if you have them.) Enjoy, while feeling gender-neutral!
And if you want to learn more about Grenadine, join our Patreon campaign for access to our Back Room of bonus material.
GRENADINE FOR SALE! (a tiny fraction of your purchase will go to the Army production fund.)
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT FURRIES?
FINALLY, SOME PINK LADY AND JEFF! Prepare to feel deeply uncomfortable.
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS Pronouns, Bottom Surgery & Robot Fucking
with Brian Doherty
We’re back with Adrian Roberts, genuinely official gender non-binary and co-founder of Bootie Mashup dance parties to get into the deeper stuff on the reality of being transgender in America. Among that stuff: Those awkward pronouns, and how you should use them. (Turns out it’s not that complicated.) And also, the uncomfortable subject of “bottom surgery.” (Which is code for getting your genitals sliced up by a licensed professional surgeon.)
THE SIDEWALKER SHOW
with Adrian Roberts
Transperson and Founder of Bootie Mashup
“Ask a Drunk Transgender!” Just in time for President Donny’s big ban on transpeople in the military for no reason, we sit down with Adrian Roberts, one of the first people in the US to officially register as gender non-binary. (She was number 14. Not bad.)
Hear Adrian give the inside word on gender transition, fluidity, liking both boys’ and girls’ toys, and the joys of German beer. Yes, our cocktail is a hefeweizen-based beer concoction with vinegar and lemon juice called the Sidewalker. Shockingly, it’s damn delicious, and not at all a bad revenge plot by the Bavarians.
Also: Do you know the difference between Bananenheizen and Scheissehosen??
We’ll be dead honest, we got this one from a little site called Crafts on Draft, who claim it came from bartender Damon Boelte at Prime Meats restaurant in Brooklyn. We’re quoting verbatim here, mostly because we’re lazy.
Ingredients: (Makes one cocktail)
1 ounce apple brandy (such as Laird’s)
¾ ounce lemon juice
½ ounce maple syrup
¼ ounce apple cider vinegar
Lemon wedge, to garnish
Pour the brandy, lemon juice, maple syrup and vinegar into a cocktail shaker. Add ice and shake. Strain the cocktail into a chilled, tall glass and top with beer. Garnish with a lemon wedge.
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS!
Adrian Roberts is one of the founders of Bootie Mashup, one of the best sources for dance mash-ups and mash-up themed dance parties in the country. Go check it out for free music downloads, club dates, and general bootiliciousness.
ACTUAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN BUCK AND SHAFT ABOUT THIS DRINK
When we first heard about the Sidewalker, we were… OK, we were afraid. We were flat-out scared of what a cocktail with beer and vinegar would do to our souls.
So as promised, so here is the text conversation between Buck and Shaft in all of it’s incredulous glory.
Finally, here’s our show slug again, so social media doesn’t attach that conversation to any shared post, because apparently that’s how this bullshit works.
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS Politics, Lime Juice, and Boy George’s Beard
with Brian Doherty
The Feelings Experiment Continues as Buck and Brian Doherty (senior editor at Reason Magazine) get into some drunken palaver on the state of politics in the internet age. Can we ever have an adult conversation again when debate has become a cage-match for internet trolls?
We also get a little deeper into Rose’s Lime Juice. Because you love that shit! And we ask some very deep questions about Boy George’s Beard.
Also: Name That Sex Act! Why? Because… you love that shit!
It’s “Ask a Drunk Libertarian,” as we get loaded with Brian Doherty, author and senior editor at Reason Magazine. Hear Brian explain that even libertarians don’t take Ayn Rand all that seriously. WARNING: This one gets into an actual political conversation. (We’re shocked, too.) If that bothers you, just fast forward to “Randy, Rice, or Rooney” at the end.
We also find out the history of the Gimlet cocktail, and how it was created by a conspiracy of British sailors and lime juice merchants. Damn limeys.
MixMa$ter Therm was out of town for this one, so until he engineers the “perfect” version, we’re presenting you with two classic recipes.
5 parts gin
1 part simple syrup
1 part lime juice
Combine all the damn ingredients in a shaker. Shake it. Pour over ice. It’s that simple. You can also use Rose’s lime juice if you so choose. It’s already sweetened, but also has some bitter “peel” flavor inherent, so it balances out. There are some people who say stir the damn thing. As far as we can tell, it doesn’t make a big difference in the drink overall, but there’s something about the supercooled shaken version that we enjoy.
Raymond Chandler’s “Long Goodbye” Gimlet
2 parts gin
1 part lime juice
1 part simple syrup
This is exactly how the drink is described in Raymond Chandler’s “The Long Goodbye,” and apparently in the Savoy Cocktail Book as well. Not exactly the ginniest of Gimlets, but it’s a fun historical oddity. Shake it if you got it.
OUR DRUNKEN GUEST
Here’s a link to Brian’s page at Reason.com!
And pick up one of his books. He’s got one of the best book’s on the history of Burning Man, ever.
And you want Rose’s Lime Juice? We got the US and the UK versions!
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS: Science, Vermouth & The Robot Uprising
with Scientist Ian McEwan
Welcome to the Army’s newest experiment: “Let’s Talk About Feelings!” A show where we get a little deeper and a little drunker into a topic of choice with our valued guest. So let’s hear a little more on the future of science in America from scientist Ian McEwan. (WARNING: What he has to say is way more interesting than what we have to say.)
OTHER WARNING: There are maybe fewer dick jokers per hour in this format. Just roll with it.
We also get a little deeper into just what the hell is vermouth, anyway. Do you care? YES, YOU DO!
It’s Season Three, you drunken bastards! Put on your Celebratin’ Pants and get your Manhattan on as we play “Ask a Drunk Scientist” again with our good friend Ian McEwan. Ian tackles the big questions about robot uprisings, those new planets we can’t get to, and how you can or cannot cross the galaxy in one lifetime.
We also get under the history of the Manhattan cocktail — a drink as illustrious as the city itself — and we don’t shy away from the tough philosophical question: Dry or sweet? Bourbon or rye? What kind of vermouth? Wait, there are different kinds of vermouth?
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Manhattan
(The MixMa$ter Therm “Perfect” Version)
3 oz Rye Whiskey
1 oz Dry Vermouth
1/2 oz Sweet Vermouth
6 Dashes of Angostura Bitters
The Manhattan is a drink that’s mostly as good as the base ingredients, so don’t chintz out on the whiskey if you can avoid it. Some people swear that rye is the only proper whiskey for a Manhattan. We trust these people, more or less, so go with rye and see how you like it. David Wondrich also says higher proof whiskies make for better Manhattans than their lower-proof cousins. We definitely trust David Wondrich. You should also put some effort into the vermouth, but remember, open vermouth bottles go bad in a few days if you don’t refrigerate them, so pick up a half-bottle if you can.
As you’d expect, put all of the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Traditionally, you stir the drink it with a cocktail stirrer. Some say shaking adds foam, which you don’t want. Others say if you’ve got foam, you’re using bad ingredients, and besides, shaking is cool. Best to just go with the stirrer to avoid arguments.
Also traditionally, you should ideally chill the glass for half an hour in the freezer before serving. Most people don’t really want to plan that far ahead, so just fill the glass with ice cubes and cold water while you’re mixing, then dump that out before you pour the drink.
Garnish with a Luxardo cherry. Use of a maraschino is a crime punishable by forced exile from the Cocktail Kingdom. Seriously, if you’ve got no Luxardos, use a lemon peel.
MANHATTAN VARIANTS Unsurprisingly, there are as many variants of the Manhattans as there are similes to describe the number of variants of the Manhattan. Some of them are:
SWEET MANHATTAN: Bourbon and sweet vermouth.
DRY MANHATTAN: Rye and dry vermouth.
“PERFECT” MANHATTAN: Rye and 1/2 dry and 1/2 sweet vermouth.
METROPOLITAN: Use Brandy instead of whiskey.
CUBAN MANHATTAN: The “Perfect” recipe, but substituting dark rum.
THE PLACE FOR SOME LINKS THAT WE’LL PROBABLY ADD TO AS PEOPLE ASK US TO ELABORATE ON STUFF
In preparation for Season Three, we’re releasing one of our favorite shows: the 2015 interview with Jhonen Vasquez. (Creator of Invader ZIM, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and, you know, other stuff.) This was before the new INVADER ZIM special was announced (yay!), and before Donald Trump fucked up relations with Cuba (asshole!), but it’s still a great interview, and a durn fine cocktail. (Still NSFW, and definitely not safe for kids.)
ORIGINAL GODDAMN SHOW NOTES!
Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought. Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix. Seriously. So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States. In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.
Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series. We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum. (NSFW as always. And really not safe for kids.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME The El Presidente
We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente. The secret: NO GRENADINE!
MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:
2 parts white rum. (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
1/2 part orange curacao.
Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all. Drink while you oppress the common people.
Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth! It goes bad.
But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:
2 parts white rum.
2 parts dry vermouth.
1/2 part orange curacao.
Dash of grenadine.
Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would. Pour in glass. Drink. Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.
THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH (a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016 with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz
Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself? SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire. (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)
Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic. Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician! And once again, our trusty improv musical guests Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along. We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause! Merry Christmas! Or listen directly here!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)
3/4 cup sugar
2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
5 cups hot water (or black tea)
Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.
OK, pay attention here. Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar. Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil. (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”) And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire. (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.) Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out. Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons. (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you? God, you’re an idiot. Fish them out of the trash or start over.) Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be. If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg. If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.
Serves about 6, we think.
HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER! (Which we lifted from the NPR website.)
TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour. Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste. The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity. – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic! You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood. She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.
Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.
O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)
O come all ye a-holes Joyless and pedantic O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.
Come [unintelligible] For the [unintelligible] O come let us abhor him, O come let us backdoor him, O come ye [unintelligible] Christ, I’m bored!
HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!
AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE… Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing. IMG_1574.MOV
We should migrate to SquareSpace. We really should.