THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW – with The Performer Known as T.J.

with The Performer Known as T.J.
Former D!sney Costumed Character

“Who’s easier to kick in the nuts: Tigger or Captain Hook?”

Ever go to a big-time theme park and wonder just who the poor suffering bastard is inside the Tigger costume?  Well, now you can find out!

Meet T.J., a man who spent years as a character performer at D!sney World, and doesn’t mind talking about it.  (But we’re worried the Mouse might come after us, so we’re spelling it “D!sney,” just to fool the Googlers.  That Mouse plays hardball, man.)

Meanwhile, we get drunk on the Suffering Bastard cocktail, the hangover cure made so famous during WWII, that General Rommel himself wanted to invade Cairo to get one. *

*This is only sort-of true.

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The Suffering Bastard

  • 1 oz Gin
  • 1 oz Bourbon (or Brandy, depending on how old-school you’re feeling)
  • 1 tsp Fresh Lime Juice (or sweetened, depending on how sweet you’re feeling)
  • 2 dashes Angostura Bitters
  • Ginger Ale (or ginger beer, depending on how ginger you’re feeling)
  • Mint Leaves to garnish (or a cherry, or a lemon slice, depending on how garnished you’re feeling)

Combine the booze, the lime juice and the bitters in a cocktail shaker, and shake well with ice.  (Hey, put the ice in first, that’s how they usually do it.)   Strain into an ice-fulled highball or collins glass, and then top it off with ginger ale.  Mint leaves are the traditional garnish, but we like a cherry for the more tropical feel.  Look, garnish is a personal thing, like hats.

Bastard-creator Joe Scialom also went on to create two more drinks, the Dying Bastard and the Dead Bastard.  Each just contained greater combinations of alcohol.  We can’t vouch for them, but for historical and academic purposes, we present the recipes here as we found them.*  As with the Suffering, use a cocktail shaker, etc. etc.

The Dying Bastard

  • 1/2 ounce gin
  • 1/2 ounce bourbon
  • 1/2 ounce brandy
  • 1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
  • 4 ounces ginger beer
  • 2 dashes Angustora bitters

The Dead Bastard

  • 1/2 ounce gin
  • 1/2 ounce bourbon
  • 1/2 ounce brandy
  • 1/2 ounce rum (light)
  • 1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
  • 4 ounces ginger beer
  • 1 dash Angustora bitters

As for why the Dead Bastard takes it easy on the bitters, we have no idea.

*That is to say, with a Google search.

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THE PINK LADY SHOW – with “Alex X”

with “Alex X”
Anime/Sci-Fi Convention Organizer

“I’ve seen so much Gadget porn, you don’t even know.”

Nothing is bigger than comic “cons” right now.  Literally nothing!  Not the sun.  Not the expanding cluster of galaxies billions of light years across that contains the Milky Way.  NOTHING!

Join us as we take a peek behind the scenes of these amazing nerdapalloozas with “Alex X,” a semi-anonymous convention organizer who’s worked in cons for years.  Find out way more than you wanted to know about the big egos of B-celebrities, secret nerd* orgies, and what drives the mind of a Furry.  (Don’t be afraid.)

We also take a dive into the Pink Lady, the most unfairly-maligned “girlie drink” of the last century.  It’s shockingly delicious, and not cloying at all when you do it right.  (Entirely unlike “Pink Lady and Jeff,” the disturbing variety show from the late 70s.)

*And we mean the word with the most respect we can muster.  We’re all nerds here.

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MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Pink Lady Recipe

There are two commonly-found versions of the Pink Lady, one is a more modern version with cream, ours is based on the classic version.  Honestly, we think it’s better.  You trust us, don’t you?

  • 1.5 oz Gin
  • .5 oz Apple Jack
  • .5 oz Lemon juice
  • 2.5 tbs Egg white (or one egg white from a single egg)
  • 2 tsp Grenadine.  (4 dashes)
  • Cherry for garnishing purposes.

Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake with ice.  For a drink like this, it’s worth it to get some high-end grenadine.  Seriously, don’t use the cheap stuff if you can avoid it.  Pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a cherry.  (In this case, a maraschino is completely acceptable, but there’s no reason to hold back the Luxardos if you have them.)  Enjoy, while feeling gender-neutral!

And if you want to learn more about Grenadine, join our Patreon campaign for access to our Back Room of bonus material.

GRENADINE FOR SALE!  (a tiny fraction of your purchase will go to the Army production fund.)


Prepare to feel deeply uncomfortable.


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LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS – Politics, Lime Juice & Boy George’s Beard

Politics, Lime Juice, and Boy George’s Beard
with Brian Doherty

The Feelings Experiment Continues as Buck and Brian Doherty (senior editor at Reason Magazine) get into some drunken palaver on the state of politics in the internet age. Can we ever have an adult conversation again when debate has become a cage-match for internet trolls?

We also get a little deeper into Rose’s Lime Juice.  Because you love that shit!  And we ask some very deep questions about Boy George’s Beard.

Also: Name That Sex Act!  Why?  Because… you love that shit!


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Here’s a lovely little article Slate put out on the juice in question.



I mean, seriously, this is what we’re talking about.









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THE GIMLET SHOW – with Brian Doherty

with Brian Doherty
Senior Editor at Reason Magazine

It’s “Ask a Drunk Libertarian,” as we get loaded with Brian Doherty, author and senior editor at Reason Magazine. Hear Brian explain that even libertarians don’t take Ayn Rand all that seriously. WARNING: This one gets into an actual political conversation. (We’re shocked, too.) If that bothers you, just fast forward to “Randy, Rice, or Rooney” at the end.

We also find out the history of the Gimlet cocktail, and how it was created by a conspiracy of British sailors and lime juice merchants. Damn limeys.

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The Gimlet

MixMa$ter Therm was out of town for this one, so until he engineers the “perfect” version, we’re presenting you with two classic recipes.

“Classic” Gimlet

  • 5 parts gin
  • 1 part simple syrup
  • 1 part lime juice

Combine all the damn ingredients in a shaker.  Shake it.  Pour over ice.  It’s that simple.  You can also use Rose’s lime juice if you so choose.  It’s already sweetened, but also has some bitter “peel” flavor inherent, so it balances out.  There are some people who say stir the damn thing.  As far as we can tell, it doesn’t make a big difference in the drink overall, but there’s something about the supercooled shaken version that we enjoy.

Raymond Chandler’s “Long Goodbye” Gimlet

  • 2 parts gin
  • 1 part lime juice
  • 1 part simple syrup

This is exactly how the drink is described in Raymond Chandler’s “The Long Goodbye,” and apparently in the Savoy Cocktail Book as well.  Not exactly the ginniest of Gimlets, but it’s a fun historical oddity.  Shake it if you got it.


Here’s a link to Brian’s page at!

And pick up one of his books.  He’s got one of the best book’s on the history of Burning Man, ever.


And you want Rose’s Lime Juice?  We got the US and the UK versions!

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With Mortician Amber Carvaly
& Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden
& Guest Bartender James Slay
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Welcome to our Halloween show!  And how better to celebrate the season of spooks, costume parties, and candy comas than by plunging headlong into death!  Our guest is Amber Carvaly (Undertaking LA), a mortician with a mission to bring the funeral back into the hands of the bereaved and away from corporate casket-dealing bastards, and we get in deep conversation about death, dying, and whether you should be buried with your keno chips.

And our drink is the Corpse Reviver, versions number one and (the more common) number two, a class of drink as old as the 19th century, but brought into popularity by one man during prohibition.  We try both the old-school brandy-based beverage, and the more brunch-friendly gin-and-lemon version.   Which will revive a corpse faster?  You be the judge!

And with us again is special guest host Aydrea Walden, creator of The Oreo Experience blog, and guest bartender James Slay… Because Spork and Therm are dead!  (Alert Bela Lugosi.) (NSFW as always.)

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The Corpse Reviver no. 1 
(The olde-timey one.)

  • 2 parts Cognac
  • 1 part Calvados or Apple Brandy
  • 1 part Sweet Vermouth

Stir ingredients together with ice.  Pour into a cocktail glass, or if you’re appropriately schmancy, a coupe glass.  Administer to easy the hangover.

The Corpse Reviver no. 2
(The citrusy bunch-friendly one)

  • One part (or 3/4 oz) Gin
  • One part(or 3/4 oz) Cointreau or Curacoa
  • One part (or 3/4 oz) Lillet Blanc
  • One part (or, wait for it… 3/4 oz) Lemon Juice
  • One dash Absinthe

Strain all the ingredients together into a shaker with ice.  Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.  Drink.  And to quote Harry Craddock, inventor of the Corpse Reviver no. 2, “Four of these taken in quick succession will unrevive the corpse again.”


Amber Carvaly can be found at Undertaking L.A. and at the Order of the Good Death.

Aydrea Walden can be found at The Oreo Experience blog.

And James Slay can be found slinging drinks at Barbara’s at the Brewery, and his band The Capgun Holdups can be found in bars around Los Angeles.


The Savoy Cocktail book by Henry Craddock is an indispensable tome for all lovers of classic cocktails.  A direct reprint of the original 1930 volume, this book is home to the original recipe for the Corpse Revivers no. 1&2, as well as dozens of prohibition-era drinks.  Drink like you’re historic, man!

Amber Carvaly’s partner in crime at Undertaking L.A. is Caitlin Doughty, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and one of the foremost advocates for a more natural approach to caring for the dead.  Her book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes recounts her time working in a crematorium.  Damn, it’s fascinating.


copyright ©2016 Army of Drunks

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Featuring the Mai Tai and Singapore Sling
With Comedian Katie Massa
Subscribe on iTunes here!

It’s August!  What better time for lounging by the pool and getting drunk as a Hawaiian sunset?  We’ve been away for a while, but before this long hot summer passes into misty memory, the Drunks have brought you an extra special, extra-extended parade of TIKI, damn it!

We plumb the Pacific depths of the only genre of cocktails spawned from a theme restaurant.  Learn how Don the Beachcomber unwittingly founded the Tiki movement in pre-WWII California, and how competitor Trader Vic took it nation-wide from — believe it nor not — Oakland.   Then learn the history of the MAI TAI, the flagship tiki cocktail, and the SINGAPORE SLING, an outside-the-Polynesian-triangle addition to the tiki pantheon.

Matt Shaw also tells us about his distillery tour of Scotland.  Yes, someone let Matt Shaw loose in the land where they make scotch.  Katie Massa tells us how People are Horrible™. Buck expounds on what it means to get “Tiki Drunk.”   We solve the urgent riddle of Zsa Zsa Gabor: alive or dead? And we play “Name That Sex Act: Trump Edition.”  (NSFW as always.)

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Or listen directly here!

Before we go too far, this is the flat-out amazing Tiki book we referenced during the show, Smuggler’s Cove by Martin Cate and Rebecca Cate.  It goes deep into the kelp on the true origins of all the Polynesian cocktails you sort-of know and think you probably would love if you could only try one.   It also contains the ORIGINAL MAI TAI recipe we tried.  (We’d post it here, but we don’t want to deny Martin & Rebecca their hard-earned book royalties.)   If you love Tiki as much as you love life itself, or even slightly less, go buy it right now!

And if you need your bad self some good Tiki mugs, we used this plucky little set.

The Mai Tai!

  • 1 oz (2 tablespoons) dark rum
  • 1 oz (2 tablespoons) amber rum
  • 2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
  • 1/2 oz (1 tablespoon) Cointreau (or triple sec or Curaçao)
  • 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
  • 1 teaspoon orgeat syrup  (or 1 drop pure almond extract)
  • 1 teaspoon superfine granulated sugar
  • Dash of grenadine
  • Garnish: an orange slice, or Lime rind and mint sprig

Shake all of the ingredients with ice, pour into a highball glass with a straw.  Or a tiki glass, or a Tiki mug if you want to go full-Tiki.

Note: Martin Cate suggests you add the juice of half a fresh lime after the pour, to keep it from over-liming the whole drink.  YMMV.  There’s also some debate over the proper garnish.  Apparently the classic Mai Tai uses a mint sprig with the lime rind, while the more modern Tiki-slinger can go with an orange slice, or any of the usual Tiki umbrella/fruit combos.

The Singapore Sling!

  • 1 1⁄2 ounces gin
  • 1⁄2 ounce cherry heering
  • 1⁄4 ounce Cointreau liqueur
  • 1⁄4 ounce benedictine
  • 4 ounces pineapple juice
  • 1⁄2 ounce lime juice
  • 1⁄3 ounce grenadine
  • 1 dash bitters

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with shakable ice.  Strain into a highball glass or Tiki mug.  Garnish with whatever festive Tiki regalia you have at your disposal.  (But anything involving pineapple never hurts.)

From the Gentleman Callers of Los Angeles

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THE GIN AND TONIC SHOW – with the Coachella Hippos

AOD Gin and Tonic Show Slug_small_ IMG_1812THE GIN AND TONIC SHOW
With the Coachella Hippos: Vanessa Bonet and Derek Doublin

Summer is coming, and how better to beat back the heat and the malaria-infected mosquitos than with the classic Gin and Tonic?  We dive into the history of the cocktail that kept the British Empire alive and well and pointing guns at East Indians since the 1800s!   And we dive into the variants of botanical gin, tonic, and weird vegetation to stick in the glass.  We also talk with the creators of the strangest, most talked-about phenomenon at Coachella after Madonna’s bad-touch on Drake: The Hippo Corporate Headquarters.  Co-creators Derek Doublin and our own Vanessa “Spork” Bonet take you behind the scenes of the three-story office block populated by out-of-control Hippo businessmen.  Also, we play “Hippo or Axl Rose!”  Can you guess which one helicopters its feces?

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The Gin and Tonic

  • Gin – How much?  Less than the tonic.  (See below.)
  • Tonic Water – How much?  More than the gin.  (See below.)
  • Ice
  • Garnish (Lime, Cucumber, Basil leaf, etc.)

We won’t lie.  There seems to be no agreement on the exact ration of gin to tonic in a classic gin and tonic cocktail.  Some suggest 2 oz. gin to 5 oz. tonic water.  Others say 3 oz. gin to 4 oz. tonic water.  Some say just start with a highball glass, throw in some ice, pour in as much gin as you can handle, then fill the rest with tonic water and get on with the drinking.  MixMa$ter Therm settled on a 2:1 tonic:gin ratio, but in this rare case, his numbers aren’t strictly definitive.  We suggest playing around until you find what makes you happy, then enforcing that recipe on your friends.  If they don’t like it, they can make their own damn drinks.

However, like any highball cocktail, the directions are simple.  Start with the ice, add the booze, pour in the mixer and garnsih with the garnishable.  Stir if you feel like doing it right.

The biggest determining factor in the flavor of a gin and tonic are the ingredients.  Sure, the well gin and hose-delivered tonic water at your local bar is fine during happy hour, but if you want to really get into the drink, you should spend a little more time picking out your liquids.  Dry gins vs. botanical gins really affect the flavor, and these days you’re not stuck with just your cruddy supermarket tonic water.

You also don’t need to stick to the traditional lime garnish.  “Gin and Tonic” bars are popular in Europe, and they like to mix things up with cucumbers, mint leaves, even grapes.  (Why grapes?  We don’t know.  Maybe Europe knows something we don’t.)

Regardless, here are some variants we tried on the show:

  • Bombay Dry gin (a dry gin, obviously), Fever Tree tonic water (a more flavorful tonic), lime wedge.
  • Hendricks gin (a botanical gin), Q tonic water (a dry tonic water), cucumber spear.
  • Junipero gin (a botanical gin), Fever Tree bitter lemon, basil leaf.  (Really.)

By the way, here’s a Gin and Tonic list from a bar in Iceland.
Icelandic Gin and Tonic List
And amazon has this pretty nice Fever Tree sampler set if you’re interested in sticking your face in what Fever Tree has to offer.


If you missed Hippo Corporate HQ out at Coachella, here’s a whole pile of press!

And a few disturbing photos:
PHOTO: Timothy Norris, LA WeeklyPhoto: Jon AllowayHippo Party photo by Eric TrueheartHippo Gone WildDerek and Vanessa


hotel cecil for shirt article-2281485-182655DB000005DC-70_634x424

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Short: 1920s – THE BEE’S KNEES

AOD_Bees_Knees_Slug_small_IMG_0398Short: 1920s – The Bee’s Knees
with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin

It’s “Drink-a-Decade,” which is as catchy as we can pull off when we’ve had a few.  The Army of Drunks is profiling one cocktail to represent the spirit of each decade, and we’re starting with Prohibition.  Enjoy the 1920’s-era Bee’s Knees, the cocktail so delightfully sweet it can mask even the most formaldehyde-laden bathtub gin.  (But we suggest something botanical.)  Buck and Vanessa are on break, so welcome Katie Massa and Jason Berlin, who can tell you all about evil grandmas and getting arrested while wearing Daisy Dukes.  (NSFW as always.)

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The Bee’s Knees Cocktail

  • 2 oz  Gin (Dry gin is more historically accurate, but botanical gin works like magic.)
  • 3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
  • 3/4 oz honey simple syrup (one part honey, one part water)
  • Lemon twist to garnish

First, choose your gin.  Yes, a dry gin is more historically accurate, but a more modern botanical gin mixes really well with the honey.  (And face it, if you really wanted to be historically accurate you’d use bathtub gin mixed with formaldehyde.)  Then make some honey simple syrup the same way you make regular simple syrup, but with honey.  (We know that’s complicated, but breathe through it.)  Then squeeze a lemon, because anyone using store-bought lemon juice is a bounder and a cad.  Mix all the liquid ingredients in a shaker.  Shake like the cops are busting down the door.  Pour into your glass of choice (a martini glass works nicely), add the lemon twist and enjoy.

MixMa$ter Therm dresses for the decade.
therm bees knees 1920s small IMG_0362

And Buy Your Katie-Approved Daisy Dukes here!

Along with other fine products at our Drunkstore!


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