March is the Irishest month, and we’re getting Irish just under the wire with this incredible survey of Irish whiskeys brought to us courtesy of friend of the show and “whisketarian” Alex McKay.
This diabolical batard brought us a selection of liquid Irish gold that spanned the gamut between low-end unaged Irish “moonshine” to a bottle of 21 year old Redbreast that will set your average citizen back about $350. And because we want you to come away with from our show with more than just the sound of other people drinking whiskey, we’ve once again rated them with our unique Army of Drunks whiskey system: What Actor is This Booze?
Oh, and, of course, What Batman is This Booze? Why? Because we’re immature overgrown gen-x geeks who should never be trusted with anything.
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
Oh, and along the way, we discover what’s in Shaw’s Remote Craw, find out something we really didn’t want to know about Irish whiskey legend John Jameson, and test your knowledge of Lucky Charms magic marshmallows.
A few bottles from the suitcase o’ booze Alex brought over.
And the Hurricane Revisited with The Army of Drunks
The Army of Drunks Vieux Carré Show
OK, so we didn’t get the show up until after Mardi Gras! Did you ever consider we got it up way early for next year’s Mardi Gras? Did you? Huh??
In any event, welcome to our Mardi Gras show, where we revisit the old Mardi Gras classic cocktail known as the Hurricane, and take a deep dive on “The New Orleans Manhattan,” the Vieux Carré cocktail. (Pronounce that VOO-CARee, like you’re old-timey Creole, not fancy-pants French.) We also give a little history of Fat Tuesday, talk about that whole beads-for-boobs thing, and let you in on New Orleans’ official “How to Get Arrested at Mardi Gras” list. So pay attention!
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
THE VIEUX CARRÉ
Vieux Carré (accidentally served with an orange twist instead of a lemon one, and we’re sorry)
This New Orleans take on a Manhattan variant has a semi-storied history in the French Quarter, with cognac stepping in to take a little weight of the rye’s shoulder’s. The Benedictine also gives it some nice herbal grace notes, like a lone violinist in a second-line jazz street parade. (That metaphor sucks, but you get the idea.)
Mixma$ter Therm dialed back the vermouth from the original recipe to make what we think is a damn nice little boozy brouhaha.
1 oz Rye
1 oz conganc (or VSOP brandy if you have to substitute)
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1 teaspoon Benedictine
2 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
Pour all ingredients into mixing glass with ice cubes. Stir well. Strain into a rocks glass with ice, or into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry, lemon twist, or both. (And yeah, that’s an orange peel in that photo. We can only say we’re sorry.)
And now we revisit…
THE HURRICANE
The Hurricane Cocktail
The Hurricane is an odd beast, one of those cocktails where the recipe varies depending on which bar you’re in, or what corner of the internet you’re searching. We’ve covered this one before with a pretty standard formulation, but this time we decided we’d pull the recipe from Rebecca & Martin Cate’s tiki bible Smuggler’s Cove. We were shocked that for the first time ever, a recipe Smuggler’s Cove didn’t taste like something we’d call “definitive.” Therm tweaked it a bit, and the results were rather pleasing, indeed.
Here’s the official Army of Drunks Hurricane:
2 oz dark rum (or 1.5 oz dark rum, 1/2 oz dark overproof rum)
1/2 oz orange juice
1/2 oz lemon juice
1 1/4 oz passion fruit syrup (which yes, you can actually buy online)
Shake the rums, passion fruit syrup, and juice with ice, then pour over ice in a traditional “hurricane glass” (though a highball glass will work, too.) Garnish with an orange wheel and a cherry.* Ideally you should use crushed ice, but no one will arrest you if you don’t. You can also batch mix this in a blender if you’re having a party.
*Tropical and Tiki drinks are the few instances where using a maraschino cherry won’t get you kicked out of the Army of Drunks with a dishonorable discharge.
LINKS
Um… Was I supposed to link something in here? Damn. In my drunken fervor I probably forgot to write it down. Please drop us an angry message if we’re missing something.
OR: We make cocktail recipes generated by ChatGPT and ask a drunk scientist to forgive us for our transgressions.
Welcome to our Artificial Intelligence show! (As opposed to the Natural Stupidity we usually practice.) A show so packed with big-brain content, we broke it in two parts.
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
Part one: This is the part packed with the nutritious information your brain craves. Let’s start with “Everything You Know About A.I. is Probably Wrong,” and move forward from there. Our guest, returning “drunk scientist” Ian McEwan answers all of our inebriated newbie questions about A.I., ChatGPT, and whether we’re all gonna end up in a singularity.
Part two: This is the part packed with drunken bullshit. Ian had to get the hell out of Buck’s kitchen and go home, so we were left with our own drunks selves, two AI cocktails to go, and a lot of drunken rambling about… A.I.’s, cocktails, tiki bars, and just about everything else at some point. And we end with a good-time fun-time game-time ha-ha thing!
THE A.I. GENERATED COCKTAIL RECIPES
We asked ChatGPT to work up a cocktail recipe based on our names, with only a little guidance. A couple of them were clearly made by an intelligence that had never tasted liquor before. Fortunately, MixMa$ter Therm was there to make some adjustments in the places where the computer went off the rails. It’s like the cocktail equivalent of Midjourney’s six-fingered hands. The recipe alterations are presented in the recipes for clarity, and we’ve set Therm’s fixes as the defaults. Seriously, no reason not to start with the version that involved some human intervention, unless you seriously have a thing for six-fingered hands.
THE SHAW’S CRAW
An AI-generated image of the Shaw’s Craw Cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe called “Shaw’s Craw” that uses gin and has a bit of an “angry” kick.
• 2 oz of gin • 3/4 oz of fresh lime juice • 1/2 oz of simple syrup • 1/4 oz of green Chartreuse • 1/4 oz of Campari • 2 dashes of Angostura bitters • Lime wheel for garnish
Directions: In a shaker, combine gin, lime juice, simple syrup, green Chartreuse, Campari, and bitters. Add ice and shake well. Strain into a rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with a lime wheel.
Our verdict: Damn nice, indeed! It may not remind you of Matt Shaw, but it does remind you of his craw.
THE THERMAL EYE
An AI-generated image of the Thermal Eye cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe for a drink called the Thermal Eye, that is complex and has a “thermal” quality to it:
• 2 oz of mezcal • 1/4 oz absinthe (ChatGPT said 1/2 oz) • 1/2 oz of pineapple juice • 1/2 oz of honey syrup • 1/4 oz of lime juice • 1/2 oz of jalapeño simple syrup (ChatGPT said 1/4 oz) • 2 dashes of mole bitters • A slice of jalapeño for garnish
Directions: In a shaker, combine mezcal, absinthe, pineapple juice, honey syrup, lime juice, jalapeño simple syrup, and mole bitters. Add ice and shake well. Strain into a rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with a slice of jalapeño.
Our verdict: Also a damn nice drink with Therm’s adjustments. Sweet and spicy without being “hot.” It was essential to pull back on the absinthe, since a little of that stuff goes a very long way. Therm also bumped up the jalapeño syrup so the flavor had an actual presence.
THE SHAFT TAKES MANHATTAN
An AI-generated image of a Shaft Takes Manhattan cocktail
Ok, the original request got lost when we copied the text. We probably asked for a “complex” take on the Manhattan and the AI probably responded as it usually does, by adding green chartreuse and absinthe. This is the revised version.
“Sure, here’s a new recipe for a ‘Shaft Manhattan’ cocktail:”
• 2 oz Rye whiskey • 1/2 oz sweet vermouth • 1/4 oz maraschino liqueur • 1/4 oz Cynar • 2 dashes of orange bitters • Orange peel, for garnish
Directions: In a mixing glass, combine the rye whiskey, sweet vermouth, maraschino liqueur, Cynar and orange bitters. Fill the mixing glass with ice and stir until chilled. Strain the mixture into a chilled cocktail glass. Express the oil from an orange peel over the top of the drink and drop it in.
Our verdict: Yep, it tastes like a high-end Manhattan you might pay a lot for in a crafty cocktail bar. The Cynar and maraschino take the edge off the rye with the combination of Cybar’s complex bitterness and maraschino’s cherry sweetness. Shaft himself wondered if the flavor was just more pleasant than distinctive, but we wouldn’t throw it out of New York for eatin’ crackers.
THE BUCK DOWN
Yes, appropriately AI-generated image of a Buck Down cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe called “The Buck Down” that contains bourbon and has a retrofuturist feel? (Yes, we said “retrofuturist.”)
• 2 oz bourbon • 1/2 oz coffee liqueur (ChatGPT says use cold brew coffee liqueur) • 1/4 oz honey syrup • 2 dashes of chocolate bitters • 1 dash of absinthe for garnish (ChatGPT said 1/4 oz absinthe)
Directions: In a mixing glass, combine bourbon, cold brew coffee liqueur, absinthe, honey syrup, and chocolate bitters. Add ice and stir until chilled. Strain into a glass. Garnish with a dash of absinthe. Enjoy your retro-futuristic cocktail, “The Buck Down”!
AI’s Notes: • For honey syrup, mix equal parts honey and hot water until the honey is dissolved • To give it a more retro-futuristic feel, you can serve it in a vintage glassware. (Oh yes it did. It hung the futurist feel on the glassware. Cheap cop-out, GPT.)
Our Verdict: Another real nice creation when you lose the absinthe. The coffee liqueur complements the bourbon and gives it a sweet richness. (We used classic Kaluha because it was what we could get our hands on, the AI recommends a cold brew coffee liqueur.) And ok, we admit just one dash of absinthe doesn’t hurt it one damn bit.
FINDING IAN MCEWAN
If you want to catch up with Ian, the best place to find him is on his Mastadon account. He says it’s…
You heard him all throughout the background of the show. At last, the images can be released! This is Floyd the bulldog, the finest creation ever to come out of the Jim Henson Creature Shop in its history.
It’s the 2020 Drunk Guide to California State Ballot Measures — with friend of the show Josh Kamensky!
Are ballot measures funny? We did this four years ago, and nobody complained!
Hey California Voters — which, incidentally, is most of our fans — how’d you like a drunken, rambling, into-the-weeds-with-no-turning-back guide to all of those pesky ballot measures? If the answer is yes, YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! (If the answer is no, feel free to fuck right off.)
Friend of the show Josh Kamensky takes your tiny, frightened hand and leads you on a magical tour of every ballot measure staring us down this year. By the time we’re done, you’ll actually know what the hell you’re talking about when a friend asks that portentous question: “So… Yes on 16?”
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018 with Competitive Eater Doug Ecks
Yep. That’s how it’s spelled. Daiquiri. We looked it up.
It’s Summertime folks, and the drunks are back in town! In this episode, we’re enjoying a relaxing fruity beverage, trying not to think too much about the state of our democracy, and learning all about the fascinating world of competitive eating!
We’re joined by Doug Ecks, a man who can put away a frankly shocking amount of franks in a single sitting. We have so very many questions. By the end of this one, you’ll know a ton about Doug, Daiquiries, and damn little else.
AND WELCOME OUR NEW SPONSOR! 503 Distilling has a fantastic line cocktails in a can, for those times when you just don’t have the time, space, or gumption to mix your own damn drink. Between the Wicked Mule and the Blood Hound, they got your lazy drunken ways covered! Deliciously too, damn it!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME The Daiquiri
The classic daiquiri recipe is not that complicated. If you fuck it up, you’re not even competent enough to be drinking, much less drink-mixing. However, it never hurts to do the homework of squeezing your own limes and picking up a good rum for a change.*
2 oz light rum
1 oz fresh squeezed lime juice
1/2 oz simple syrup
Ice. Some say crushed.
First you need to chill your glass, because it’s hot in Cuba. Put some ice in it and set it aside, like any kindergarten-level bartender knows to do. Then put some ice in a cocktail shaker and throw in your ingredients. (Throw is a metaphor, here. Don’t throw any liquids unless you are secretly Avatar: The Last Booze-Bender and have supernatural control over cocktails. If this is the case, also please be training to battle the Lord of the Sober Nation.) Shake the mixture up good. Remove the ice from your glass and lovingly pour in the magic cocktail juice. Garnish with a lime wheel and enjoy. WE SAID ENJOY, YOU BASTARD!
NOTE: Some recipes call for you to use straight sugar instead of simple syrup. This is Next Level Shit™, and we don’t recommend you try it without a lot of practice first. The results can be uncomfortably granular and not nearly sweet enough.
We also tried a bastardized version of the New York Times’ Banana Daiquiri recipe. Bastardized in that Shaft forgot to buy orange juice so we just plum left it out. Still, it’s the best banana daiquiri we’ve ever had, and we used to frequent TGI Friday’s in our young, embarrassing years.
(By the way, the next time you hear Unhinged Chucklehead Donald Trump call the New York Times “failing,” point out to him that they’ve done a hell of a lot more to promote banana daiquiris in this country than he has. Then please kick him in the goolies for us, since you’ve obviously gotten close enough to talk to his bloated orange face.)
The Times’ recipe is:
2 ½ounces dark rum
2 ½ounces light rum
3ounces lime juice
2ounces orange juice (which we forgot and it turned out great anyway)
2large, very ripe, frozen bananas, sliced
1ounce simple syrup
2cups ice
Mix everything up in a blender. Pour it all in a glass. Throw fruit on top to make it look cute. Pour down chest. Pretend it’s spring break.
The Hemingway Daiquiri
The version Ernest made famous, also called “The Papa Doble,” because it needed twice the rum to satisfy a man of such massive manliness. Imbibe magazine’s Hemingway Daiquiri recipe is as good as you’ll find anywhere, so go check them out.
He’s also on Facebook if you really need to get a hold of him, but you can search for that. We’re not enabling any of you hotdog-stalkers.
STUFF YOU SHOULD BUY!
Once again, we brought up the Smuggler’s Cove book. If you don’t own it already, buy it through our Army of Drunks link and we’ll get to keep a few cents off the sale. Jeff Bezos is a god damn saint, isn’t he?
THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW with The Performer Known as T.J. Former D!sney Costumed Character
“Who’s easier to kick in the nuts: Tigger or Captain Hook?”
Ever go to a big-time theme park and wonder just who the poor suffering bastard is inside the Tigger costume? Well, now you can find out!
Meet T.J., a man who spent years as a character performer at D!sney World, and doesn’t mind talking about it. (But we’re worried the Mouse might come after us, so we’re spelling it “D!sney,” just to fool the Googlers. That Mouse plays hardball, man.)
Meanwhile, we get drunk on the Suffering Bastard cocktail, the hangover cure made so famous during WWII, that General Rommel himself wanted to invade Cairo to get one. *
1 oz Bourbon (or Brandy, depending on how old-school you’re feeling)
1 tsp Fresh Lime Juice (or sweetened, depending on how sweet you’re feeling)
2 dashes Angostura Bitters
Ginger Ale (or ginger beer, depending on how ginger you’re feeling)
Mint Leaves to garnish (or a cherry, or a lemon slice, depending on how garnished you’re feeling)
Combine the booze, the lime juice and the bitters in a cocktail shaker, and shake well with ice. (Hey, put the ice in first, that’s how they usually do it.) Strain into an ice-fulled highball or collins glass, and then top it off with ginger ale. Mint leaves are the traditional garnish, but we like a cherry for the more tropical feel. Look, garnish is a personal thing, like hats.
Bastard-creator Joe Scialom also went on to create two more drinks, the Dying Bastard and the Dead Bastard. Each just contained greater combinations of alcohol. We can’t vouch for them, but for historical and academic purposes, we present the recipes here as we found them.* As with the Suffering, use a cocktail shaker, etc. etc.
The Dying Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
2 dashes Angustora bitters
The Dead Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce rum (light)
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
1 dash Angustora bitters
As for why the Dead Bastard takes it easy on the bitters, we have no idea.
THE WHISKEY SPECIAL with Alex MacKay The Whiskey Genius
Summer is over, and it’s time to go back to school. This is Whiskey 101, where our good friend and not-self-described “Whiskey Genius” Alex MacKay takes you on a tour of some of the major whiskies of the world.
It’s one of our longer shows, but by the time it’s done, you’ll have a better understanding of where the golden brown ambrosia* comes from, what’s the difference between scotch and bourbon, why you don’t want to drink Costco Canadian, and just which Batman is that whiskey you’re drinking.
Joining us also is comedy writer and friend of the show Aydrea Walden. She’s good people.
Also, we cut a very long segment about how whiskey is made, but if you’d like to hear that, please join our Patreon campaign, and we’ll give you access to our Back Room of bonus material!
* Please remind us never to use the term “brown ambrosia” ever again.
Since there’s no cocktail this week, we thought we’d provide a list of all the whiskeys Alex brought for us to sample. Note that most of these are available at your local BevMo, and you can even buy those tiny airplane bottles of some of them. So keeping up with the drunks doesn’t have to cost you an arm and a leg.
Here’s a helpful chart to help you follow along on our journey up Whiskey Mountain. Rather than using the usual descriptors of “taste” and “aroma,” we decided to describe the various boozes in terms of actors. This quickly devolved into describing them in terms of Batmans. (Yes, “Batmans” is the plural of “Batman.” Look it up.)
WHISKEY NAME
COUNTRY
WHICH ACTOR IS IT?
WHICH BATMAN IS IT?
Costco Canadian
Canada
Steven Segal
George Clooney
Nikka Coffey
Japan
Michelle Yeoh
Adam West
Redbreast 12 Year
Ireland
Kenneth Branagh
Michael Keaton
Johnny Walker Green Label
Scotland
David Tennant
Kevin Conroy
(The Animated Series)
Knob Creek Single Barrel
America
We forgot to name one,
but say Steve McQueen
Will Arnett
(Lego Batman)
Ardbeg 10 Year
Scotland
Christian Bale
Christian Bale
BONUS ROUND Alex suggested a few other whiskies if you’re feeling adventurous. Or even if you’re not.
THE MOJITO SHOW With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)
What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015? Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids! Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.
We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida. Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!
And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)
First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass. (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon. If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.) Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution. Repeat.
OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield Check Your Bucket – Eddie Bo Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna
All of these songs can be found on Amazon at The Army’s Drunk Music Store!
(So hey, music lawyers, please don’t give us a take-down order.)
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly
It’s August, and since everyone in Southern California fucks off to pastures new, we’re re-running one of our favorite shows.
In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself. (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)
WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.
Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening. (Or go ahead and worry. See if we care.) But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.
Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and pour into a martini glass. Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire. Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself. Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.
The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)
OUR HONORED GUEST Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly. Read more about him here.
Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.
AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT… Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.
Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.
THE PINK LADY SHOW
with “Alex X”
Anime/Sci-Fi Convention Organizer
“I’ve seen so much Gadget porn, you don’t even know.”
Nothing is bigger than comic “cons” right now. Literally nothing! Not the sun. Not the expanding cluster of galaxies billions of light years across that contains the Milky Way. NOTHING!
Join us as we take a peek behind the scenes of these amazing nerdapalloozas with “Alex X,” a semi-anonymous convention organizer who’s worked in cons for years. Find out way more than you wanted to know about the big egos of B-celebrities, secret nerd* orgies, and what drives the mind of a Furry. (Don’t be afraid.)
We also take a dive into the Pink Lady, the most unfairly-maligned “girlie drink” of the last century. It’s shockingly delicious, and not cloying at all when you do it right. (Entirely unlike “Pink Lady and Jeff,” the disturbing variety show from the late 70s.)
*And we mean the word with the most respect we can muster. We’re all nerds here.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Pink Lady Recipe
There are two commonly-found versions of the Pink Lady, one is a more modern version with cream, ours is based on the classic version. Honestly, we think it’s better. You trust us, don’t you?
1.5 oz Gin
.5 oz Apple Jack
.5 oz Lemon juice
2.5 tbs Egg white (or one egg white from a single egg)
1/2 oz Grenadine (NOTE: We updated this amount… because.)
Cherry for garnishing purposes.
Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake with ice. For a drink like this, it’s worth it to get some high-end grenadine. Seriously, don’t use the cheap stuff if you can avoid it. Pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a cherry. (In this case, a maraschino is completely acceptable, but there’s no reason to hold back the Luxardos if you have them.) Enjoy, while feeling gender-neutral!
And if you want to learn more about Grenadine, join our Patreon campaign for access to our Back Room of bonus material.
GRENADINE FOR SALE! (a tiny fraction of your purchase will go to the Army production fund.)
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT FURRIES?
FINALLY, SOME PINK LADY AND JEFF! Prepare to feel deeply uncomfortable.
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS Pronouns, Bottom Surgery & Robot Fucking
with Brian Doherty
(Really NSFW)
We’re back with Adrian Roberts, genuinely official gender non-binary and co-founder of Bootie Mashup dance parties to get into the deeper stuff on the reality of being transgender in America. Among that stuff: Those awkward pronouns, and how you should use them. (Turns out it’s not that complicated.) And also, the uncomfortable subject of “bottom surgery.” (Which is code for getting your genitals sliced up by a licensed professional surgeon.)
THE SIDEWALKER SHOW
with Adrian Roberts
Transperson and Founder of Bootie Mashup
“Ask a Drunk Transgender!” Just in time for President Donny’s big ban on transpeople in the military for no reason, we sit down with Adrian Roberts, one of the first people in the US to officially register as gender non-binary. (She was number 14. Not bad.)
Hear Adrian give the inside word on gender transition, fluidity, liking both boys’ and girls’ toys, and the joys of German beer. Yes, our cocktail is a hefeweizen-based beer concoction with vinegar and lemon juice called the Sidewalker. Shockingly, it’s damn delicious, and not at all a bad revenge plot by the Bavarians.
Also: Do you know the difference between Bananenheizen and Scheissehosen??
We’ll be dead honest, we got this one from a little site called Crafts on Draft, who claim it came from bartender Damon Boelte at Prime Meats restaurant in Brooklyn. We’re quoting verbatim here, mostly because we’re lazy.
Ingredients: (Makes one cocktail)
1 ounce apple brandy (such as Laird’s)
¾ ounce lemon juice
½ ounce maple syrup
¼ ounce apple cider vinegar
hefeweizen
Lemon wedge, to garnish
Preperation
Pour the brandy, lemon juice, maple syrup and vinegar into a cocktail shaker. Add ice and shake. Strain the cocktail into a chilled, tall glass and top with beer. Garnish with a lemon wedge.
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS!
Adrian Roberts is one of the founders of Bootie Mashup, one of the best sources for dance mash-ups and mash-up themed dance parties in the country. Go check it out for free music downloads, club dates, and general bootiliciousness.
ACTUAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN BUCK AND SHAFT ABOUT THIS DRINK
When we first heard about the Sidewalker, we were… OK, we were afraid. We were flat-out scared of what a cocktail with beer and vinegar would do to our souls.
So as promised, so here is the text conversation between Buck and Shaft in all of it’s incredulous glory.
Finally, here’s our show slug again, so social media doesn’t attach that conversation to any shared post, because apparently that’s how this bullshit works.
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS Politics, Lime Juice, and Boy George’s Beard
with Brian Doherty
The Feelings Experiment Continues as Buck and Brian Doherty (senior editor at Reason Magazine) get into some drunken palaver on the state of politics in the internet age. Can we ever have an adult conversation again when debate has become a cage-match for internet trolls?
We also get a little deeper into Rose’s Lime Juice. Because you love that shit! And we ask some very deep questions about Boy George’s Beard.
Also: Name That Sex Act! Why? Because… you love that shit!
It’s “Ask a Drunk Libertarian,” as we get loaded with Brian Doherty, author and senior editor at Reason Magazine. Hear Brian explain that even libertarians don’t take Ayn Rand all that seriously. WARNING: This one gets into an actual political conversation. (We’re shocked, too.) If that bothers you, just fast forward to “Randy, Rice, or Rooney” at the end.
We also find out the history of the Gimlet cocktail, and how it was created by a conspiracy of British sailors and lime juice merchants. Damn limeys.
MixMa$ter Therm was out of town for this one, so until he engineers the “perfect” version, we’re presenting you with two classic recipes.
“Classic” Gimlet
5 parts gin
1 part simple syrup
1 part lime juice
Combine all the damn ingredients in a shaker. Shake it. Pour over ice. It’s that simple. You can also use Rose’s lime juice if you so choose. It’s already sweetened, but also has some bitter “peel” flavor inherent, so it balances out. There are some people who say stir the damn thing. As far as we can tell, it doesn’t make a big difference in the drink overall, but there’s something about the supercooled shaken version that we enjoy.
Raymond Chandler’s “Long Goodbye” Gimlet
2 parts gin
1 part lime juice
1 part simple syrup
This is exactly how the drink is described in Raymond Chandler’s “The Long Goodbye,” and apparently in the Savoy Cocktail Book as well. Not exactly the ginniest of Gimlets, but it’s a fun historical oddity. Shake it if you got it.
OUR DRUNKEN GUEST
Here’s a link to Brian’s page at Reason.com!
And pick up one of his books. He’s got one of the best book’s on the history of Burning Man, ever.
And you want Rose’s Lime Juice? We got the US and the UK versions!
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS: Science, Vermouth & The Robot Uprising
with Scientist Ian McEwan
Welcome to the Army’s newest experiment: “Let’s Talk About Feelings!” A show where we get a little deeper and a little drunker into a topic of choice with our valued guest. So let’s hear a little more on the future of science in America from scientist Ian McEwan. (WARNING: What he has to say is way more interesting than what we have to say.)
OTHER WARNING: There are maybe fewer dick jokers per hour in this format. Just roll with it.
We also get a little deeper into just what the hell is vermouth, anyway. Do you care? YES, YOU DO!
It’s Season Three, you drunken bastards! Put on your Celebratin’ Pants and get your Manhattan on as we play “Ask a Drunk Scientist” again with our good friend Ian McEwan. Ian tackles the big questions about robot uprisings, those new planets we can’t get to, and how you can or cannot cross the galaxy in one lifetime.
We also get under the history of the Manhattan cocktail — a drink as illustrious as the city itself — and we don’t shy away from the tough philosophical question: Dry or sweet? Bourbon or rye? What kind of vermouth? Wait, there are different kinds of vermouth?
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Manhattan
(The MixMa$ter Therm “Perfect” Version)
3 oz Rye Whiskey
1 oz Dry Vermouth
1/2 oz Sweet Vermouth
6 Dashes of Angostura Bitters
The Manhattan is a drink that’s mostly as good as the base ingredients, so don’t chintz out on the whiskey if you can avoid it. Some people swear that rye is the only proper whiskey for a Manhattan. We trust these people, more or less, so go with rye and see how you like it. David Wondrich also says higher proof whiskies make for better Manhattans than their lower-proof cousins. We definitely trust David Wondrich. You should also put some effort into the vermouth, but remember, open vermouth bottles go bad in a few days if you don’t refrigerate them, so pick up a half-bottle if you can.
As you’d expect, put all of the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Traditionally, you stir the drink it with a cocktail stirrer. Some say shaking adds foam, which you don’t want. Others say if you’ve got foam, you’re using bad ingredients, and besides, shaking is cool. Best to just go with the stirrer to avoid arguments.
Also traditionally, you should ideally chill the glass for half an hour in the freezer before serving. Most people don’t really want to plan that far ahead, so just fill the glass with ice cubes and cold water while you’re mixing, then dump that out before you pour the drink.
Garnish with a Luxardo cherry. Use of a maraschino is a crime punishable by forced exile from the Cocktail Kingdom. Seriously, if you’ve got no Luxardos, use a lemon peel.
MANHATTAN VARIANTS Unsurprisingly, there are as many variants of the Manhattans as there are similes to describe the number of variants of the Manhattan. Some of them are:
SWEET MANHATTAN: Bourbon and sweet vermouth.
DRY MANHATTAN: Rye and dry vermouth.
“PERFECT” MANHATTAN: Rye and 1/2 dry and 1/2 sweet vermouth.
METROPOLITAN: Use Brandy instead of whiskey.
CUBAN MANHATTAN: The “Perfect” recipe, but substituting dark rum.
THE PLACE FOR SOME LINKS THAT WE’LL PROBABLY ADD TO AS PEOPLE ASK US TO ELABORATE ON STUFF
THE CORPSE REVIVER SHOW With Mortician Amber Carvaly & Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden & Guest Bartender James Slay Subscribe on iTunes here!
Welcome to our Halloween show! And how better to celebrate the season of spooks, costume parties, and candy comas than by plunging headlong into death! Our guest is Amber Carvaly (Undertaking LA), a mortician with a mission to bring the funeral back into the hands of the bereaved and away from corporate casket-dealing bastards, and we get in deep conversation about death, dying, and whether you should be buried with your keno chips.
And our drink is the Corpse Reviver, versions number one and (the more common) number two, a class of drink as old as the 19th century, but brought into popularity by one man during prohibition. We try both the old-school brandy-based beverage, and the more brunch-friendly gin-and-lemon version. Which will revive a corpse faster? You be the judge!
And with us again is special guest host Aydrea Walden, creator of The Oreo Experience blog, and guest bartender James Slay… Because Spork and Therm are dead! (Alert Bela Lugosi.) (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Corpse Reviver no. 1
(The olde-timey one.)
2 parts Cognac
1 part Calvados or Apple Brandy
1 part Sweet Vermouth
Stir ingredients together with ice. Pour into a cocktail glass, or if you’re appropriately schmancy, a coupe glass. Administer to ease the walking dead hangover.
The Corpse Reviver no. 2 (The citrusy bunch-friendly one)
One part (or 3/4 oz) Gin
One part(or 3/4 oz) Cointreau or Curacao
One part (or 3/4 oz) Lillet Blanc
One part (or, wait for it… 3/4 oz) Lemon Juice
One dash Absinthe
Strain all the ingredients together into a shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Drink. And to quote Harry Craddock, inventor of the Corpse Reviver no. 2, “Four of these taken in quick succession will unrevive the corpse again.”
The Savoy Cocktail book by Henry Craddock is an indispensable tome for all lovers of classic cocktails. A direct reprint of the original 1930 volume, this book is home to the original recipe for the Corpse Revivers no. 1&2, as well as dozens of prohibition-era drinks. Drink like you’re historic, man!
Amber Carvaly’s partner in crime at Undertaking L.A. is Caitlin Doughty, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and one of the foremost advocates for a more natural approach to caring for the dead. Her book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes recounts her time working in a crematorium. Damn, it’s fascinating.
THE COBBLER SHOW With James Slay
Actual Goddamn Bartender
We should have done this a long time ago. This week the Army of Drunks sits down with an actual goddamn bartender to hear what life is like behind the counter. Warning: it can suck to be on the other side of you when you’re ordering a drink.
While we hear war stories from behind the bar, we investigate the Cobbler, the first American cocktail to take the world by storm in the 18th century, thanks two the combination of sherry, ice and — believe it or goddamn not — the invention of the straw. Listen as we get old-tymie loaded on both the original Sherry Cobbler, which liked you’d expect is made with sherry, and the D Cobbler, which upgrades to whiskey and ginger ale. (NSFW as always.)
During the show, James educates us on William Schmidt, one of the first cocktail book authors in America. In fact, here he is! Look into his steely, whiskey-burned gaze as you think about what booze awaits you.
William Stinkin’ Schmidt!
Remember, William is an innocent, but his mustache stands in judgement of you and all you’ve done… or failed to do… in this life.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Narragansett Cobbler
Whole Peel of Orange
Juice of one Orange
One “jigger” whiskey (we used Canadian whiskey)
One Bottle of Ginger Ale (though you won’t need the whole thing)
Cracked Ice
Berries to Garnish this Sucker
A Paper Straw (if you’re going to be traditional about it)
If you’re going to be a badass like MixMa$ter Therm, start by taking off the entire peel of one orange in one piece. Good luck with that. Put the peel artfully spiraled in a collins glass. Add the juice of the orange, a jigger of whiskey, fill the rest with ice, and top off with ginger ale. Then garnish it with berries, because it makes you look all-Martha-Stewart ‘n’ shit. (And really, it makes the drink look gorgeous.) Drink through a straw, a paper one if you’re going to be historically accurate.
AND AS LONG AS YOU’RE SIPPING HISTORY, ALSO TRY…
The Sherry Cobbler
4 oz. Dry Sherry (everyone says go for amantillado)
1/2 tsp simple syrup or 1 tbs sugar
2 or 3 Orange Slices
Cracked Ice
Berries and/or Mint to Garnish it to Glory
A Goddamn Paper Straw
Muddle the orange slices and the sugar/syrup in a mixing glass. Add the sherry and ice, then shake like a bucking mule. Strain into a collins glass over more cracked ice. Garnish that sucker with berries and a paper straw. Pretend you’re in The Music Man.
BUY WILLIAM SCHMIDT’S BOOK!
AND CHECK OUT THE CAPGUN HOLDUPS!
SOME GODDAMN PHOTOS FROM THE RECORDING SESSION – ORANGE SLAUGHTER & SUPER MARIO!
THE BOURBON & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SHOW With Linda Williamson
Writer for L.A. Weekly, L.A. Times & L.A. Magazine
NSFW. NSFW! Oh, and NSFW!!
We thought this would be a good idea. We had no idea it would end the way it did.
Bourbon and Girl Scout cookies. Who would think to pair them? Well, everyone after that little article from the Bourbon Review website went viral. The difference between us and your questionable friends who posted it on Facebook is that we actually tried it! We soon discovered half the bourbons the article recommended were either impossible to find or astronomically priced, so we made a few substitutions of our own to make the boozy picnic possible. Then we invited writer Linda Williamson — author of the L.A. Weekly article “Girl Scout Cookies: Sugar, God & Questionable Math Skills” — to bring her own unique opinions about Thin Mints.
That part went all right. Delightful, even. It was what came late that we have to apologize for. We are very, very sorry for how the show wound up, and we promise to never, ever do it again. Really. (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Here are the bourbon & cookie pairings we tried:
Thin Mints & Basil Hayden’s
Peanut Butter Sandwiches* & Johnny Drum by Willet
Shortbreads & Maker’s 46**
Samoas / Carmel Delites & Russel’s Reserve***
* This is supposed to be paired with Peanut Butter Patties, not sandwiches, but our Girl Scout screwed up. Honestly, it would have worked much better with the proper cookie. We blame ourselves, but only because it looks bad to blame Girl Scouts for anything.
** The Bourbon Review recommended Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year Old for this pairing. Simply clicking that link will explain why we didn’t use it. (Yeah, it must be great being a bourbon review site and getting $2,500 bottles of out-of-circulation whiskey for free.) We substitued the Maker’s 46 because of its oaky flavor.
*** The Bourbon Review paired this with Angel’s Envy Rye. It’s rare, and the local liquor store was asking about $200 for a bottle of it. We substituted Russel’s Reserve for its sweet overtones. It’s a durn fine bourbon for the price.
MixMa$ter Therm has lined up the best thing to get mommy through that protracted Scout meeting.
SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN?
All of the pairings were interesting, some were a little more desserty than others, but the biggest straight-up home-run was Russel’s Reserve and Samoas. We’d recommend that to you or any Girl Scout who grew up and got sassy. Shortbreads and Maker’s 46 also made a nice combination for someone who’s feeling more refined about their booze-and-cookie habit.
We also discovered that dunking Thin Mints in Maker’s 46 is embarrassingly delicious. The mint puts you in the mind of the bourbon and mint combination of a mint julep, and the chocolate cools out the heat of the Maker’s, while reminding you that you’re a goddamn grown-up drinking expensive bourbon with a six-year-old’s favorite milk-time treat. What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t let any serious bourbon aficionado catch you doing it. (Though, really, you can’t run your life by what aficionados think. Seriously, are you gonna let an aficionado push you around?)
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly
Yes, unless you’ve been buried under a man who fell to earth for the past month, you know that David Bowie recently passed on to the great unknown. In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself. (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)
WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.
Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening. (Or go ahead and worry. See if we care.) But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.
Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and pour into a martini glass. Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire. Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself. Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.
The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)
OUR HONORED GUEST Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly. Read more about him here.
Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.
AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT… Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.
Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.
THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! With Jon Alloway, musical guest Surprise Inside, and the Army of Drunks’ Tiny Audience!
Ever been Wassailing? Well don’t. It’s based on a horrible drink made of eggs, lager, wine, and Dickensian despair. But it’s Christmas, and we get drunk on it so you don’t have to!
Welcome to the Army of Drunks Christmas Special! Forget the bullshit “War on Christmas,” we’re going after Santa, more specifically, the SantaCon Rampage, a once-proud tradition of culture jamming now filthy with hipsters and douchebags! Join us as we sit down with Jon Alloway, a veteran of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society as he tells us about the Krampus Run, a new tradition that celebrates St. Nicholas’ evil goat-headed partner in crime.
Also, all-improv band Surprise Inside regales us with christmas songs whipped-up-right-there-on-the-spot. We welcome our first Tiny Audience. And we learn what’s the only thing that can stop a bad Santa with a gun.
Warning: Contains Star Wars spoilers. Suck it, Bantha.
Just don’t. We tried a big steaming bowl of Wassail on the show, and we don’t recommend the experience for anything. It’s like drinking a glass of German cinnamon omelette. However… If you insist on drinking where angels fear to tread, MixMa$ter Therm recommends Alton Brown’s recipe. We are linking to it here. The rest is on your head.
Holiday time is upon us, and as the Drunks gear up for Season Two, we regift a show from Season One, now with added fruitcakery! MixMa$ter Therm tells you how to make your own Holiday Five-Actually-Seven-Spice Liqueur to give as a gift to the ones you claim to love!
Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today. We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.
MIXMA$TER THERM’S HOLIDAY FIVE-ACTUALLY-SEVEN-SPICE LIQUEUR! Infusing liqueur is a (sometimes) cheap and (always) easy way to create a gift that makes you look a like an artisan badass. MixMa$ter Therm set out to concoct a booze based on the original “Chinese Five Spice” spice mix, and two extra spices later had a perfect Christmas liquor for getting loaded under the tree. You will need:
1 oz. cinnamon stick(s)
1 oz. whole cloves
1 oz. star anis
1 oz. fennel seeds
1 oz. black pepper corns
1 oz. whole nutmeg
1 oz. whole allspice
1.75 liter bottle of vodka
Approximately 2 cups simple syrup (1 part sugar to 1 part water)
REGARDING THE SPICES – Yes, we suggest buying them whole, not ground. It’s not the cheapest way to go, but you’ll have enough left over to make gallons of the stuff if you want.
Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile. Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove. (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan. NO STINKIN’ OIL!)
Coax all of those spices into a big-ass bottle of vodka and let it sit for about three days. Be sure to turn the bottle over a few times once or twice a day to keep them flavors mixin’! When the three days are up, strain out all of the spice through a fine strainer or a loose coffee filter or the powers of your mind or something. (And yeah, you’ll need a big bowl to dump all of this Christmas-tasting liquor into.)
Add simple syrup to taste, but we found a 1-to-4 syrup-to-vodka ratio worked quite well. This would be about 2 cups of simple syrup for 1.75 liters of infused vodka. Sip along the way to make sure you’ve done it right, and to make the time pass faster.
Pour your finished liqueur into smaller bottles, slap home-made labels on them that read “Annie’s Secret Christmas Cheer Elf Potion” or something equally f***ing adorable, and give them out to anyone you want to impress. Sit back and reap the holiday benefits, or just get drunk on pure Christmas magic!
AND NOW FOR THE SHOW NOTES…
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Whiskey Old-Fashioned
2 oz. bourbon or rye. (Or a mix. We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
1 sugar cube. (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
Angostura bitters
Orange slice and/or peel
One non-marchino cherry (optional)
Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters. (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.) Muddle it. Pour in the booze. Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry. DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT! Serve like you mean it.
MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
THE WHITE RUSSIAN SHOW With Aydrea Walden
(Author of The Oreo Experience)
The White Russian? Is it more than just a Black Russian with cream? Actually, no. But just like “cream” can mean the difference between an NC-17 and X rating, the mighty dairy product does something special that takes this cocktail to a sweeter and sweatier place.
Join us as we explore the details of the White Russian, and since we really covered the Black Russian in another show, also discuss the details of the 1985 film “White Nights,” with Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov.
But our real star is Aydrea Walden, author of “The Oreo Experience” blog, and creator of the stage show of the same name. Aydrea regales us with tales of growing up as a self-described “Oreo,” or “total whitey trapped in a black chick’s body,” why it was impossible to convince her white peers in a Texas high school that no, she did not like “Boys II Men,” and how she still can make an East Coast W.A.S.P. uncomfortable.
We also discover a how you, too, can go to an actual bathroom in the middle of a lake, play “Which is Whiter?” and find out what’s in Shaw’s Craw.
The biggest point of contention in all White Russian recipes is the balance of ingredients. After some experimentation, MixMa$ter Therm determined the 5-3-1 of vodka to Kahlua to cream seems to be the optimal combination. Fill a glass with ice, add the vodka and the Kahlua, stir affectionately, then add the cream on the top. Drink while imagining you’re as cool as anything that happened in The Big Lebowski.
THE MOJITO SHOW With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)
What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015? Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids! Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.
We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida. Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!
And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)
First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass. (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon. If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.) Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution. Repeat.
OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield Check Your Bucket – Eddie Bo Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna
All of these songs can be found on Amazon at The Army’s Drunk Music Store!
(So hey, music lawyers, please don’t give us a take-down order.)
THE SAZERAC SHOW With Ian McEwan
(“The Drunken Scientist”)
“Ask a Drunken Scientist!” That’s what we wanted to do. Don’t ask us why, because we have no reasonable explanation, but fortunately for us, we found Ian McEwan, and after a few cocktails he was willing to answer all of our questions from quantum theory to climate-change deniers to whether the U.S.S. Enterprise could beat up an Imperial Star Destroyer.
We also get into the history of the Sazerac cocktail, a sweet-and-herbal rye concoction invented in 1800s New Orleans ostensibly as a way for a local pharmacist to sell his bitters. (Man, have we really gotten that cynical?) If you ever wondered how Peycahud’s bitters got their start, listen up here.
About 1/2 oz Absinthe — or Herbsaint — to rinse the glass.
Lemon peel for garnish.
Ice
Tradition has it the Sazerac is created in two old-fashioned glasses. Chill one glass by filling it with ice. In the other, mash the sugar cube up with a few dashes of bitters (or just use simple syrup if mashing doesn’t agree with you.) Add the rye stir. In the other glass, get rid of the ice and give it a rinse of absinthe. Herbsaint will work if you can’t find absinthe, though let’s face it, if you can get your hands on Herbsaint, you can probably find absinthe with no trouble. Pour the rye mixture into the glass and add ice. Garnish with a lemon peel. Serve. Drink. Repeat.
By the way, when choosing a rye, you do not need to use the “official” Sazerac brand rye. Any smooth rye will do, or even an angry rye if you’re in the mood.
Original Brandy Sazerac Variant
The Sazerac was originally made with brandy, so it’s can be a fun experiment to mix one up using the classic wine spirit instead of rye. If you do, halve the amount of sugar or simple syrup you use, because brandy is sweet enough as it is. Serve with a sense of historical smugness.
THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW With Jhonen Vasquez
(Extended Cut)
Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought. Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix. Seriously. So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States. In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.
Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series. We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum. (NSFW as always. And really not safe for kids.)
We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente. The secret: NO GRENADINE!
MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:
2 parts white rum. (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
1/2 part orange curacao.
Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all. Drink while you oppress the common people.
Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth! It goes bad.
But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:
2 parts white rum.
2 parts dry vermouth.
1/2 part orange curacao.
Dash of grenadine.
Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would. Pour in glass. Drink. Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.
Short: 1970s – The Harvey Wallbanger with the full Army of Drunks
Return with us to the 1970s — an era of bell-bottoms, key parties, and generally terribly cocktails — to discover the Harvey Wallbanger, the most refreshing summer drink with the most fictionalized history in all of bartending. The Army of Drunks asks the burning question: How can a cocktail made of so many lies take so damn delicious?
We also delve into the cocktail’s inherent dichotomy: Is Wallbanger is a girlie drink or a manly drink? And play along at home as Eric challenges everyone to “Real Cocktail or Real Canadian?” (Note: We clearly lost track of the score. Sorry about that. We were drunk.)
1/2 oz (1 part) Galliano (a.k.a. Liquore Galliano L’Autentico, if you want to be that way.)
Stir the vodka, orange juice and ice in a highball glass. Float the Galliano on the top. Garnish with an orange slice and serve outside on the lawn.
(Optional: Place all car keys in a bowl. Blindly draw a set of keys from said bowl. Match the keys with the car-owner. Have awkward “swinging” sex with that person.)
FOR HISTORICAL REFERENCE: AN ORIGINAL “HARVEY WALLBANGER” SALES POSTER
(See what me mean about “Meth-Head Ziggy?”)
AND GRAB YOUR STRANGELY-UNRELATED WALLBANGER MERCH NOW!
Short: 1960s – The Rusty Nail with Katie Massa and Björk*
*The Icelandic bark liqueur Björk, not the Icelandic elfin singer Björk.
“Drink-a-Decade” enters the 60s with the Rusty Nail, a drink popularized by the Rat Pack and the best use of Drambuie since getting your grandmother to pass out at Christmas. We explore the history of a cocktail with its roots in British Industry, but which never caught on until — surprise, surprise — a big-time liquor company got behind it.
Is it too sweet or just sweet enough? Fortunately MixMa$ter Therm ran extensive experiments to find the optimal Rusty Nail scotch-to-Drambuie ratio, and we pass that hard-won information on to you.
We also sample Björk, the Icelandic bark-based liqueur that has nothing to do with the singer, honestly, but comes with a stick in every bottle, and play “Name That Sex Act” with Rusty Nails. (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Rusty Nail – MixMa$ter Therm Ratio
5 parts scotch
2 parts Drambuie liqueur
There seems to be no clear consensus on the ratio of scotch to Drambuie in a Rusty Nail, with some recipes calling for as high as 1-to-1. (And damn, is that disgustingly sweet.) Our experience is that 5 parts scotch to 2 parts Drambuie yields a cocktail that’s got enough of the sweet “delicious” factor without going too far over the line. However, if that’s still too sweet for you, a 4-to-1 mix might suit you better.
And as will all cocktails of the period, just mix everything in a glass with ice. It’s not that complicated.
Short: 1950s – The Black Russian with Katie Massa and The Municipal Bloodbank Players*
“Drink-a-Decade” enters the cold war with a cocktail created for the amabssador of Luxembourg. (Seriously.)
It’s the Black Russian, a drink so sweet and delicious you’ll forget it was born under the shadow of two great super-powers who hoped to destroy each other. Learn about the White Russian and other far-less-drinkable variations that you really don’t want to try. We also delve into the burning question of “Salve or ointment?” and also reveal where the hell Spork has been hiding all this time. (Spoiler: It’s all about the Coachella Hippos.) And we play “Black Russian, Bond Villain or Porn Star!”
*The Municipal Bloodbank Players do not actually appear in this show.
Mix everything in a glass with ice and stir gently. Really, it’s that simple. And to make a White Russian, just add 3 parts half-and-half. (Or commercial “Mocha Mix” if you want to go the full Lebowski.)
Short: 1940s – The Hurricane with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin
“Drink-a-Decade” pulls into your harbor with the cocktail that was given away free to sailors!
It’s the Hurricane! Drink yourself back to WWII-era New Orleans, when scotch was rare, and rum was flowing like seamen on shore-leave. Discover the fruity-as-fuck concoction that made drinking in the streets famous. We also discuss the New Jersey marschino cherrijuana bust. And Katie Massa vomits into Jason Berlin’s mouth like a momma bird* (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Hurricane Cocktail – The Army of Drunks version
Let’s start by saying there doesn’t seem to be any agreement on how this cocktail is made. Some recipes use passion fruit juice, others insist on passion fruit syrup (good luck finding that at your local Walmart). We started with the following recipe, but found that it was too damn sweet. MixMa$ter Therm modified it to exclude the simple syrup, and that’s what we settled on before we passed out. It’s a good-enough system for determining success.
2oz light rum
2oz dark tum
2oz passion fruit juice
1 oz orange juice
Juice of half a lime
1 tsp simple syrup (though we like it better without it.)
1 tsp grenadine
Orange slice and cherry for garnish
Ice
As usual, pour every last liquid thing in a cocktail shaker with ice and shake it like you mean it. Pour into a hurricane glass over ice. You do have a hurricane glass, don’t you?
NEED A HURRICANE GLASS?
MIXMA$TER THERM DRESSES FOR AUDIO!
Semi-authentic 40’s garb!
Short: 1930s – The Brown Derby with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin
“Drink-a-Decade” rolls on like a runaway freight train that only smashes a stalled-out schoolbus once every two weeks!
Drink your way back to the Golden Age of Hollywood with the Brown Derby, a delightful blend of whiskey, grapefruit and honey that was possibly invented by Douglas Fairbanks, but definitely made famous in a giant hat. Also, Jason Berlin spills the beans on his Evil Grandma Betty, and Katie Massa punches-out a raccoon!* (NSFW as always.)
1 oz Fresh grapefruit juice (or from a jar, if you must, but don’t used that sweetened stuff)
1/2 oz Honey syrup (like simple syrup, but with honey. 1 part honey, 1 part water, and hey, you can even make it on the fly if you’re that kind of lazy*)
Put all ingredients in a cocktail shaker. Shake. Pour into glass, martini-shaped or otherwise. Garnish with citrus peel of choice (except lime). Drink. Pretend you’re Douglas Fairbanks or Carole Lombard. Drink more. Become convinced you’re Douglas Fairbanks or Carole Lombard.
*But don’t be that kind of lazy. It’s embarrassing.
DRUNK BOOK ALERT!
Once again, we referenced the Savoy Cocktail book in our show. If you don’t own it, you should buy it now. That’s an order.
And MixMa$ter Therm Goes All-30’s and Gets Dressed-Up for Radio! Which is more dedication than you ever showed.
Finally, a Depressing Photo of Brown Derby Plaza
And a link to the Yelp review of their apparently-shitty valet parking.
Short: 1920s – The Bee’s Knees
with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin
It’s “Drink-a-Decade,” which is as catchy as we can pull off when we’ve had a few. The Army of Drunks is profiling one cocktail to represent the spirit of each decade, and we’re starting with Prohibition. Enjoy the 1920’s-era Bee’s Knees, the cocktail so delightfully sweet it can mask even the most formaldehyde-laden bathtub gin. (But we suggest something botanical.) Buck and Vanessa are on break, so welcome Katie Massa and Jason Berlin, who can tell you all about evil grandmas and getting arrested while wearing Daisy Dukes. (NSFW as always.)
2 oz Gin (Dry gin is more historically accurate, but botanical gin works like magic.)
3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
3/4 oz honey simple syrup (one part honey, one part water)
Lemon twist to garnish
First, choose your gin. Yes, a dry gin is more historically accurate, but a more modern botanical gin mixes really well with the honey. (And face it, if you really wanted to be historically accurate you’d use bathtub gin mixed with formaldehyde.) Then make some honey simple syrup the same way you make regular simple syrup, but with honey. (We know that’s complicated, but breathe through it.) Then squeeze a lemon, because anyone using store-bought lemon juice is a bounder and a cad. Mix all the liquid ingredients in a shaker. Shake like the cops are busting down the door. Pour into your glass of choice (a martini glass works nicely), add the lemon twist and enjoy.
What’s the difference between a Blue Hawaii and a Blue Hawaiian? Not much! But the difference could save your life!!* Listen as the Army dives face-first into the drink that arguably started Tiki culture in America. Also, we once again thank the good people of Florida for Booze News! No guest in this archive show, just the Army of Drunks getting loaded for the good of our country.
*This difference will probably not save your life.
1 oz. Sweet & Sour Mix (Making your own is better, and not that hard.)
A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and one of those tiny umbrellas. (If you want to do it right.)
Combine all the liquid ingredients (not the fruit and the umbrella, asshat) in a cocktail shaker, or blend in a blender (or anything else that blends) with ice. Serve in an appropriately Tiki-like glass. Stab the fruit with the umbrella and garnish. Drink. Think of simpler times.
And the Blue Hawaiian Cocktail
3/4 oz. Light Rum
3/4 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
3 oz. Pineapple Juice
1 oz. Cream of Coconut
A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and one of those tiny umbrellas. (Seriously, do we have to explain this?)
Spend a long time in the grocery store looking for cream of coconut, until you remember it’s not coconut milk. Combine all the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker, or blend in a blender with ice. Pour in a Tiki glass. Add the garnish. Remark on how much more dessert-like it is than the other drink.
And the Army of Drunks original Blue Hawaiish™ Cocktail
3/4 oz. Light Rum
3/4 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
3 oz. Pineapple Juice
1/2 oz. Cream of Coconut
1/2 oz. Sweet & Sour Mix
A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and… blah blah blah…
Combine all the ingredients in a thingie. Pour into mouth-hole. Strum ukulele.
THE COSMOPOLITAN SHOW
With Jackie Monahan
and Special Guest-Spork Katie Massa
In honor of both Valentine’s Day and Lincoln’s Birthday, we investigate the Cosmopolitan cocktail, the drink made famous as the biggest “girlie” drink of the last decade. But is it more “gay” than “girlie?” And does that even matter to an evolved drunk such as yourself? We also sit down with comedienne Jackie Monahan, who tells us what it’s like to be a “lesbian comedian” who starts dating a guy. Plus, guest Spork Katie Massa, pantsless booze news, and Shaw has the conch!* (Very NSFW, very LGBT-friendly!)
1 1/2 ozvodka (or vodka citron, or your own citrus- infused vodka if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 ozRose’s® lime juice (or fresh-squeezed lime juice if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 ozcranberry juice (or unfiltered cranberry juice plus simple syrup if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
1/2 oz triple sec (or Contreau if you’re MixMa$ter Therm, or you weren’t raised behind a free clinic)
Put all ingredients in a shaker. Shake like you mean it. Pour into a martini glass. Garnish with lemon slice or orange slice. Pretend “Sex in the City” is still on the air.
Does gin make a man mean? Find out as we join public radio host Rico Gagliano of The Dinner Party Download and discover the Aviation Cocktail, a drink so smooth, yet so incendiary. Also, we discuss the worst interviewee in rock and roll, Spork’s Magic 8-Ball trip, and why cake pops can fuck off. Also, Eric says some embarrassing things about the Serial podcast. (Sorry, Sarah Koenig. Nothing but respect.) (NSFW as always.)
Put all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake like you mean it. Pour into a martini glass and garnish with a Luxardo cherry. (Points off for using the maraschino.) Adjust the lemon juice to taste.
Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today. We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.
2 oz. bourbon or rye. (Or a mix. We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
1 sugar cube. (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
Angostura bitters
Orange slice and/or peel
One non-marchino cherry (optional)
Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters. (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.) Muddle it. Pour in the booze. Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry. DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT! Serve like you mean it.
MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
Learn about the history of Christmas’ biggest egg-and-dairy-based alcoholic tradition, and why some folks like to leave their nog out before they get their nog on. Comedian Derek Jones tells us about Los Angeles’ biggest Ugly Sweater Party, and how a Moose takes a mistress. Also, we play “Name That Sex Act” holiday edition, and find out What’s in Shaw’s Craw!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
THE ARMY OF DRUNKS EGGNOG TROUGH
(A recipe bastardized from Alton Brown and Martha Stewart.) NOTE: This recipe can be cut in half, or a third, if you just don’t have enough friends to consume it all, and if you’re a fan of our podcast, you probably don’t.
12 egg yolks
1 cup, plus 3 tablespoons sugar
1 & 1/2 quarts whole milk
3 cups heavy cream
1 tablespoon freshly grated nutmeg
12 egg whites (to save for servin’ time)
1 cup bourbon
1/2 cup dark rum
1/2 cup brandy or congnac
DIRECTIONS
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until it is completely dissolved. Add the milk, cream, booze and nutmeg and stir to combine. Then let age for six months if you have time, maybe overnight if you don’t.
When it comes time to serve the glorious nog, place the egg whites in the bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Whisk the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve. (Though you should have chilled it *way* before now. If you aged your eggnog by leaving it by the fireplace, start over.)
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S EGGNOG RECIPE “One quart cream, one quart milk, one dozen tablespoons sugar, one pint brandy, 1/2 pint rye whiskey, 1/2 pint Jamaica rum, 1/4 pint sherry—mix liquor first, then separate yolks and whites of eggs, add sugar to beaten yolks, mix well. Add milk and cream, slowly beating. Beat whites of eggs until stiff and fold slowly into mixture. Let set in cool place for several days. Taste frequently.” Historians believe he used a dozen eggs. Why? Because freedom.
THE ARMY OF DRUNKS SHO(r)T – BITTERS (the first) With Taylor and Jeremy from Bitter Tears.
We’ll be back with a full show next week, but in the mean time learn all about bitters — and bitterness — with Taylor and Jeremy from Bitter Tears as we get drunk on the “Pork and Beans” cocktail, unearth Taylor’s Aunt’s torrid affair with Charles Bukowski, and learn that little ice cubes are for punk-ass chumps. (NSFW, as usual)
PREPARATION
Combine bourbon, coffee liqueur and bitters in a mixing glass half filled with ice. Gently stir until chilled and properly diluted, about 20 seconds. Julep train into a chilled coupe or cocktail glass. Drink while thinking of what might have been.
Ladies and gentlemen, our first episode is now officially launched!
THE ARMY OF DRUNKS Long Island Iced Tea Show with guests Mike O’Connell and Moshe Kasher
Join the Army of Drunks as we get into the history of the most shamefully boozy cocktails of either the 1970’s or the Prohibition era, depending on who you believe. Guest comedians Mike O’Connell and Moshe Kasher discuss the art of stand-up comedy, and play “Drunk Comic vs. Sober Comic.”
Click on the player below! (That hopefully loads right, or we’re gonna kill Libsyn.)
Your privacy will be respected. You will receive no unwanted e-mails. Your nude photos will not be leaked.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
THE LONG ISLAND ICED TEA
1.5 cl Tequila
1.5 cl Vodka
1.5 cl White rum
1.5 cl Triple sec
1.5 cl Gin
2.5 cl Lemon juice
3.0 cl Gomme Syrup
1 dash of Cola
PREPARATION
Add all ingredients into highball glass filled with ice. Stir gently. Garnish with lemon spiral. Serve with straw. Consume with shame.
Pick up Moshe Kasher’s Book and Mike O’Connell’s albums on Amazon:
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018
THE WHISKEY SPECIAL
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW
THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile. Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove. (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan. NO STINKIN’ OIL!)
THE SAZERAC SHOW
Short: 1930s – The Brown Derby
