christmas

THE (CHARLES) DICK(ENS) PUNCH CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016

THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH
(a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016
with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz

Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself?  SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire.  (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)

Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic.  Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician!   And once again, our trusty improv musical guests  Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along.  We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause!  Merry Christmas!
Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)

  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 3 lemons
  • 2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
  • 1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
  • 5 cups hot water (or black tea)
  • Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.

OK, pay attention here.  Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar.  Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil.  (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”)  And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire.  (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.)  Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out.  Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons.  (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you?  God, you’re an idiot.  Fish them out of the trash or start over.)  Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be.  If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg.  If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.

Serves about 6, we think.

HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER!
(Which we lifted from the NPR website.)

TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour.  Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste.  The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity.
 – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic!  You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood.  She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.

Simone Turkington: The left half of Mystiki Magic.

Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.

Josh Kamensky and Scott Passarella of Surprise Inside at Drunkstudios, Pasadena.

O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)

O come all ye a-holes
Joyless and pedantic
O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.

Come [unintelligible]
For the [unintelligible]
O come let us abhor him,
O come let us backdoor him,
O come ye [unintelligible]
Christ, I’m bored!

HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!

A middle finger to decency.

AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.

Another middle finger to decency.

AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE…
Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing.
IMG_1574.MOV

We should migrate to SquareSpace.  We really should.

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THE WASSAIL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL – with Jon Alloway and Surprise Inside

AOD Wassail_show_slug_SMALL_OriginalPhoto-472277550.014627THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
With Jon Alloway, musical guest Surprise Inside, and the Army of Drunks’ Tiny Audience!

Ever been Wassailing?  Well don’t.  It’s based on a horrible drink made of eggs, lager, wine, and Dickensian despair.  But it’s Christmas, and we get drunk on it so you don’t have to!

Welcome to the Army of Drunks Christmas Special!  Forget the bullshit “War on Christmas,” we’re going after Santa, more specifically, the SantaCon Rampage, a once-proud tradition of culture jamming now filthy with hipsters and douchebags!  Join us as we sit down with Jon Alloway, a veteran of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society as he tells us about the Krampus Run, a new tradition that celebrates St. Nicholas’ evil goat-headed partner in crime.

Also, all-improv band Surprise Inside regales us with christmas songs whipped-up-right-there-on-the-spot.  We welcome our first Tiny Audience.  And we learn what’s the only thing that can stop a bad Santa with a gun.

Warning: Contains Star Wars spoilers. Suck it, Bantha.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

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The horror of wassail.

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Don’t.

Just don’t.  We tried a big steaming bowl of Wassail on the show, and we don’t recommend the experience for anything.  It’s like drinking a glass of German cinnamon omelette.  However… If you insist on drinking where angels fear to tread,  MixMa$ter Therm recommends Alton Brown’s recipe.  We are linking to it here.  The rest is on your head.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/wassail-recipe.html

HERE’S A LINK TO L.A.’s KRAMPUS GROUP
https://www.facebook.com/groups/krampuslosangeles

AND SURPRISE INSIDE’S PAGE
(They do improv karaoke events at the UCB Theater on Sunset.)
https://www.facebook.com/SurpriseInside/

A TRAILER FOR JON ALLOWAY’S CACOPHONY SOCIETY DOCUMENTARY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4MC2Ng1BDE

SIX SANTAS FIGHTING ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK!

AND CHECK OUT KRAMMPSTEIN, THE KRAMPUS METAL BAND
https://www.facebook.com/krammpstein
Krampus IMG_3760

 

 

Merry Krampmas, one and all!

Drunk Santa
Drunk Santa
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THE OLD FASHIONED SHOW HOLIDAY REDUX – with Johnny Amerika

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OLD FASHIONED SHOW – HOLIDAY REDUX!

With Johnny Amerika

Holiday time is upon us, and as the Drunks gear up for Season Two, we regift a show from Season One, now with added fruitcakery!  MixMa$ter Therm tells you how to make your own Holiday Five-Actually-Seven-Spice Liqueur to give as a gift to the ones you claim to love!

Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today.  We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

 

MIXMA$TER THERM’S HOLIDAY FIVE-ACTUALLY-SEVEN-SPICE LIQUEUR!
Infusing liqueur is  a (sometimes) cheap and (always) easy way to create a gift that makes you look a like an artisan badass.  MixMa$ter Therm set out to concoct a booze based on the original “Chinese Five Spice” spice mix, and two extra spices later had a perfect Christmas liquor for getting loaded under the tree.  You will need:

  • 1 oz. cinnamon stick(s)
  • 1 oz. whole cloves
  • 1 oz. star anis
  • 1 oz. fennel seeds
  • 1 oz. black pepper corns
  • 1 oz. whole nutmeg
  • 1 oz. whole allspice
  • 1.75 liter bottle of vodka
  • Approximately 2 cups simple syrup (1 part sugar to 1 part water)

REGARDING THE SPICES – Yes, we suggest buying them whole, not ground.  It’s not the cheapest way to go, but you’ll have enough left over to make gallons of the stuff if you want.

Holiday Seven Spice Liqueur_small OriginalPhoto-470515979.008200Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile.  Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove.  (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan.  NO STINKIN’ OIL!)

Coax all of those spices into a big-ass bottle of vodka and let it sit for about three days.  Be sure to turn the bottle over a few times once or twice a day to keep them flavors mixin’!   When the three days are up, strain out all of the spice through a fine strainer or a loose coffee filter or the powers of your mind or something.  (And yeah, you’ll need a big bowl to dump all of this Christmas-tasting liquor into.)

Add simple syrup to taste, but we found a 1-to-4 syrup-to-vodka ratio worked quite well.  This would be about 2 cups of simple syrup for 1.75 liters of infused vodka.  Sip along the way to make sure you’ve done it right, and to make the time pass faster.

Pour your finished liqueur into smaller bottles, slap home-made labels on them that read “Annie’s Secret Christmas Cheer Elf Potion” or something equally f***ing adorable, and give them out to anyone you want to impress.  Sit back and reap the holiday benefits, or just get drunk on pure Christmas magic!

AND NOW FOR THE SHOW NOTES…

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Whiskey Old-Fashioned

  • 2 oz. bourbon or rye.  (Or a mix.  We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
  • 1 sugar cube.  (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
  • Angostura bitters
  • Orange slice and/or peel
  • One non-marchino cherry (optional)

Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters.  (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.)  Muddle it.  Pour in the booze.  Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry.  DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT!  Serve like you mean it.

MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
AOD_Therm_Eggnog_IMG_3737

Here’s Johnny’s  trebuchet commercial.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbG9i1oGPA

And the story of Marvin Heemeyer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvin_Heemeyer

 

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THE HOT TODDY CHRISTMAS EVE SPECIAL – with Everybody Get in Here

Hot Toddy Show slug_small_IMG_3433THE HOT TODDY CHRISTMAS EVE  SPECIAL
with Everybody Get In Here

Don’t spend Christmas Eve drinking sad and alone!  Spend it drinking sad and alone with the Army of Drunks!  Join musical guest improv comedy band Everybody Get In Here as we learn the history of the Hot Toddy, the drink King George the First called “laxative.”  We also learn about Spork’s trip to a Russian Christmas Gun Party, devise cocktails based on 2014’s biggest assholes, and find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw on our slightly-longer Christmas Eve special.

Subscribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here:

 

EVERYBODY GET IN HERE ON FACEBOOK
https://www.facebook.com/EverybodyGetInHere

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Army of Drunks Hot Toddy

  • 1  1/2 oz  bourbon
  • 1 tablespoon honey
  • lemon
  • 1/4 cup boiling-hot water
  • Cinnamon stick
  • Clove studs

Pour bourbon and honey into a mug.  Slice up lemon, because it’s useless to you whole.  Add a slice of lemon to your water and boil it in whatever way makes you feel safe.  Take another slice and stud it with cloves for no other reason than it looks cool.  Pour boiling water into mug with honey-booze mixture.  Add cinnamon stick and clove-studded lemon slice.  Drink until you feel good about Christmas.

BOOZE NEWS VISUAL
sexcar_450x250

VANESSA’S HANGOVER CURE
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THE EGGNOG SHOW – with Derek Jones

AOD Egg Nog Show Slug_small_IMG_3233

THE ARMY OF DRUNKS
EGGNOG SHOW
with Derek Jones

Learn about the history of Christmas’ biggest egg-and-dairy-based alcoholic tradition, and why some folks like to leave their nog out before they get their nog on.  Comedian Derek Jones tells us about Los Angeles’ biggest Ugly Sweater Party, and how a Moose takes a mistress.  Also, we play “Name That Sex Act” holiday edition, and find out What’s in Shaw’s Craw!

Subscribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen direct here:

 

FOLLOW DEREK JONES ON TWITTER
https://twitter.com/tooderek

DEREK’S UGLY SWEATER PARTY
https://www.facebook.com/EastCoastFamilyChristmas

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
THE ARMY OF DRUNKS EGGNOG TROUGH
(A recipe bastardized from Alton Brown and Martha Stewart.)
NOTE: This recipe can be cut in half, or a third, if you just don’t have enough friends to consume it all, and if you’re a fan of our podcast, you probably don’t.

  • 12 egg yolks
  • 1 cup, plus 3 tablespoons sugar
  • 1 & 1/2 quarts whole milk
  • 3 cups heavy cream
  • 1 tablespoon freshly grated nutmeg
  • 12 egg whites (to save for servin’ time)
  • 1 cup bourbon
  • 1/2 cup dark rum
  • 1/2 cup brandy or congnac

DIRECTIONS
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color.  Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until it is completely dissolved.  Add the milk, cream, booze and nutmeg and stir to combine.  Then let age for six months if you have time, maybe overnight if you don’t.

When it comes time to serve the glorious nog, place the egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks.  With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Whisk the egg whites into the mixture.  Chill and serve.  (Though you should have chilled it *way* before now.  If you aged your eggnog by leaving it by the fireplace, start over.)

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Nuts being megged by MixMa$ter Therm.

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S EGGNOG RECIPE
“One quart cream, one quart milk, one dozen tablespoons sugar, one pint brandy, 1/2 pint rye whiskey, 1/2 pint Jamaica rum, 1/4 pint sherry—mix liquor first, then separate yolks and whites of eggs, add sugar to beaten yolks, mix well. Add milk and cream, slowly beating. Beat whites of eggs until stiff and fold slowly into mixture. Let set in cool place for several days. Taste frequently.”  Historians believe he used a dozen eggs.  Why?  Because freedom.

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF INJURED POLISH SANTA
£££-A-drunk-Santa

OUR SHAMEFUL EGGNOG CONSUMPTION
Before:
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After:
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