LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS Politics, Lime Juice, and Boy George’s Beard
with Brian Doherty
The Feelings Experiment Continues as Buck and Brian Doherty (senior editor at Reason Magazine) get into some drunken palaver on the state of politics in the internet age. Can we ever have an adult conversation again when debate has become a cage-match for internet trolls?
We also get a little deeper into Rose’s Lime Juice. Because you love that shit! And we ask some very deep questions about Boy George’s Beard.
Also: Name That Sex Act! Why? Because… you love that shit!
THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH (a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016 with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz
Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself? SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire. (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)
Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic. Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician! And once again, our trusty improv musical guests Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along. We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause! Merry Christmas! Or listen directly here!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)
3/4 cup sugar
2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
5 cups hot water (or black tea)
Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.
OK, pay attention here. Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar. Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil. (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”) And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire. (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.) Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out. Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons. (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you? God, you’re an idiot. Fish them out of the trash or start over.) Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be. If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg. If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.
Serves about 6, we think.
HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER! (Which we lifted from the NPR website.)
TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour. Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste. The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity. – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic! You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood. She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.
Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.
O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)
O come all ye a-holes Joyless and pedantic O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.
Come [unintelligible] For the [unintelligible] O come let us abhor him, O come let us backdoor him, O come ye [unintelligible] Christ, I’m bored!
HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!
AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE… Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing. IMG_1574.MOV
We should migrate to SquareSpace. We really should.
SUMMER TIKI SPECIAL 2016
Featuring the Mai Tai and Singapore Sling With Comedian Katie Massa Subscribe on iTunes here!
It’s August! What better time for lounging by the pool and getting drunk as a Hawaiian sunset? We’ve been away for a while, but before this long hot summer passes into misty memory, the Drunks have brought you an extra special, extra-extended parade of TIKI, damn it!
We plumb the Pacific depths of the only genre of cocktails spawned from a theme restaurant. Learn how Don the Beachcomber unwittingly founded the Tiki movement in pre-WWII California, and how competitor Trader Vic took it nation-wide from — believe it nor not — Oakland. Then learn the history of the MAI TAI, the flagship tiki cocktail, and the SINGAPORE SLING, an outside-the-Polynesian-triangle addition to the tiki pantheon.
Matt Shaw also tells us about his distillery tour of Scotland. Yes, someone let Matt Shaw loose in the land where they make scotch. Katie Massa tells us how People are Horrible™. Buck expounds on what it means to get “Tiki Drunk.” We solve the urgent riddle of Zsa Zsa Gabor: alive or dead? And we play “Name That Sex Act: Trump Edition.” (NSFW as always.)
BUT FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS! THIS GODDAMN BOOK!
Before we go too far, this is the flat-out amazing Tiki book we referenced during the show, Smuggler’s Cove by Martin Cate and Rebecca Cate. It goes deep into the kelp on the true origins of all the Polynesian cocktails you sort-of know and think you probably would love if you could only try one. It also contains the ORIGINAL MAI TAI recipe we tried. (We’d post it here, but we don’t want to deny Martin & Rebecca their hard-earned book royalties.) If you love Tiki as much as you love life itself, or even slightly less, go buy it right now!
And if you need your bad self some good Tiki mugs, we used this plucky little set.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Mai Tai!
1 oz (2 tablespoons) dark rum
1 oz (2 tablespoons) amber rum
2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
1/2 oz (1 tablespoon) Cointreau (or triple sec or Curaçao)
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
1 teaspoon orgeat syrup (or 1 drop pure almond extract)
1 teaspoon superfine granulated sugar
Dash of grenadine
Garnish: an orange slice, or Lime rind and mint sprig
Shake all of the ingredients with ice, pour into a highball glass with a straw. Or a tiki glass, or a Tiki mug if you want to go full-Tiki.
Note: Martin Cate suggests you add the juice of half a fresh lime after the pour, to keep it from over-liming the whole drink. YMMV. There’s also some debate over the proper garnish. Apparently the classic Mai Tai uses a mint sprig with the lime rind, while the more modern Tiki-slinger can go with an orange slice, or any of the usual Tiki umbrella/fruit combos.
DRINK MORE AT HOME!
The Singapore Sling!
1 1⁄2 ounces gin
1⁄2 ounce cherry heering
1⁄4 ounce Cointreau liqueur
1⁄4 ounce benedictine
4 ounces pineapple juice
1⁄2 ounce lime juice
1⁄3 ounce grenadine
1 dash bitters
Shake all ingredients in a shaker with shakable ice. Strain into a highball glass or Tiki mug. Garnish with whatever festive Tiki regalia you have at your disposal. (But anything involving pineapple never hurts.)
THE BOURBON & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SHOW With Linda Williamson
Writer for L.A. Weekly, L.A. Times & L.A. Magazine
NSFW. NSFW! Oh, and NSFW!!
We thought this would be a good idea. We had no idea it would end the way it did.
Bourbon and Girl Scout cookies. Who would think to pair them? Well, everyone after that little article from the Bourbon Review website went viral. The difference between us and your questionable friends who posted it on Facebook is that we actually tried it! We soon discovered half the bourbons the article recommended were either impossible to find or astronomically priced, so we made a few substitutions of our own to make the boozy picnic possible. Then we invited writer Linda Williamson — author of the L.A. Weekly article “Girl Scout Cookies: Sugar, God & Questionable Math Skills” — to bring her own unique opinions about Thin Mints.
That part went all right. Delightful, even. It was what came late that we have to apologize for. We are very, very sorry for how the show wound up, and we promise to never, ever do it again. Really. (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Here are the bourbon & cookie pairings we tried:
Thin Mints & Basil Hayden’s
Peanut Butter Sandwiches* & Johnny Drum by Willet
Shortbreads & Maker’s 46**
Samoas / Carmel Delites & Russel’s Reserve***
* This is supposed to be paired with Peanut Butter Patties, not sandwiches, but our Girl Scout screwed up. Honestly, it would have worked much better with the proper cookie. We blame ourselves, but only because it looks bad to blame Girl Scouts for anything.
** The Bourbon Review recommended Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year Old for this pairing. Simply clicking that link will explain why we didn’t use it. (Yeah, it must be great being a bourbon review site and getting $2,500 bottles of out-of-circulation whiskey for free.) We substitued the Maker’s 46 because of its oaky flavor.
*** The Bourbon Review paired this with Angel’s Envy Rye. It’s rare, and the local liquor store was asking about $200 for a bottle of it. We substituted Russel’s Reserve for its sweet overtones. It’s a durn fine bourbon for the price.
SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN?
All of the pairings were interesting, some were a little more desserty than others, but the biggest straight-up home-run was Russel’s Reserve and Samoas. We’d recommend that to you or any Girl Scout who grew up and got sassy. Shortbreads and Maker’s 46 also made a nice combination for someone who’s feeling more refined about their booze-and-cookie habit.
We also discovered that dunking Thin Mints in Maker’s 46 is embarrassingly delicious. The mint puts you in the mind of the bourbon and mint combination of a mint julep, and the chocolate cools out the heat of the Maker’s, while reminding you that you’re a goddamn grown-up drinking expensive bourbon with a six-year-old’s favorite milk-time treat. What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t let any serious bourbon aficionado catch you doing it. (Though, really, you can’t run your life by what aficionados think. Seriously, are you gonna let an aficionado push you around?)
Short: 1960s – The Rusty Nail with Katie Massa and Björk*
*The Icelandic bark liqueur Björk, not the Icelandic elfin singer Björk.
“Drink-a-Decade” enters the 60s with the Rusty Nail, a drink popularized by the Rat Pack and the best use of Drambuie since getting your grandmother to pass out at Christmas. We explore the history of a cocktail with its roots in British Industry, but which never caught on until — surprise, surprise — a big-time liquor company got behind it.
Is it too sweet or just sweet enough? Fortunately MixMa$ter Therm ran extensive experiments to find the optimal Rusty Nail scotch-to-Drambuie ratio, and we pass that hard-won information on to you.
We also sample Björk, the Icelandic bark-based liqueur that has nothing to do with the singer, honestly, but comes with a stick in every bottle, and play “Name That Sex Act” with Rusty Nails. (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Rusty Nail – MixMa$ter Therm Ratio
5 parts scotch
2 parts Drambuie liqueur
There seems to be no clear consensus on the ratio of scotch to Drambuie in a Rusty Nail, with some recipes calling for as high as 1-to-1. (And damn, is that disgustingly sweet.) Our experience is that 5 parts scotch to 2 parts Drambuie yields a cocktail that’s got enough of the sweet “delicious” factor without going too far over the line. However, if that’s still too sweet for you, a 4-to-1 mix might suit you better.
And as will all cocktails of the period, just mix everything in a glass with ice. It’s not that complicated.
THE COSMOPOLITAN SHOW
With Jackie Monahan
and Special Guest-Spork Katie Massa
In honor of both Valentine’s Day and Lincoln’s Birthday, we investigate the Cosmopolitan cocktail, the drink made famous as the biggest “girlie” drink of the last decade. But is it more “gay” than “girlie?” And does that even matter to an evolved drunk such as yourself? We also sit down with comedienne Jackie Monahan, who tells us what it’s like to be a “lesbian comedian” who starts dating a guy. Plus, guest Spork Katie Massa, pantsless booze news, and Shaw has the conch!* (Very NSFW, very LGBT-friendly!)
Screw that fragile mama’s-boy Daniel Craig!* The drunks get loaded the original James Bond martini — the Vesper — made up by novelist Ian Fleming himself, and promise not to make a single lame-ass “shaken” or “stirred” joke. Then we talk with late-night comedy writer and comedienne Cece Pleasants about what it’s like to get cancelled, why some female comics turn gay, and the power of Arsenio’s finger. (NSFW, as always.)
*Daniel Craig could easily kick our collective ass, and we have nothing but respect for him and his body of work. He is also a great James Bond.
Measure all of the ingredients into a cocktail shaker with some ice and shake. Do not stir. (Anyone who insists that the only way to properly make a martini is by stirring it is an asshole and should be ignored.) Rinse a martini glass — or champagne goblet, as the novel specifies — with Lillet before pouring the drink and garnishing with lemon peel. Then imbibe, shoot nefarious henchman, dispense obvious witticism, bed impossible female.
“A dry martini,” [Bond] said. “One. In a deep champagne goblet.”
“Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?”
“Certainly, monsieur.” The barman seemed pleased with the idea.
“Gosh, that’s certainly a drink,” said Leiter.
Bond laughed. “When I’m…er…concentrating,” he explained, “I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made. I hate small portions of anything, particularly when they taste bad. This drink’s my own invention. I’m going to patent it when I can think of a good name.”
—Ian Fleming, Casino Royale, Chapter 7, “Rouge et Noir’