bourbon

THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW – with The Performer Known as T.J.

THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW
with The Performer Known as T.J.
Former D!sney Costumed Character

“Who’s easier to kick in the nuts: Tigger or Captain Hook?”

Ever go to a big-time theme park and wonder just who the poor suffering bastard is inside the Tigger costume?  Well, now you can find out!

Meet T.J., a man who spent years as a character performer at D!sney World, and doesn’t mind talking about it.  (But we’re worried the Mouse might come after us, so we’re spelling it “D!sney,” just to fool the Googlers.  That Mouse plays hardball, man.)

Meanwhile, we get drunk on the Suffering Bastard cocktail, the hangover cure made so famous during WWII, that General Rommel himself wanted to invade Cairo to get one. *

*This is only sort-of true.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Suffering Bastard

  • 1 oz Gin
  • 1 oz Bourbon (or Brandy, depending on how old-school you’re feeling)
  • 1 tsp Fresh Lime Juice (or sweetened, depending on how sweet you’re feeling)
  • 2 dashes Angostura Bitters
  • Ginger Ale (or ginger beer, depending on how ginger you’re feeling)
  • Mint Leaves to garnish (or a cherry, or a lemon slice, depending on how garnished you’re feeling)

Combine the booze, the lime juice and the bitters in a cocktail shaker, and shake well with ice.  (Hey, put the ice in first, that’s how they usually do it.)   Strain into an ice-fulled highball or collins glass, and then top it off with ginger ale.  Mint leaves are the traditional garnish, but we like a cherry for the more tropical feel.  Look, garnish is a personal thing, like hats.

Bastard-creator Joe Scialom also went on to create two more drinks, the Dying Bastard and the Dead Bastard.  Each just contained greater combinations of alcohol.  We can’t vouch for them, but for historical and academic purposes, we present the recipes here as we found them.*  As with the Suffering, use a cocktail shaker, etc. etc.

The Dying Bastard

  • 1/2 ounce gin
  • 1/2 ounce bourbon
  • 1/2 ounce brandy
  • 1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
  • 4 ounces ginger beer
  • 2 dashes Angustora bitters

The Dead Bastard

  • 1/2 ounce gin
  • 1/2 ounce bourbon
  • 1/2 ounce brandy
  • 1/2 ounce rum (light)
  • 1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
  • 4 ounces ginger beer
  • 1 dash Angustora bitters

As for why the Dead Bastard takes it easy on the bitters, we have no idea.

*That is to say, with a Google search.

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THE WHISKEY SPECIAL – with Alex MacKay

THE WHISKEY SPECIAL
with Alex MacKay
The Whiskey Genius

Summer is over, and it’s time to go back to school.  This is Whiskey 101, where our good friend and not-self-described “Whiskey Genius” Alex MacKay takes you on a tour of some of the major whiskies of the world.

It’s one of our longer shows, but by the time it’s done, you’ll have a better understanding of where the golden brown ambrosia* comes from, what’s the difference between scotch and bourbon, why you don’t want to drink Costco Canadian, and just which Batman is that whiskey you’re drinking.

Joining us also is comedy writer and friend of the show Aydrea Walden.  She’s good people.

Also, we cut a very long segment about how whiskey is made, but if you’d like to hear that, please join our Patreon campaign, and we’ll give you access to our Back Room of bonus material!

* Please remind us never to use the term “brown ambrosia” ever again.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!

Since there’s no cocktail this week, we thought we’d provide a list of all the whiskeys Alex brought for us to sample.  Note that most of these are available at your local BevMo, and you can even buy those tiny airplane bottles of some of them.  So keeping up with the drunks doesn’t have to cost you an arm and a leg.

Here’s a helpful chart to help you follow along on our journey up Whiskey Mountain.  Rather than using the usual descriptors of “taste” and “aroma,” we decided to describe the various boozes in terms of actors.  This quickly devolved into describing them in terms of Batmans.  (Yes, “Batmans” is the plural of “Batman.”  Look it up.)

 WHISKEY NAME COUNTRY WHICH ACTOR IS IT? WHICH BATMAN IS IT?
 Costco Canadian Canada Steven Segal George Clooney
 Nikka Coffey Japan Michelle Yeoh Adam West
 Redbreast 12 Year Ireland Kenneth Branagh Michael Keaton
 Johnny Walker Green Label Scotland David Tennant Kevin Conroy
(The Animated Series)
 Knob Creek Single Barrel America We forgot to name one,
but say Steve McQueen
Will Arnett
(Lego Batman)
 Ardbeg 10 Year Scotland Christian Bale Christian Bale

 

BONUS ROUND
Alex suggested a few other whiskies if you’re feeling adventurous.  Or even if you’re not.

  • Brook Laddie Scotch
  • Octomore Scotch
  • Maker’s Mark 46 Cask Strength
  • Seven Stills Chcoolate Oatmeal Stout & I.P.A.
  • Midelton Dair Ghaelach Irish
  • Jameson Unblended 13-Year

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
Check out Aydrea’s web series Black Girl in a Big Dress right here!

WANNA SEE SOME WHISKEY?

 

 

 

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LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS – Science, Vermouth & The Robot Uprising


LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS:
Science, Vermouth & The Robot Uprising
with Scientist Ian McEwan

Welcome to the Army’s newest experiment: “Let’s Talk About Feelings!”  A show where we get a little deeper and a little drunker into a topic of choice with our valued guest.  So let’s hear a little more on the future of science in America from scientist Ian McEwan.  (WARNING: What he has to say is way more interesting than what we have to say.)

OTHER WARNING: There are maybe fewer dick jokers per hour in this format.  Just roll with it.

We also get a little deeper into just what the hell is vermouth, anyway.  Do you care?  YES, YOU DO!

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AND OH YEAH, VERMOUTH!

Here’s a little piece from Cocktail God David Wondrich on the Wonders of Vermouth.  Read it, you lazy drunk bastard.
http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/drinks/a22162/why-the-aperitif-0513/

 

NOTE:
Ian wanted to correct a small fact.  It turns out sperm whales do sleep, they just do it in six-to-ten minute increments.

Photographer Captures Incredibly Rare Shot Of Sperm Whales SleepingDid you ever imagine the sperm whales sleeping? How would that look like..? If you still can’t picture that, then let the Swiss photographer Franco Banfi help you out.demilked.com

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THE MANHATTAN SHOW – with Ian McEwan

 

THE MANHATTAN SHOW
with Scientist Ian McEwan

It’s Season Three, you drunken bastards!  Put on your Celebratin’ Pants and get your Manhattan on as we play “Ask a Drunk Scientist” again with our good friend Ian McEwan.  Ian tackles the big questions about robot uprisings, those new planets we can’t get to, and how you can or cannot cross the galaxy in one lifetime.

We also get under the history of the Manhattan cocktail — a drink as illustrious as the city itself — and we don’t shy away from the tough philosophical question:  Dry or sweet?  Bourbon or rye?  What kind of vermouth?  Wait, there are different kinds of vermouth?

Yes, my child, yes there are.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Manhattan
(The MixMa$ter Therm “Perfect” Version)

  • 3 oz Rye Whiskey
  • 1 oz Dry Vermouth
  • 1/2 oz Sweet Vermouth
  • 6 Dashes of Angostura Bitters

The Manhattan is a drink that’s mostly as good as the base ingredients, so don’t chintz out on the whiskey if you can avoid it.  Some people swear that rye is the only proper whiskey for a Manhattan.  We trust these people, more or less, so go with rye and see how you like it.  David Wondrich also says higher proof whiskies make for better Manhattans than their lower-proof cousins.  We definitely trust David Wondrich.  You should also put some effort into the vermouth, but remember, open vermouth bottles go bad in a few days if you don’t refrigerate them, so pick up a half-bottle if you can.

As you’d expect, put all of the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice.  Traditionally, you stir the drink it with a cocktail stirrer.  Some say shaking adds foam, which you don’t want.  Others say if you’ve got foam, you’re using bad ingredients, and besides, shaking is cool.  Best to just go with the stirrer to avoid arguments.

Also traditionally, you should ideally chill the glass for half an hour in the freezer before serving.  Most people don’t really want to plan that far ahead, so just fill the glass with ice cubes and cold water while you’re mixing, then dump that out before you pour the drink.

Garnish with a Luxardo cherry.  Use of a maraschino is a crime punishable by forced exile from the Cocktail Kingdom.  Seriously, if you’ve got no Luxardos, use a lemon peel.

MANHATTAN VARIANTS
Unsurprisingly, there are as many variants of the Manhattans as there are similes to describe the number of variants of the Manhattan.  Some of them are:

  • SWEET MANHATTAN: Bourbon and sweet vermouth.
  • DRY MANHATTAN: Rye and dry vermouth.
  • “PERFECT” MANHATTAN: Rye and 1/2 dry and 1/2 sweet vermouth.
  • METROPOLITAN: Use Brandy instead of whiskey.
  • CUBAN MANHATTAN: The “Perfect” recipe, but substituting dark rum.

THE PLACE FOR SOME LINKS THAT WE’LL PROBABLY ADD TO AS PEOPLE ASK US TO ELABORATE ON STUFF

Here’s an article on that Faster-Than-Light Drive we were talking about.

And the NASA article on all those new planets!

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THE BOURBON & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SHOW – with Linda Williamson

 

AOD_Bourbon_and_Cookies_show_slug_SMALLTHE BOURBON & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SHOW
With Linda Williamson
Writer for L.A. Weekly, L.A. Times & L.A. Magazine

NSFW. NSFW! Oh, and NSFW!!
We thought this would be a good idea.  We had no idea it would end the way it did.

Bourbon and Girl Scout cookies.  Who would think to pair them? Well, everyone after that little article from the Bourbon Review website went viral.  The difference between us and your questionable friends who posted it on Facebook is that we actually tried it!   We soon discovered half the bourbons the article recommended were either impossible to find or astronomically priced, so we made a few substitutions of our own to make the boozy picnic possible.  Then we invited writer Linda Williamson — author of the L.A. Weekly article “Girl Scout Cookies: Sugar, God & Questionable Math Skills” — to bring her own unique opinions about Thin Mints.

That part went all right.  Delightful, even.  It was what came late that we have to apologize for.  We are very, very sorry for how the show wound up, and we promise to never, ever do it again. Really. (NSFW as always.)

Subsribe on iTunes here!

Or listen directly here!

READ THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE IN THE BOURBON REVIEW. 
http://www.gobourbon.com/bourbon-girl-scout-cookie-pairings/

AND HERE’S LINDA’S L.A. WEEKLY STORY “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES: SUGAR, GOD & QUESTIONABLE MATH SKILLS”
http://www.laweekly.com/restaurants/girl-scout-cookies-sugar-god-questionable-math-skills-2897127

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Here are the bourbon & cookie pairings we tried:

  • Thin Mints & Basil Hayden’s
  • Peanut Butter Sandwiches* & Johnny Drum by Willet
  • Shortbreads & Maker’s 46**
  • Samoas / Carmel Delites & Russel’s Reserve***

* This is supposed to be paired with Peanut Butter Patties, not sandwiches, but our Girl Scout screwed up. Honestly, it would have worked much better with the proper cookie.  We blame ourselves, but only because it looks bad to blame Girl Scouts for anything.

** The Bourbon Review recommended Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year Old for this pairing.  Simply clicking that link will explain why we didn’t use it.  (Yeah, it must be great being a bourbon review site and getting $2,500 bottles of out-of-circulation whiskey for free.)  We substitued the Maker’s 46 because of its oaky flavor.

*** The Bourbon Review paired this with Angel’s Envy Rye.  It’s rare, and the local liquor store was asking about $200 for a bottle of it.   We substituted Russel’s Reserve for its sweet overtones.  It’s a durn fine bourbon for the price.

MixMa$ter Therm has lined up the best thing to get mommy through that protracted Scout meeting.
MixMa$ter Therm has lined up the best thing to get mommy through that protracted Scout meeting.

SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN?
All of the pairings were interesting, some were a little more desserty than others, but the biggest straight-up home-run was Russel’s Reserve and Samoas.  We’d recommend that to you or any Girl Scout who grew up and got sassy.  Shortbreads and Maker’s 46 also made a nice combination for someone who’s feeling more refined about their booze-and-cookie habit.

We also discovered that dunking Thin Mints in Maker’s 46 is embarrassingly delicious.  The mint puts you in the mind of the bourbon and mint combination of a mint julep, and the chocolate cools out the heat of the Maker’s, while reminding you that you’re a goddamn grown-up drinking expensive bourbon with a six-year-old’s favorite milk-time treat.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Don’t let any serious bourbon aficionado catch you doing it.  (Though, really, you can’t run your life by what aficionados think.  Seriously, are you gonna let an aficionado push you around?)

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THE OLD FASHIONED SHOW HOLIDAY REDUX – with Johnny Amerika

AOD_Old Fashioned_Holiday Slug_smal_IMG_3740

OLD FASHIONED SHOW – HOLIDAY REDUX!

With Johnny Amerika

Holiday time is upon us, and as the Drunks gear up for Season Two, we regift a show from Season One, now with added fruitcakery!  MixMa$ter Therm tells you how to make your own Holiday Five-Actually-Seven-Spice Liqueur to give as a gift to the ones you claim to love!

Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today.  We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

 

MIXMA$TER THERM’S HOLIDAY FIVE-ACTUALLY-SEVEN-SPICE LIQUEUR!
Infusing liqueur is  a (sometimes) cheap and (always) easy way to create a gift that makes you look a like an artisan badass.  MixMa$ter Therm set out to concoct a booze based on the original “Chinese Five Spice” spice mix, and two extra spices later had a perfect Christmas liquor for getting loaded under the tree.  You will need:

  • 1 oz. cinnamon stick(s)
  • 1 oz. whole cloves
  • 1 oz. star anis
  • 1 oz. fennel seeds
  • 1 oz. black pepper corns
  • 1 oz. whole nutmeg
  • 1 oz. whole allspice
  • 1.75 liter bottle of vodka
  • Approximately 2 cups simple syrup (1 part sugar to 1 part water)

REGARDING THE SPICES – Yes, we suggest buying them whole, not ground.  It’s not the cheapest way to go, but you’ll have enough left over to make gallons of the stuff if you want.

Holiday Seven Spice Liqueur_small OriginalPhoto-470515979.008200Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile.  Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove.  (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan.  NO STINKIN’ OIL!)

Coax all of those spices into a big-ass bottle of vodka and let it sit for about three days.  Be sure to turn the bottle over a few times once or twice a day to keep them flavors mixin’!   When the three days are up, strain out all of the spice through a fine strainer or a loose coffee filter or the powers of your mind or something.  (And yeah, you’ll need a big bowl to dump all of this Christmas-tasting liquor into.)

Add simple syrup to taste, but we found a 1-to-4 syrup-to-vodka ratio worked quite well.  This would be about 2 cups of simple syrup for 1.75 liters of infused vodka.  Sip along the way to make sure you’ve done it right, and to make the time pass faster.

Pour your finished liqueur into smaller bottles, slap home-made labels on them that read “Annie’s Secret Christmas Cheer Elf Potion” or something equally f***ing adorable, and give them out to anyone you want to impress.  Sit back and reap the holiday benefits, or just get drunk on pure Christmas magic!

AND NOW FOR THE SHOW NOTES…

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Whiskey Old-Fashioned

  • 2 oz. bourbon or rye.  (Or a mix.  We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
  • 1 sugar cube.  (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
  • Angostura bitters
  • Orange slice and/or peel
  • One non-marchino cherry (optional)

Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters.  (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.)  Muddle it.  Pour in the booze.  Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry.  DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT!  Serve like you mean it.

MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
AOD_Therm_Eggnog_IMG_3737

Here’s Johnny’s  trebuchet commercial.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbG9i1oGPA

And the story of Marvin Heemeyer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvin_Heemeyer

 

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