March is the Irishest month, and we’re getting Irish just under the wire with this incredible survey of Irish whiskeys brought to us courtesy of friend of the show and “whisketarian” Alex McKay.
This diabolical batard brought us a selection of liquid Irish gold that spanned the gamut between low-end unaged Irish “moonshine” to a bottle of 21 year old Redbreast that will set your average citizen back about $350. And because we want you to come away with from our show with more than just the sound of other people drinking whiskey, we’ve once again rated them with our unique Army of Drunks whiskey system: What Actor is This Booze?
Oh, and, of course, What Batman is This Booze? Why? Because we’re immature overgrown gen-x geeks who should never be trusted with anything.
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
Oh, and along the way, we discover what’s in Shaw’s Remote Craw, find out something we really didn’t want to know about Irish whiskey legend John Jameson, and test your knowledge of Lucky Charms magic marshmallows.
A few bottles from the suitcase o’ booze Alex brought over.
And the Hurricane Revisited with The Army of Drunks
The Army of Drunks Vieux Carré Show
OK, so we didn’t get the show up until after Mardi Gras! Did you ever consider we got it up way early for next year’s Mardi Gras? Did you? Huh??
In any event, welcome to our Mardi Gras show, where we revisit the old Mardi Gras classic cocktail known as the Hurricane, and take a deep dive on “The New Orleans Manhattan,” the Vieux Carré cocktail. (Pronounce that VOO-CARee, like you’re old-timey Creole, not fancy-pants French.) We also give a little history of Fat Tuesday, talk about that whole beads-for-boobs thing, and let you in on New Orleans’ official “How to Get Arrested at Mardi Gras” list. So pay attention!
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
THE VIEUX CARRÉ
Vieux Carré (accidentally served with an orange twist instead of a lemon one, and we’re sorry)
This New Orleans take on a Manhattan variant has a semi-storied history in the French Quarter, with cognac stepping in to take a little weight of the rye’s shoulder’s. The Benedictine also gives it some nice herbal grace notes, like a lone violinist in a second-line jazz street parade. (That metaphor sucks, but you get the idea.)
Mixma$ter Therm dialed back the vermouth from the original recipe to make what we think is a damn nice little boozy brouhaha.
1 oz Rye
1 oz conganc (or VSOP brandy if you have to substitute)
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1 teaspoon Benedictine
2 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
Pour all ingredients into mixing glass with ice cubes. Stir well. Strain into a rocks glass with ice, or into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry, lemon twist, or both. (And yeah, that’s an orange peel in that photo. We can only say we’re sorry.)
And now we revisit…
THE HURRICANE
The Hurricane Cocktail
The Hurricane is an odd beast, one of those cocktails where the recipe varies depending on which bar you’re in, or what corner of the internet you’re searching. We’ve covered this one before with a pretty standard formulation, but this time we decided we’d pull the recipe from Rebecca & Martin Cate’s tiki bible Smuggler’s Cove. We were shocked that for the first time ever, a recipe Smuggler’s Cove didn’t taste like something we’d call “definitive.” Therm tweaked it a bit, and the results were rather pleasing, indeed.
Here’s the official Army of Drunks Hurricane:
2 oz dark rum (or 1.5 oz dark rum, 1/2 oz dark overproof rum)
1/2 oz orange juice
1/2 oz lemon juice
1 1/4 oz passion fruit syrup (which yes, you can actually buy online)
Shake the rums, passion fruit syrup, and juice with ice, then pour over ice in a traditional “hurricane glass” (though a highball glass will work, too.) Garnish with an orange wheel and a cherry.* Ideally you should use crushed ice, but no one will arrest you if you don’t. You can also batch mix this in a blender if you’re having a party.
*Tropical and Tiki drinks are the few instances where using a maraschino cherry won’t get you kicked out of the Army of Drunks with a dishonorable discharge.
LINKS
Um… Was I supposed to link something in here? Damn. In my drunken fervor I probably forgot to write it down. Please drop us an angry message if we’re missing something.
OR: We make cocktail recipes generated by ChatGPT and ask a drunk scientist to forgive us for our transgressions.
Welcome to our Artificial Intelligence show! (As opposed to the Natural Stupidity we usually practice.) A show so packed with big-brain content, we broke it in two parts.
Sponsored by Grisly’s Cosmic Black! Support small booze business and get yourself happily cosmic!
Part one: This is the part packed with the nutritious information your brain craves. Let’s start with “Everything You Know About A.I. is Probably Wrong,” and move forward from there. Our guest, returning “drunk scientist” Ian McEwan answers all of our inebriated newbie questions about A.I., ChatGPT, and whether we’re all gonna end up in a singularity.
Part two: This is the part packed with drunken bullshit. Ian had to get the hell out of Buck’s kitchen and go home, so we were left with our own drunks selves, two AI cocktails to go, and a lot of drunken rambling about… A.I.’s, cocktails, tiki bars, and just about everything else at some point. And we end with a good-time fun-time game-time ha-ha thing!
THE A.I. GENERATED COCKTAIL RECIPES
We asked ChatGPT to work up a cocktail recipe based on our names, with only a little guidance. A couple of them were clearly made by an intelligence that had never tasted liquor before. Fortunately, MixMa$ter Therm was there to make some adjustments in the places where the computer went off the rails. It’s like the cocktail equivalent of Midjourney’s six-fingered hands. The recipe alterations are presented in the recipes for clarity, and we’ve set Therm’s fixes as the defaults. Seriously, no reason not to start with the version that involved some human intervention, unless you seriously have a thing for six-fingered hands.
THE SHAW’S CRAW
An AI-generated image of the Shaw’s Craw Cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe called “Shaw’s Craw” that uses gin and has a bit of an “angry” kick.
• 2 oz of gin • 3/4 oz of fresh lime juice • 1/2 oz of simple syrup • 1/4 oz of green Chartreuse • 1/4 oz of Campari • 2 dashes of Angostura bitters • Lime wheel for garnish
Directions: In a shaker, combine gin, lime juice, simple syrup, green Chartreuse, Campari, and bitters. Add ice and shake well. Strain into a rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with a lime wheel.
Our verdict: Damn nice, indeed! It may not remind you of Matt Shaw, but it does remind you of his craw.
THE THERMAL EYE
An AI-generated image of the Thermal Eye cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe for a drink called the Thermal Eye, that is complex and has a “thermal” quality to it:
• 2 oz of mezcal • 1/4 oz absinthe (ChatGPT said 1/2 oz) • 1/2 oz of pineapple juice • 1/2 oz of honey syrup • 1/4 oz of lime juice • 1/2 oz of jalapeño simple syrup (ChatGPT said 1/4 oz) • 2 dashes of mole bitters • A slice of jalapeño for garnish
Directions: In a shaker, combine mezcal, absinthe, pineapple juice, honey syrup, lime juice, jalapeño simple syrup, and mole bitters. Add ice and shake well. Strain into a rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with a slice of jalapeño.
Our verdict: Also a damn nice drink with Therm’s adjustments. Sweet and spicy without being “hot.” It was essential to pull back on the absinthe, since a little of that stuff goes a very long way. Therm also bumped up the jalapeño syrup so the flavor had an actual presence.
THE SHAFT TAKES MANHATTAN
An AI-generated image of a Shaft Takes Manhattan cocktail
Ok, the original request got lost when we copied the text. We probably asked for a “complex” take on the Manhattan and the AI probably responded as it usually does, by adding green chartreuse and absinthe. This is the revised version.
“Sure, here’s a new recipe for a ‘Shaft Manhattan’ cocktail:”
• 2 oz Rye whiskey • 1/2 oz sweet vermouth • 1/4 oz maraschino liqueur • 1/4 oz Cynar • 2 dashes of orange bitters • Orange peel, for garnish
Directions: In a mixing glass, combine the rye whiskey, sweet vermouth, maraschino liqueur, Cynar and orange bitters. Fill the mixing glass with ice and stir until chilled. Strain the mixture into a chilled cocktail glass. Express the oil from an orange peel over the top of the drink and drop it in.
Our verdict: Yep, it tastes like a high-end Manhattan you might pay a lot for in a crafty cocktail bar. The Cynar and maraschino take the edge off the rye with the combination of Cybar’s complex bitterness and maraschino’s cherry sweetness. Shaft himself wondered if the flavor was just more pleasant than distinctive, but we wouldn’t throw it out of New York for eatin’ crackers.
THE BUCK DOWN
Yes, appropriately AI-generated image of a Buck Down cocktail
Request: A cocktail recipe called “The Buck Down” that contains bourbon and has a retrofuturist feel? (Yes, we said “retrofuturist.”)
• 2 oz bourbon • 1/2 oz coffee liqueur (ChatGPT says use cold brew coffee liqueur) • 1/4 oz honey syrup • 2 dashes of chocolate bitters • 1 dash of absinthe for garnish (ChatGPT said 1/4 oz absinthe)
Directions: In a mixing glass, combine bourbon, cold brew coffee liqueur, absinthe, honey syrup, and chocolate bitters. Add ice and stir until chilled. Strain into a glass. Garnish with a dash of absinthe. Enjoy your retro-futuristic cocktail, “The Buck Down”!
AI’s Notes: • For honey syrup, mix equal parts honey and hot water until the honey is dissolved • To give it a more retro-futuristic feel, you can serve it in a vintage glassware. (Oh yes it did. It hung the futurist feel on the glassware. Cheap cop-out, GPT.)
Our Verdict: Another real nice creation when you lose the absinthe. The coffee liqueur complements the bourbon and gives it a sweet richness. (We used classic Kaluha because it was what we could get our hands on, the AI recommends a cold brew coffee liqueur.) And ok, we admit just one dash of absinthe doesn’t hurt it one damn bit.
FINDING IAN MCEWAN
If you want to catch up with Ian, the best place to find him is on his Mastadon account. He says it’s…
You heard him all throughout the background of the show. At last, the images can be released! This is Floyd the bulldog, the finest creation ever to come out of the Jim Henson Creature Shop in its history.
Or We Spend The Holiday With Your Sad Self and Make the Best Christmas Mulled Wine Recipe on the Internet OR YOUR MONEY BACK! with the Army of Drunks
Here at Drunk Headquarters, we make one big assumption about our fans: If they’re the sort of person who likes our show, they’re probably the sort of person who spends Christmas alone in a dark apartment with the curtains drawn playing “Bad Santa” on a loop.
We realize this assumption probably unfair and inaccurate, but holding on to it is way easier than coming up with a new idea for a Christmas show every year.
So welcome once again to the Army of Drunks Christmas show, where we keep you company during that long lonely marathon of festivitude known as Christmas Day. O come, all ye A-holes!
First, MixMa$ter Therm has worked up an awesome Christmas mulled wine recipe.
MIXMA$TER THERM’S CHRISTMAS MULLED WINE
Unlike some drinks, this is very much a “to taste” thing. This is the recipe as used in the show, and is a good starting point. Depending on the wine itself, or your preference for various flavors, you may want to tweak it a bit.
MixMa$ter Therm’s Mulled Wine Pot
Written up for 750 ml of wine, can be doubled, tripled, etc as necessary.
1 bottle (750 ml) Shiraz/Syrah
3 Tbsp. white sugar
1 stick cinnamon
5 cloves
5 allspice berries
4 black peppercorns
Peel of 1 orange (no pith. A potato peeler is excellent for this)
Put all ingredients in non-reactive pot. Simmer for at least 30 minutes, stirring occasionally until the sugar is fully dissolved. An hour is better, as the spices will have more chance to blend. (A slow-cooker is excellent for this) Ladle into warmed mugs for serving.
GRISLY’S COSMIC FRUIT BOWL
It was supposed to be a Christmas fruit cake, but once again we left the Allspice Dram at home. Instead, try this really fruity fruitbowl with notes of fruit. (It’s really delicious, for real, with notes of… I was gonna say “fruit.”)
We forgot to take a picture of the Grisly’s Cosmic Fruit Bowl. This is what an AI thinks it looks like.
1 can Grisly’s Cosmic Black
1/2 oz Cherry Liqueur (e.g. Luxardo, Maraschino, Herring, etc.)
1/2 oz Orange Liqueur (e.g. Cointreau, Grand Marnier, triple sec, etc.)
1/2 oz Apricot Liqueur (e.g. Guiffard’s, Drillaud’s, or whatever you can find.)
Ice
Cherry and/or Orange Slice to garnish the thing.
Fill a glass with ice. Pour in the Grisly’s about 3/4 of the way up. Add the liqueurs (so the fruit flavor is on the top). Stir (so the fruit flavor at least tries to mix in). Top with a cherry and an orange slice. Drink yourself to fruit heaven!
THE GREAT TURKEY DINNER TASTE-OFF!
The four turkey dinners we tested: Lean Cuisine, Marie Callender’s, Banquet, and Angry-Man
If you’ve listened to the show, you know we taste-tested four frozen turkey dinners perfect for microwaving pathetically on a Christmas Day full of self-blame and regret. (Wow, that got kind of dark. Moving on…)
Here’s our rating system below:
NAME
TURKEY
STUFFING & POTATOES
GREEN BEANS
SPECIAL
RECOMMEND?
Lean Cuisine
Not Bad but Not Much
Sad Potato Wedges is All
Very Sad
Nothin’
Nobody loves it
Marie Callender’s
Allrightish
Mushy but OK
Also Sad
Nothin’
Nope
Banquet
Uncanny Weird
Wow! Really Good!
Peas!
Only $1.99
Buck and Matt say Yes
Angry-Man
A Little Thin But Good
A Tarty Paste
Happiest Beans in the Bunch
“Apple Dessert”
Shaft and Therm say Yes!
The Turkey Table
Our verdict: Buy the Angry-Man dinner, and for two bucks get a Banquet as well and just eat the sides.
O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (traditional)
O come all ye A-holes Joyless and pedantic O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem. Come and behold him For the King of A-Holes O come let us abhor him, O come let us backdoor him, O come let us Al Gore him Christ, I’m bored!
And, as always, Grisly’s Cosmic Black, the best damn bourbon and cola in a can! http://shop.grislyscosmic.com/ Use code ARMY22 at checkout to get 10% off!
Or How to Survive Thanksgiving With Your Crazy Right Wing Relatives and Learn the Three Best Cocktails for Thanksgiving@ With the Army of Drunks
Happy Turkeybloat to us all! And this can mean only one thing: Awkward moments around the dinner table with your Qanon-adjacent ranty right wing uncle/grandpa/dad/brother. As usual, the drunks have your back!
In this show, we give you all the counter-knowledge you need to clap back against those AON-soaked talking points. Including such topics as:
Litter Boxes in Schools for Cat-Identified Kids
California Letting 11 Million Illegal Immigrants Vote
Hunter Biden’s Laptop
The Flat Earth
And many* more!
(*OK, maybe a couple more.)
Remember our motto: “ALWAYS ASK THE SECOND QUESTION!”
Coffee brews backstage at MixMa$ter Therm’s booze lab
We also go over THE THREE BEST THANKSGIVING COCKTAILS with recipes, even! We’re that f*cking thorough!
The Sage Old Fashioned a.k.a. The Wise Man
Grisly’s Cosmic Cardigan
The Desperation Cocktail (don’t)
The Nutty Irishman
First is the SAGE OLD FASHIONED, also named THE WISE MAN by Therm a few days after the show when he finally came up with a good idea. Why wise? Because it’s got sage syrup! Get it? Sage? Look, it’s Thanksgiving, you’re going to have to endure a certain number of bad, dad-grade jokes.
THE SAGE OLD FASHIONED a.k.a. THE WISE MAN
We forgot to take a picture of the Sage Old Fashioned / Wise Man, so we had an AI make one for us.
First, you’ll need to make some sage syrup. It’s easy and doesn’t take long, so don’t be a turkey weenie about it, just buck up and make the stuff.
SAGE SYUP
1 cup sugar (or 2 cups if you want “rich syrup,” you decadent bastard.)
1 cup water
10 sage leaves
A jar or bottle to store it in
First, cut the stems off the sage leaves. They’re bitter bastards. Then combine the sugar, water, and sage leaves in a pot. Stir it slowly over low heat until the sugar is dissolved, then let it simmer on very low for about ten minutes more. Pour the syrup into a jar along with the sage. Let sit over night to let the sage infuse even more. Then test it. Sagey enough for you? Good! Then remove all the leaves but one — ‘cuz it looks cool — and get ready to use the stuff.
MIX THE SAGE OLD FASHIONED
2 oz bourbon
1/2 oz sage simple syrup
1 dash Angostura bitters
Sage leaf to garnish
Stir the bourbon, sage syrup, and bitters in a mixing glass with ice. Strain into a rocks glass with one large ie cube (if ya got one.) Garnish with a sage leaf. Bury face in mashed sweet potatoes.
THE NUTTY IRISHMAN
The Nutty Irishman is the perfect drink for after Thanksgiving dinner. The chemical tug-of-war provided by the coffee and the alcohol give you that “relaxed pep” you need when you still have hours to go before you can pour yourself into the car and escape the feast of family dysfunction.
And hey, if you like your family, then it’s just plain delicious
Therm’s Nutty Irishman
6-8* oz dark coffee,
1/2 oz Frangelico,
1/2 oz Bailey’s
Optional 1 oz Irish Whiskey*
Optional Whipped Cream
*You’ll probably wanna use that extra 2 oz of coffee if you add the whiskey.
Pour it all into a nice lookin’ glass. Then if you’re feeling MixMa$tery, add some whipped cream on the top. And if you’re feeling really MixMa$tery, whip that cream yourself and add a little Bailey’s to it before you do.
An IA rendition of the Grisly’s Cosmic Cardigan. Because yes, we forgot to take a picture again. We were drunk.
Fill a pint glass with ice, Pour in rum and allspice dram. Add a can of Grisly’s cosmic black. Garnish with orange peel. Sit by fire. Enjoy the warm glow of the 21st century.
Grisly’s Cosmic Black in its Natural Habitat
And oh yeah, here are some AI generated pictures of The Muddler, like we told you about. Why does the AI have him saying “DULLLBY?” Um… Uh… BEWARE THE MUDDLER! <muddle muddle muddle>
And, as always, Grisly’s Cosmic Black, the best damn bourbon and cola in a can! http://shop.grislyscosmic.com/ Use code ARMY22 at checkout to get 10% off!
The Autumnal A.F. 2022 Guide to California State Ballot Measures Show With Jason Berlin
“A vote is not a love letter. It’s a chess move toward the world you want to live in.”
Yes, drunken listeners, you’ve come to rely on us for your voting decisions, and you need to take a hard look at yourself for that.
Yes, it’s our annual guide to California State Ballot Measures. Jason Berlin of voter registration org Field Team 6 walks us through The Drinking Person’s vote.
And we have no fewer than three – THREE! – autumnal cocktails to keep your insides warm as the leaves fall on your liver.
– The Maple Bourbon Smash – The Cider Mimosa – Grisly’s Cosmic Sweater
So check it out and bring a pen to remember all this damn stuff!
AND HERE’S WHERE WE USED TO EMBED THE SHOW UNTIL WORDPRESS DECIDED TO SUCK EVEN HARDER AND LIBSYN STOOD BY AND WATCHED US BLEED OUT ON THE SIDEWALK. Just use the link here:
1/2 ounce pure maple syrup, preferably Grade A Dark Amber
1/2 ounce fresh orange juice
1/4 ounce fresh lemon juice
4 dashes of Angostura bitters
1/2 orange wheel
2 ounces bourbon
1 1/2 ounces chilled seltzer
Ice
In a rocks glass, combine the maple syrup with the orange juice, lemon juice and bitters. Add the orange wheel and lightly muddle. Add the bourbon and stir well. Fill the glass with ice and top with the chilled seltzer.
On a small plate, combine sugar and cinnamon. Dip champagne flutes in water to wet the rims, then dip in cinnamon sugar mixture. Fill champagne flutes 1/4 full with apple cider, then top off with champagne.
GRISLY’S COSMIC CARDIGAN (a.k.a. Grisly’s Cosmic Sweater, which we call it in the damn show)
Fill a pint glass with ice, Pour in rum and allspice dram. Add a can of Grisly’s cosmic black. Garnish with orange peel cut into the shape of a leaf or a sweater or something to give it “That Fall Feel.” (Yeah, we’ll put a damn photo up soon. We were drunk and forgot to take one.)
And, as always, Grisly’s Cosmic Black, the best damn bourbon and cola in a can! http://shop.grislyscosmic.com/ Use code ARMY22 at checkout to get 10% off!
The 2022 Shameless Burning Man Show With Andie Grace and Tabitha Hewitt.
Yes, this is the one where we taste-test the best drinks for Burning Man. So listen up, chump!
EVERYONE: “Hey assmonkeys, when are you going to put up the Burning Man 2022 show notes?”
US: “Jesus, at least two months after the event is over. Three if we really put our heads down and apply ourselves. Why?”
So just how many of our fans are Burning Man types? Well, from the comments we get, a lot more than those of you so-called “regular people” who stay at home on Labor Day weekend NOT telling us just how much you like us, even if how much is “not very.”
And since so many of our fans are Burners, we figured why not just lean into it and shameless;y do a show around that damn thing they do in the desert? And as a public service to all of our Burner fans, we’re taste-testing all of those weird desert cocktails you mix out there in the playa hoping against all reason that combining alcohol and electrolytes will magically keep the booze from dehydrating you along with the sauna-grade heat and sub-zero humidity.*
*So what if sub-zero humidity isn’t scientifically possible. We don’t care. If you’ve been there, you know what we’re talking about.
We also talk to two experienced BMorg official-type-people types to find out just what the hell is going on behind the scenes at Burning Man. Spoiler: None of it is about drug orgies, pagan rituals, or cops on molly.
But before that, let us shamelessly plug the one drink everyone loved: The Grisly’s Cosmic Float! (Full disclosure: Yes, this is the company one of us owns. Sorry.)
RECIPE: Crush the cookies into crumbs. Rim a large glass with caramel and dip it in a bowl of cookie crumbs to make it look all crumb-covered and stuff. Put a scoop of vanilla ice cream, then a big shot of caramel sauce, and pour in the Grisly’s Cosmic Black. Top it with whipped cream and a whole cookie, then drink it like a boss!
Or watch the video that wordpress won’t embed right here!
And now, onto the Playa Classics! NOTE: all drinks involve mixing in the same damn glass you’re going to drink the thing out of, in whatever ratio seems to make sense to you at the time.
The Eggnog Roulette Christmas Show 2021 With the Army of Drunks
Spending Christmas alone? If you’re a fan of our show, we’re just going to assume you are! But fear not, lonely drunken shut-in! You can spend Christmas with the Army of Drunks.
Our little festive foofarah is designed to give you the full Christmas Experience without ever leaving your home.
We start out by playing Eggnog Roulette, a most dangerous game where we mix eggnog with the most neglected leftover boozes you might have lurking in the back of your liquor cabinet. But it doesn’t stop there! We cover buying yourself a present off your old Amazon wish list — because who deserves it more than you? We also give you the awkward political dinner conversation, catch up on Laurie’s personal relationship with Donald Trump, as well as 2021 Name That Sex Act (a Christmas tradition in the AoD), and carol a rousing rendition of “O Come All Ye A-Holes.”
Oh, and also hear how Buck’s house got shot at, how Shaft’s Grisly’s Cosmic Black is going, and learn about MixMa$ter Therm’s barrel aging madness!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME Our Eggnog Roulette Results Table
Eggnog & Old Vermouth
BAD!
Eggnog & Old Brandy
GOOD!
Eggnog & Vodka & Kahula (The Nog Russian)
DECENT
Eggnog & Early Times Whiskey
LESS-THAN-LOVELY BUT DRINKABLE
Eggnog & Diplomatico Rum & Disaronno Italian Almond Liqueur
AWESOME!
Eggnog & Bols Creme de Menthe
NOT BAD
Eggnog & Rum & Trader Joe’s Coffee Creme Liqueur
UNIRONICALLY DRINKABLE
Eggnog & Tequila Almond Liqueur
NOT GOOD
Eggnog & Goldschlager
DAMN NICE!
CATCHING UP WITH LAURIE Or Matt’s Unintentional Text Relationship with Donald Trump’s Fund-Raising Committee
In case you’ve forgotten the backstory, Matt somehow ended up on Trump’s fundraising text list, his phone number typo-ed in by someone named Laurie. Now Trump won’t leave Laurie alone, and the dysfunctional family guilt-trip is being leveraged hard.
Check below for some actual Trump texts to Laurie!
“WOW. Don’t ignore Trump’s PERSONAL message, Laurie!”
As always, all of this stuff is copyright 2021 Army of Drunks.
You ever been so drunk that you thought it would be a good idea to start a booze company? It usually comes at the end of the night after you’ve already been through the terrible ideas of starting a ska band, going to back to school to become a jet pilot, and breaking into Marc Zuckerberg’s house dressed as Mayor McCheese… because that’ll teach him! Well one of us sobered up and actually did it. Start a booze company, that is, not the Mayor McCheese thing.
Sit back and get a look behind the distilled curtain as our boy Shaft regales us with the tale of “What I did on my pandemic vacation,” a.k.a. how he and his wife to be created Grisly’s Cosmic Black, a gourmet bourbon and cola cocktail in a can that’s unlike anything else out there. In fact, we taste test it against a home-made whiskey and coke. It’s a peek into the booze process from conception to execution that you won’t want to miss. Or maybe you will want to miss it. Honestly, we don’t pretend to know what’s going on in that messed-up head of yours.
We also learn about Matt Shaw’s illicit text relationship with the Trump campaign under an assumed name. It seems Donald’s not happy with “Laurie,” and the shame hammer is coming down hard.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME Well, obviously there’s no recipe here, but Grisly’s Cosmic Black can be shipped to just about anywhere in the country via this link here. (And yeah, shipping booze can be expensive, so just know that going in.)
A Grisly’s Cosmic Black gets the MixMa$ter Therm Treatment
ACTUAL TRUMP TEXTS TO “LAURIE“
Jesus, Laurie, just what is WRONG with you?You are letting Donnie down! I hope you’re proud of yourself and your Satan-felating ways.Last chance, Laurie! We’re not fucking around here. You don’t want us to put you in the Libtard#army Closet again, do you?
Finally, meet Floyd, the Star Wars creature who lives in Buck’s house
It’s the 2020 Drunk Guide to California State Ballot Measures — with friend of the show Josh Kamensky!
Are ballot measures funny? We did this four years ago, and nobody complained!
Hey California Voters — which, incidentally, is most of our fans — how’d you like a drunken, rambling, into-the-weeds-with-no-turning-back guide to all of those pesky ballot measures? If the answer is yes, YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! (If the answer is no, feel free to fuck right off.)
Friend of the show Josh Kamensky takes your tiny, frightened hand and leads you on a magical tour of every ballot measure staring us down this year. By the time we’re done, you’ll actually know what the hell you’re talking about when a friend asks that portentous question: “So… Yes on 16?”
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018 with Competitive Eater Doug Ecks
Yep. That’s how it’s spelled. Daiquiri. We looked it up.
It’s Summertime folks, and the drunks are back in town! In this episode, we’re enjoying a relaxing fruity beverage, trying not to think too much about the state of our democracy, and learning all about the fascinating world of competitive eating!
We’re joined by Doug Ecks, a man who can put away a frankly shocking amount of franks in a single sitting. We have so very many questions. By the end of this one, you’ll know a ton about Doug, Daiquiries, and damn little else.
AND WELCOME OUR NEW SPONSOR! 503 Distilling has a fantastic line cocktails in a can, for those times when you just don’t have the time, space, or gumption to mix your own damn drink. Between the Wicked Mule and the Blood Hound, they got your lazy drunken ways covered! Deliciously too, damn it!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME The Daiquiri
The classic daiquiri recipe is not that complicated. If you fuck it up, you’re not even competent enough to be drinking, much less drink-mixing. However, it never hurts to do the homework of squeezing your own limes and picking up a good rum for a change.*
2 oz light rum
1 oz fresh squeezed lime juice
1/2 oz simple syrup
Ice. Some say crushed.
First you need to chill your glass, because it’s hot in Cuba. Put some ice in it and set it aside, like any kindergarten-level bartender knows to do. Then put some ice in a cocktail shaker and throw in your ingredients. (Throw is a metaphor, here. Don’t throw any liquids unless you are secretly Avatar: The Last Booze-Bender and have supernatural control over cocktails. If this is the case, also please be training to battle the Lord of the Sober Nation.) Shake the mixture up good. Remove the ice from your glass and lovingly pour in the magic cocktail juice. Garnish with a lime wheel and enjoy. WE SAID ENJOY, YOU BASTARD!
NOTE: Some recipes call for you to use straight sugar instead of simple syrup. This is Next Level Shit™, and we don’t recommend you try it without a lot of practice first. The results can be uncomfortably granular and not nearly sweet enough.
We also tried a bastardized version of the New York Times’ Banana Daiquiri recipe. Bastardized in that Shaft forgot to buy orange juice so we just plum left it out. Still, it’s the best banana daiquiri we’ve ever had, and we used to frequent TGI Friday’s in our young, embarrassing years.
(By the way, the next time you hear Unhinged Chucklehead Donald Trump call the New York Times “failing,” point out to him that they’ve done a hell of a lot more to promote banana daiquiris in this country than he has. Then please kick him in the goolies for us, since you’ve obviously gotten close enough to talk to his bloated orange face.)
The Times’ recipe is:
2 ½ounces dark rum
2 ½ounces light rum
3ounces lime juice
2ounces orange juice (which we forgot and it turned out great anyway)
2large, very ripe, frozen bananas, sliced
1ounce simple syrup
2cups ice
Mix everything up in a blender. Pour it all in a glass. Throw fruit on top to make it look cute. Pour down chest. Pretend it’s spring break.
The Hemingway Daiquiri
The version Ernest made famous, also called “The Papa Doble,” because it needed twice the rum to satisfy a man of such massive manliness. Imbibe magazine’s Hemingway Daiquiri recipe is as good as you’ll find anywhere, so go check them out.
He’s also on Facebook if you really need to get a hold of him, but you can search for that. We’re not enabling any of you hotdog-stalkers.
STUFF YOU SHOULD BUY!
Once again, we brought up the Smuggler’s Cove book. If you don’t own it already, buy it through our Army of Drunks link and we’ll get to keep a few cents off the sale. Jeff Bezos is a god damn saint, isn’t he?
HOT BUTTERED RUM CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2017 with Rico Gagliano of The Dinner Party Download
and Andy Hermann, former music editor of the LA Weekly
“The Worst of 2017!”
Let’s face it, it’s been a shitty year. Mass shootings. Government lootings. Putin still pooting. Trump still doing crazed lying narcissist things that don’t rhyme with “ooting.” (Though we maybe could have stretched it to involve “#metoo-ing.”)
And if you live in L.A., you got to suffer sale of our longest-running independent newspaper to a bunch of douchebag lawyers from Orange County who fired the whole staff, then put out ads asking ,”Hey, who wants to work for free?”
What can make these holiday horror cookies go down easier? HOT BUTTERED RUM, of course! And we’ll tell you its damn not-that-storied history while we get loaded on it.
We also get the inside story of how the ugliness at the LA Weekly went down direct from Andy Hermann. Then we talk to former Dinner Party Download host Rico Gagliano about what it’s like to wrap-up a ten-year-old podcast without a single sexual harassment scandal.
Oh, and we all die on the side of a mountain. TRUE!
Usually we translate MixMa$ter Therm’s Beautiful Mind-style cocktail notes into something we all can understand, but in this case he’s spelled the whole process out for the ape-like laymen we are. Here are his notes, verbatim.
Hot Buttered Rum:
2 TBSP batter (below)
2 oz dark rum
4 oz boiling water
Put batter in bottom of mug or glass. Pour in half of the boiling water and stir to incorporate batter. Add rum and rest of water.
– Alt method – Put water and rum in glass, then top with batter. (we can try both during the show, if I don’t get to trying them both first and picking a winner)
HBR Batter – Classic:
1 stick (4 oz) butter*, room temperature
8oz brown sugar
1 1/2 TBSP Pumpkin Pie Spice (store-bought, or make your own)
Cream butter and sugar together**. Add and mix-in spices. Store in refrigerator.
HBR Batter – Therm special Edition:
As above, plus 1 tsp vanilla extract and 2 TBSP browned butter (cool before adding).
Notes:
*butter – It’s a key ingredient in your drink, and it’s a special occasion; go ahead and splurge on a decent one!
**Creaming butter and sugar – basically, put them in a mixer (butter first, add sugar a bit at a time) until it’s well combined and a bit fluffy. Look it up on the Internet if you’re unsure.
Have fun with the spices. This is your opportunity to create your own, signature mix. (Then sign the pile of loose spicy powder to make sure everyone knows it’s your signature)
Some recipes use spiced rum. I think this shows a lack of faith in your batter. If you don’t think the final result is flavorful enough, improve your batter.
Basic spice mix for this amount:
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp fresh-grated nutmeg
1/4 tsp ground allspice
1/4 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
First of all, if you’re curious about the state of the LA Weekly, read this lovely little article from the Columbia Journalism Review, “Just sell the paper and go home.”
Next, if you want to buy Rico Gagliano’s revolutionary new book BRUNCH IS HELL, do it here and the Army of Drunks will get a tiny, tiny kickback from amazon. And yes, he makes a compelling argument why this social ritual we call “brunch” really is a howling abomination.
But he was kind enough to make a BEST ALBUMS OF 2017 list for all his friends. We’re reprinting it here without his permission. Because that’s the kind of people we are.
THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW with The Performer Known as T.J. Former D!sney Costumed Character
“Who’s easier to kick in the nuts: Tigger or Captain Hook?”
Ever go to a big-time theme park and wonder just who the poor suffering bastard is inside the Tigger costume? Well, now you can find out!
Meet T.J., a man who spent years as a character performer at D!sney World, and doesn’t mind talking about it. (But we’re worried the Mouse might come after us, so we’re spelling it “D!sney,” just to fool the Googlers. That Mouse plays hardball, man.)
Meanwhile, we get drunk on the Suffering Bastard cocktail, the hangover cure made so famous during WWII, that General Rommel himself wanted to invade Cairo to get one. *
1 oz Bourbon (or Brandy, depending on how old-school you’re feeling)
1 tsp Fresh Lime Juice (or sweetened, depending on how sweet you’re feeling)
2 dashes Angostura Bitters
Ginger Ale (or ginger beer, depending on how ginger you’re feeling)
Mint Leaves to garnish (or a cherry, or a lemon slice, depending on how garnished you’re feeling)
Combine the booze, the lime juice and the bitters in a cocktail shaker, and shake well with ice. (Hey, put the ice in first, that’s how they usually do it.) Strain into an ice-fulled highball or collins glass, and then top it off with ginger ale. Mint leaves are the traditional garnish, but we like a cherry for the more tropical feel. Look, garnish is a personal thing, like hats.
Bastard-creator Joe Scialom also went on to create two more drinks, the Dying Bastard and the Dead Bastard. Each just contained greater combinations of alcohol. We can’t vouch for them, but for historical and academic purposes, we present the recipes here as we found them.* As with the Suffering, use a cocktail shaker, etc. etc.
The Dying Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
2 dashes Angustora bitters
The Dead Bastard
1/2 ounce gin
1/2 ounce bourbon
1/2 ounce brandy
1/2 ounce rum (light)
1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
4 ounces ginger beer
1 dash Angustora bitters
As for why the Dead Bastard takes it easy on the bitters, we have no idea.
THE WHISKEY SPECIAL with Alex MacKay The Whiskey Genius
Summer is over, and it’s time to go back to school. This is Whiskey 101, where our good friend and not-self-described “Whiskey Genius” Alex MacKay takes you on a tour of some of the major whiskies of the world.
It’s one of our longer shows, but by the time it’s done, you’ll have a better understanding of where the golden brown ambrosia* comes from, what’s the difference between scotch and bourbon, why you don’t want to drink Costco Canadian, and just which Batman is that whiskey you’re drinking.
Joining us also is comedy writer and friend of the show Aydrea Walden. She’s good people.
Also, we cut a very long segment about how whiskey is made, but if you’d like to hear that, please join our Patreon campaign, and we’ll give you access to our Back Room of bonus material!
* Please remind us never to use the term “brown ambrosia” ever again.
Since there’s no cocktail this week, we thought we’d provide a list of all the whiskeys Alex brought for us to sample. Note that most of these are available at your local BevMo, and you can even buy those tiny airplane bottles of some of them. So keeping up with the drunks doesn’t have to cost you an arm and a leg.
Here’s a helpful chart to help you follow along on our journey up Whiskey Mountain. Rather than using the usual descriptors of “taste” and “aroma,” we decided to describe the various boozes in terms of actors. This quickly devolved into describing them in terms of Batmans. (Yes, “Batmans” is the plural of “Batman.” Look it up.)
WHISKEY NAME
COUNTRY
WHICH ACTOR IS IT?
WHICH BATMAN IS IT?
Costco Canadian
Canada
Steven Segal
George Clooney
Nikka Coffey
Japan
Michelle Yeoh
Adam West
Redbreast 12 Year
Ireland
Kenneth Branagh
Michael Keaton
Johnny Walker Green Label
Scotland
David Tennant
Kevin Conroy
(The Animated Series)
Knob Creek Single Barrel
America
We forgot to name one,
but say Steve McQueen
Will Arnett
(Lego Batman)
Ardbeg 10 Year
Scotland
Christian Bale
Christian Bale
BONUS ROUND Alex suggested a few other whiskies if you’re feeling adventurous. Or even if you’re not.
THE MOJITO SHOW With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)
What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015? Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids! Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.
We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida. Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!
And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)
First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass. (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon. If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.) Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution. Repeat.
OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield Check Your Bucket – Eddie Bo Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna
All of these songs can be found on Amazon at The Army’s Drunk Music Store!
(So hey, music lawyers, please don’t give us a take-down order.)
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly
It’s August, and since everyone in Southern California fucks off to pastures new, we’re re-running one of our favorite shows.
In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself. (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)
WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.
Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening. (Or go ahead and worry. See if we care.) But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.
Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and pour into a martini glass. Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire. Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself. Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.
The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)
OUR HONORED GUEST Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly. Read more about him here.
Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.
AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT… Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.
Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.
THE PINK LADY SHOW
with “Alex X”
Anime/Sci-Fi Convention Organizer
“I’ve seen so much Gadget porn, you don’t even know.”
Nothing is bigger than comic “cons” right now. Literally nothing! Not the sun. Not the expanding cluster of galaxies billions of light years across that contains the Milky Way. NOTHING!
Join us as we take a peek behind the scenes of these amazing nerdapalloozas with “Alex X,” a semi-anonymous convention organizer who’s worked in cons for years. Find out way more than you wanted to know about the big egos of B-celebrities, secret nerd* orgies, and what drives the mind of a Furry. (Don’t be afraid.)
We also take a dive into the Pink Lady, the most unfairly-maligned “girlie drink” of the last century. It’s shockingly delicious, and not cloying at all when you do it right. (Entirely unlike “Pink Lady and Jeff,” the disturbing variety show from the late 70s.)
*And we mean the word with the most respect we can muster. We’re all nerds here.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Pink Lady Recipe
There are two commonly-found versions of the Pink Lady, one is a more modern version with cream, ours is based on the classic version. Honestly, we think it’s better. You trust us, don’t you?
1.5 oz Gin
.5 oz Apple Jack
.5 oz Lemon juice
2.5 tbs Egg white (or one egg white from a single egg)
1/2 oz Grenadine (NOTE: We updated this amount… because.)
Cherry for garnishing purposes.
Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake with ice. For a drink like this, it’s worth it to get some high-end grenadine. Seriously, don’t use the cheap stuff if you can avoid it. Pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a cherry. (In this case, a maraschino is completely acceptable, but there’s no reason to hold back the Luxardos if you have them.) Enjoy, while feeling gender-neutral!
And if you want to learn more about Grenadine, join our Patreon campaign for access to our Back Room of bonus material.
GRENADINE FOR SALE! (a tiny fraction of your purchase will go to the Army production fund.)
WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT FURRIES?
FINALLY, SOME PINK LADY AND JEFF! Prepare to feel deeply uncomfortable.
THE SIDEWALKER SHOW
with Adrian Roberts
Transperson and Founder of Bootie Mashup
“Ask a Drunk Transgender!” Just in time for President Donny’s big ban on transpeople in the military for no reason, we sit down with Adrian Roberts, one of the first people in the US to officially register as gender non-binary. (She was number 14. Not bad.)
Hear Adrian give the inside word on gender transition, fluidity, liking both boys’ and girls’ toys, and the joys of German beer. Yes, our cocktail is a hefeweizen-based beer concoction with vinegar and lemon juice called the Sidewalker. Shockingly, it’s damn delicious, and not at all a bad revenge plot by the Bavarians.
Also: Do you know the difference between Bananenheizen and Scheissehosen??
We’ll be dead honest, we got this one from a little site called Crafts on Draft, who claim it came from bartender Damon Boelte at Prime Meats restaurant in Brooklyn. We’re quoting verbatim here, mostly because we’re lazy.
Ingredients: (Makes one cocktail)
1 ounce apple brandy (such as Laird’s)
¾ ounce lemon juice
½ ounce maple syrup
¼ ounce apple cider vinegar
hefeweizen
Lemon wedge, to garnish
Preperation
Pour the brandy, lemon juice, maple syrup and vinegar into a cocktail shaker. Add ice and shake. Strain the cocktail into a chilled, tall glass and top with beer. Garnish with a lemon wedge.
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS!
Adrian Roberts is one of the founders of Bootie Mashup, one of the best sources for dance mash-ups and mash-up themed dance parties in the country. Go check it out for free music downloads, club dates, and general bootiliciousness.
ACTUAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN BUCK AND SHAFT ABOUT THIS DRINK
When we first heard about the Sidewalker, we were… OK, we were afraid. We were flat-out scared of what a cocktail with beer and vinegar would do to our souls.
So as promised, so here is the text conversation between Buck and Shaft in all of it’s incredulous glory.
Finally, here’s our show slug again, so social media doesn’t attach that conversation to any shared post, because apparently that’s how this bullshit works.
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS Politics, Lime Juice, and Boy George’s Beard
with Brian Doherty
The Feelings Experiment Continues as Buck and Brian Doherty (senior editor at Reason Magazine) get into some drunken palaver on the state of politics in the internet age. Can we ever have an adult conversation again when debate has become a cage-match for internet trolls?
We also get a little deeper into Rose’s Lime Juice. Because you love that shit! And we ask some very deep questions about Boy George’s Beard.
Also: Name That Sex Act! Why? Because… you love that shit!
It’s “Ask a Drunk Libertarian,” as we get loaded with Brian Doherty, author and senior editor at Reason Magazine. Hear Brian explain that even libertarians don’t take Ayn Rand all that seriously. WARNING: This one gets into an actual political conversation. (We’re shocked, too.) If that bothers you, just fast forward to “Randy, Rice, or Rooney” at the end.
We also find out the history of the Gimlet cocktail, and how it was created by a conspiracy of British sailors and lime juice merchants. Damn limeys.
MixMa$ter Therm was out of town for this one, so until he engineers the “perfect” version, we’re presenting you with two classic recipes.
“Classic” Gimlet
5 parts gin
1 part simple syrup
1 part lime juice
Combine all the damn ingredients in a shaker. Shake it. Pour over ice. It’s that simple. You can also use Rose’s lime juice if you so choose. It’s already sweetened, but also has some bitter “peel” flavor inherent, so it balances out. There are some people who say stir the damn thing. As far as we can tell, it doesn’t make a big difference in the drink overall, but there’s something about the supercooled shaken version that we enjoy.
Raymond Chandler’s “Long Goodbye” Gimlet
2 parts gin
1 part lime juice
1 part simple syrup
This is exactly how the drink is described in Raymond Chandler’s “The Long Goodbye,” and apparently in the Savoy Cocktail Book as well. Not exactly the ginniest of Gimlets, but it’s a fun historical oddity. Shake it if you got it.
OUR DRUNKEN GUEST
Here’s a link to Brian’s page at Reason.com!
And pick up one of his books. He’s got one of the best book’s on the history of Burning Man, ever.
And you want Rose’s Lime Juice? We got the US and the UK versions!
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS: Science, Vermouth & The Robot Uprising
with Scientist Ian McEwan
Welcome to the Army’s newest experiment: “Let’s Talk About Feelings!” A show where we get a little deeper and a little drunker into a topic of choice with our valued guest. So let’s hear a little more on the future of science in America from scientist Ian McEwan. (WARNING: What he has to say is way more interesting than what we have to say.)
OTHER WARNING: There are maybe fewer dick jokers per hour in this format. Just roll with it.
We also get a little deeper into just what the hell is vermouth, anyway. Do you care? YES, YOU DO!
It’s Season Three, you drunken bastards! Put on your Celebratin’ Pants and get your Manhattan on as we play “Ask a Drunk Scientist” again with our good friend Ian McEwan. Ian tackles the big questions about robot uprisings, those new planets we can’t get to, and how you can or cannot cross the galaxy in one lifetime.
We also get under the history of the Manhattan cocktail — a drink as illustrious as the city itself — and we don’t shy away from the tough philosophical question: Dry or sweet? Bourbon or rye? What kind of vermouth? Wait, there are different kinds of vermouth?
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Manhattan
(The MixMa$ter Therm “Perfect” Version)
3 oz Rye Whiskey
1 oz Dry Vermouth
1/2 oz Sweet Vermouth
6 Dashes of Angostura Bitters
The Manhattan is a drink that’s mostly as good as the base ingredients, so don’t chintz out on the whiskey if you can avoid it. Some people swear that rye is the only proper whiskey for a Manhattan. We trust these people, more or less, so go with rye and see how you like it. David Wondrich also says higher proof whiskies make for better Manhattans than their lower-proof cousins. We definitely trust David Wondrich. You should also put some effort into the vermouth, but remember, open vermouth bottles go bad in a few days if you don’t refrigerate them, so pick up a half-bottle if you can.
As you’d expect, put all of the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Traditionally, you stir the drink it with a cocktail stirrer. Some say shaking adds foam, which you don’t want. Others say if you’ve got foam, you’re using bad ingredients, and besides, shaking is cool. Best to just go with the stirrer to avoid arguments.
Also traditionally, you should ideally chill the glass for half an hour in the freezer before serving. Most people don’t really want to plan that far ahead, so just fill the glass with ice cubes and cold water while you’re mixing, then dump that out before you pour the drink.
Garnish with a Luxardo cherry. Use of a maraschino is a crime punishable by forced exile from the Cocktail Kingdom. Seriously, if you’ve got no Luxardos, use a lemon peel.
MANHATTAN VARIANTS Unsurprisingly, there are as many variants of the Manhattans as there are similes to describe the number of variants of the Manhattan. Some of them are:
SWEET MANHATTAN: Bourbon and sweet vermouth.
DRY MANHATTAN: Rye and dry vermouth.
“PERFECT” MANHATTAN: Rye and 1/2 dry and 1/2 sweet vermouth.
METROPOLITAN: Use Brandy instead of whiskey.
CUBAN MANHATTAN: The “Perfect” recipe, but substituting dark rum.
THE PLACE FOR SOME LINKS THAT WE’LL PROBABLY ADD TO AS PEOPLE ASK US TO ELABORATE ON STUFF
THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW – REDUX With Jhonen Vasquez
(The Re-Run) Subscribe on iTunes!
In preparation for Season Three, we’re releasing one of our favorite shows: the 2015 interview with Jhonen Vasquez. (Creator of Invader ZIM, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and, you know, other stuff.) This was before the new INVADER ZIM special was announced (yay!), and before Donald Trump fucked up relations with Cuba (asshole!), but it’s still a great interview, and a durn fine cocktail. (Still NSFW, and definitely not safe for kids.)
ORIGINAL GODDAMN SHOW NOTES!
Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought. Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix. Seriously. So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States. In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.
Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series. We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum. (NSFW as always. And really not safe for kids.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME The El Presidente
We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente. The secret: NO GRENADINE!
MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:
2 parts white rum. (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
1/2 part orange curacao.
Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all. Drink while you oppress the common people.
Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth! It goes bad.
But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:
2 parts white rum.
2 parts dry vermouth.
1/2 part orange curacao.
Dash of grenadine.
Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would. Pour in glass. Drink. Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.
THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH (a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016 with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz
Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself? SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire. (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)
Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic. Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician! And once again, our trusty improv musical guests Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along. We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause! Merry Christmas! Or listen directly here!
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)
3/4 cup sugar
3 lemons
2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
5 cups hot water (or black tea)
Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.
OK, pay attention here. Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar. Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil. (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”) And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire. (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.) Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out. Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons. (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you? God, you’re an idiot. Fish them out of the trash or start over.) Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be. If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg. If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.
Serves about 6, we think.
HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER! (Which we lifted from the NPR website.)
TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour. Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste. The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity. – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847
OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic! You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood. She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.
Simone Turkington: The left half of Mystiki Magic.
Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.
Josh Kamensky and Scott Passarella of Surprise Inside at Drunkstudios, Pasadena.
O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)
O come all ye a-holes Joyless and pedantic O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.
Come [unintelligible] For the [unintelligible] O come let us abhor him, O come let us backdoor him, O come ye [unintelligible] Christ, I’m bored!
HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!
A middle finger to decency.
AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.
Another middle finger to decency.
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE… Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing. IMG_1574.MOV
We should migrate to SquareSpace. We really should.
DRUNK PEOPLE WALK YOU THROUGH THE CALIFORNIA STATE BALLOT MEASURES!
Army of Drunks 2016 Election Special!
2016 Election Special Drunk Guide to California State Ballot Propositions!!
With Josh Kamensky & Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden SUBSCRIBE ON iTUNES here!
ELECTION SPECIAL! (If you live in California, anyway. Everyone else, DO NOT LISTEN! Seriously. Unless other people’s state measures really make you horny.)
Yes, we can be educational sometimes.
Confused by the California state ballot propositions? Hey, so are we! So we decided to invite comedy ‘n’ government guy Josh Kamensky — of Surprise Inside — to walk us through ’em after our last show. Joining us is guest host Aydrea Walden of The Oreo Experience, who was still waiting around for her ride. So come with us on a magical, drunken, totally-biased* journey through the wonderland we call STATE GOVERNMENT!
*Yes, this ballot guide is not exactly objective, but we respect your right to think we’re wrong.
And make sure you download-n-print your ARMY OF DRUNKS CALIFORNIA VOTER GUIDE so you can score at home! Now in two convenient formats!
THE CORPSE REVIVER SHOW With Mortician Amber Carvaly & Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden & Guest Bartender James Slay Subscribe on iTunes here!
Welcome to our Halloween show! And how better to celebrate the season of spooks, costume parties, and candy comas than by plunging headlong into death! Our guest is Amber Carvaly (Undertaking LA), a mortician with a mission to bring the funeral back into the hands of the bereaved and away from corporate casket-dealing bastards, and we get in deep conversation about death, dying, and whether you should be buried with your keno chips.
And our drink is the Corpse Reviver, versions number one and (the more common) number two, a class of drink as old as the 19th century, but brought into popularity by one man during prohibition. We try both the old-school brandy-based beverage, and the more brunch-friendly gin-and-lemon version. Which will revive a corpse faster? You be the judge!
And with us again is special guest host Aydrea Walden, creator of The Oreo Experience blog, and guest bartender James Slay… Because Spork and Therm are dead! (Alert Bela Lugosi.) (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Corpse Reviver no. 1
(The olde-timey one.)
2 parts Cognac
1 part Calvados or Apple Brandy
1 part Sweet Vermouth
Stir ingredients together with ice. Pour into a cocktail glass, or if you’re appropriately schmancy, a coupe glass. Administer to ease the walking dead hangover.
The Corpse Reviver no. 2 (The citrusy bunch-friendly one)
One part (or 3/4 oz) Gin
One part(or 3/4 oz) Cointreau or Curacao
One part (or 3/4 oz) Lillet Blanc
One part (or, wait for it… 3/4 oz) Lemon Juice
One dash Absinthe
Strain all the ingredients together into a shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Drink. And to quote Harry Craddock, inventor of the Corpse Reviver no. 2, “Four of these taken in quick succession will unrevive the corpse again.”
The Savoy Cocktail book by Henry Craddock is an indispensable tome for all lovers of classic cocktails. A direct reprint of the original 1930 volume, this book is home to the original recipe for the Corpse Revivers no. 1&2, as well as dozens of prohibition-era drinks. Drink like you’re historic, man!
Amber Carvaly’s partner in crime at Undertaking L.A. is Caitlin Doughty, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and one of the foremost advocates for a more natural approach to caring for the dead. Her book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes recounts her time working in a crematorium. Damn, it’s fascinating.
SUMMER TIKI SPECIAL 2016
Featuring the Mai Tai and Singapore Sling With Comedian Katie Massa Subscribe on iTunes here!
It’s August! What better time for lounging by the pool and getting drunk as a Hawaiian sunset? We’ve been away for a while, but before this long hot summer passes into misty memory, the Drunks have brought you an extra special, extra-extended parade of TIKI, damn it!
We plumb the Pacific depths of the only genre of cocktails spawned from a theme restaurant. Learn how Don the Beachcomber unwittingly founded the Tiki movement in pre-WWII California, and how competitor Trader Vic took it nation-wide from — believe it nor not — Oakland. Then learn the history of the MAI TAI, the flagship tiki cocktail, and the SINGAPORE SLING, an outside-the-Polynesian-triangle addition to the tiki pantheon.
Matt Shaw also tells us about his distillery tour of Scotland. Yes, someone let Matt Shaw loose in the land where they make scotch. Katie Massa tells us how People are Horrible™. Buck expounds on what it means to get “Tiki Drunk.” We solve the urgent riddle of Zsa Zsa Gabor: alive or dead? And we play “Name That Sex Act: Trump Edition.” (NSFW as always.)
BUT FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS! THIS GODDAMN BOOK!
Before we go too far, this is the flat-out amazing Tiki book we referenced during the show, Smuggler’s Cove by Martin Cate and Rebecca Cate. It goes deep into the kelp on the true origins of all the Polynesian cocktails you sort-of know and think you probably would love if you could only try one. It also contains the ORIGINAL MAI TAI recipe we tried. (We’d post it here, but we don’t want to deny Martin & Rebecca their hard-earned book royalties.) If you love Tiki as much as you love life itself, or even slightly less, go buy it right now!
And if you need your bad self some good Tiki mugs, we used this plucky little set.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Mai Tai!
1 oz (2 tablespoons) dark rum
1 oz (2 tablespoons) amber rum
2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
1/2 oz (1 tablespoon) Cointreau (or triple sec or Curaçao)
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
1 teaspoon orgeat syrup (or 1 drop pure almond extract)
1 teaspoon superfine granulated sugar
Dash of grenadine
Garnish: an orange slice, or Lime rind and mint sprig
Shake all of the ingredients with ice, pour into a highball glass with a straw. Or a tiki glass, or a Tiki mug if you want to go full-Tiki.
Note: Martin Cate suggests you add the juice of half a fresh lime after the pour, to keep it from over-liming the whole drink. YMMV. There’s also some debate over the proper garnish. Apparently the classic Mai Tai uses a mint sprig with the lime rind, while the more modern Tiki-slinger can go with an orange slice, or any of the usual Tiki umbrella/fruit combos.
DRINK MORE AT HOME!
The Singapore Sling!
1 1⁄2 ounces gin
1⁄2 ounce cherry heering
1⁄4 ounce Cointreau liqueur
1⁄4 ounce benedictine
4 ounces pineapple juice
1⁄2 ounce lime juice
1⁄3 ounce grenadine
1 dash bitters
Shake all ingredients in a shaker with shakable ice. Strain into a highball glass or Tiki mug. Garnish with whatever festive Tiki regalia you have at your disposal. (But anything involving pineapple never hurts.)
THE COBBLER SHOW With James Slay
Actual Goddamn Bartender
We should have done this a long time ago. This week the Army of Drunks sits down with an actual goddamn bartender to hear what life is like behind the counter. Warning: it can suck to be on the other side of you when you’re ordering a drink.
While we hear war stories from behind the bar, we investigate the Cobbler, the first American cocktail to take the world by storm in the 18th century, thanks two the combination of sherry, ice and — believe it or goddamn not — the invention of the straw. Listen as we get old-tymie loaded on both the original Sherry Cobbler, which liked you’d expect is made with sherry, and the D Cobbler, which upgrades to whiskey and ginger ale. (NSFW as always.)
During the show, James educates us on William Schmidt, one of the first cocktail book authors in America. In fact, here he is! Look into his steely, whiskey-burned gaze as you think about what booze awaits you.
William Stinkin’ Schmidt!
Remember, William is an innocent, but his mustache stands in judgement of you and all you’ve done… or failed to do… in this life.
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Narragansett Cobbler
Whole Peel of Orange
Juice of one Orange
One “jigger” whiskey (we used Canadian whiskey)
One Bottle of Ginger Ale (though you won’t need the whole thing)
Cracked Ice
Berries to Garnish this Sucker
A Paper Straw (if you’re going to be traditional about it)
If you’re going to be a badass like MixMa$ter Therm, start by taking off the entire peel of one orange in one piece. Good luck with that. Put the peel artfully spiraled in a collins glass. Add the juice of the orange, a jigger of whiskey, fill the rest with ice, and top off with ginger ale. Then garnish it with berries, because it makes you look all-Martha-Stewart ‘n’ shit. (And really, it makes the drink look gorgeous.) Drink through a straw, a paper one if you’re going to be historically accurate.
AND AS LONG AS YOU’RE SIPPING HISTORY, ALSO TRY…
The Sherry Cobbler
4 oz. Dry Sherry (everyone says go for amantillado)
1/2 tsp simple syrup or 1 tbs sugar
2 or 3 Orange Slices
Cracked Ice
Berries and/or Mint to Garnish it to Glory
A Goddamn Paper Straw
Muddle the orange slices and the sugar/syrup in a mixing glass. Add the sherry and ice, then shake like a bucking mule. Strain into a collins glass over more cracked ice. Garnish that sucker with berries and a paper straw. Pretend you’re in The Music Man.
BUY WILLIAM SCHMIDT’S BOOK!
AND CHECK OUT THE CAPGUN HOLDUPS!
SOME GODDAMN PHOTOS FROM THE RECORDING SESSION – ORANGE SLAUGHTER & SUPER MARIO!
THE BOURBON & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SHOW With Linda Williamson
Writer for L.A. Weekly, L.A. Times & L.A. Magazine
NSFW. NSFW! Oh, and NSFW!!
We thought this would be a good idea. We had no idea it would end the way it did.
Bourbon and Girl Scout cookies. Who would think to pair them? Well, everyone after that little article from the Bourbon Review website went viral. The difference between us and your questionable friends who posted it on Facebook is that we actually tried it! We soon discovered half the bourbons the article recommended were either impossible to find or astronomically priced, so we made a few substitutions of our own to make the boozy picnic possible. Then we invited writer Linda Williamson — author of the L.A. Weekly article “Girl Scout Cookies: Sugar, God & Questionable Math Skills” — to bring her own unique opinions about Thin Mints.
That part went all right. Delightful, even. It was what came late that we have to apologize for. We are very, very sorry for how the show wound up, and we promise to never, ever do it again. Really. (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Here are the bourbon & cookie pairings we tried:
Thin Mints & Basil Hayden’s
Peanut Butter Sandwiches* & Johnny Drum by Willet
Shortbreads & Maker’s 46**
Samoas / Carmel Delites & Russel’s Reserve***
* This is supposed to be paired with Peanut Butter Patties, not sandwiches, but our Girl Scout screwed up. Honestly, it would have worked much better with the proper cookie. We blame ourselves, but only because it looks bad to blame Girl Scouts for anything.
** The Bourbon Review recommended Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year Old for this pairing. Simply clicking that link will explain why we didn’t use it. (Yeah, it must be great being a bourbon review site and getting $2,500 bottles of out-of-circulation whiskey for free.) We substitued the Maker’s 46 because of its oaky flavor.
*** The Bourbon Review paired this with Angel’s Envy Rye. It’s rare, and the local liquor store was asking about $200 for a bottle of it. We substituted Russel’s Reserve for its sweet overtones. It’s a durn fine bourbon for the price.
MixMa$ter Therm has lined up the best thing to get mommy through that protracted Scout meeting.
SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN?
All of the pairings were interesting, some were a little more desserty than others, but the biggest straight-up home-run was Russel’s Reserve and Samoas. We’d recommend that to you or any Girl Scout who grew up and got sassy. Shortbreads and Maker’s 46 also made a nice combination for someone who’s feeling more refined about their booze-and-cookie habit.
We also discovered that dunking Thin Mints in Maker’s 46 is embarrassingly delicious. The mint puts you in the mind of the bourbon and mint combination of a mint julep, and the chocolate cools out the heat of the Maker’s, while reminding you that you’re a goddamn grown-up drinking expensive bourbon with a six-year-old’s favorite milk-time treat. What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t let any serious bourbon aficionado catch you doing it. (Though, really, you can’t run your life by what aficionados think. Seriously, are you gonna let an aficionado push you around?)
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly
Yes, unless you’ve been buried under a man who fell to earth for the past month, you know that David Bowie recently passed on to the great unknown. In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself. (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)
WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.
Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening. (Or go ahead and worry. See if we care.) But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.
Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and pour into a martini glass. Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire. Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself. Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.
The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)
OUR HONORED GUEST Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly. Read more about him here.
Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.
AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT… Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.
Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.
THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! With Jon Alloway, musical guest Surprise Inside, and the Army of Drunks’ Tiny Audience!
Ever been Wassailing? Well don’t. It’s based on a horrible drink made of eggs, lager, wine, and Dickensian despair. But it’s Christmas, and we get drunk on it so you don’t have to!
Welcome to the Army of Drunks Christmas Special! Forget the bullshit “War on Christmas,” we’re going after Santa, more specifically, the SantaCon Rampage, a once-proud tradition of culture jamming now filthy with hipsters and douchebags! Join us as we sit down with Jon Alloway, a veteran of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society as he tells us about the Krampus Run, a new tradition that celebrates St. Nicholas’ evil goat-headed partner in crime.
Also, all-improv band Surprise Inside regales us with christmas songs whipped-up-right-there-on-the-spot. We welcome our first Tiny Audience. And we learn what’s the only thing that can stop a bad Santa with a gun.
Warning: Contains Star Wars spoilers. Suck it, Bantha.
Just don’t. We tried a big steaming bowl of Wassail on the show, and we don’t recommend the experience for anything. It’s like drinking a glass of German cinnamon omelette. However… If you insist on drinking where angels fear to tread, MixMa$ter Therm recommends Alton Brown’s recipe. We are linking to it here. The rest is on your head.
Holiday time is upon us, and as the Drunks gear up for Season Two, we regift a show from Season One, now with added fruitcakery! MixMa$ter Therm tells you how to make your own Holiday Five-Actually-Seven-Spice Liqueur to give as a gift to the ones you claim to love!
Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today. We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.
MIXMA$TER THERM’S HOLIDAY FIVE-ACTUALLY-SEVEN-SPICE LIQUEUR! Infusing liqueur is a (sometimes) cheap and (always) easy way to create a gift that makes you look a like an artisan badass. MixMa$ter Therm set out to concoct a booze based on the original “Chinese Five Spice” spice mix, and two extra spices later had a perfect Christmas liquor for getting loaded under the tree. You will need:
1 oz. cinnamon stick(s)
1 oz. whole cloves
1 oz. star anis
1 oz. fennel seeds
1 oz. black pepper corns
1 oz. whole nutmeg
1 oz. whole allspice
1.75 liter bottle of vodka
Approximately 2 cups simple syrup (1 part sugar to 1 part water)
REGARDING THE SPICES – Yes, we suggest buying them whole, not ground. It’s not the cheapest way to go, but you’ll have enough left over to make gallons of the stuff if you want.
Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile. Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove. (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan. NO STINKIN’ OIL!)
Coax all of those spices into a big-ass bottle of vodka and let it sit for about three days. Be sure to turn the bottle over a few times once or twice a day to keep them flavors mixin’! When the three days are up, strain out all of the spice through a fine strainer or a loose coffee filter or the powers of your mind or something. (And yeah, you’ll need a big bowl to dump all of this Christmas-tasting liquor into.)
Add simple syrup to taste, but we found a 1-to-4 syrup-to-vodka ratio worked quite well. This would be about 2 cups of simple syrup for 1.75 liters of infused vodka. Sip along the way to make sure you’ve done it right, and to make the time pass faster.
Pour your finished liqueur into smaller bottles, slap home-made labels on them that read “Annie’s Secret Christmas Cheer Elf Potion” or something equally f***ing adorable, and give them out to anyone you want to impress. Sit back and reap the holiday benefits, or just get drunk on pure Christmas magic!
AND NOW FOR THE SHOW NOTES…
DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Whiskey Old-Fashioned
2 oz. bourbon or rye. (Or a mix. We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
1 sugar cube. (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
Angostura bitters
Orange slice and/or peel
One non-marchino cherry (optional)
Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters. (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.) Muddle it. Pour in the booze. Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry. DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT! Serve like you mean it.
MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
THE WHITE RUSSIAN SHOW With Aydrea Walden
(Author of The Oreo Experience)
The White Russian? Is it more than just a Black Russian with cream? Actually, no. But just like “cream” can mean the difference between an NC-17 and X rating, the mighty dairy product does something special that takes this cocktail to a sweeter and sweatier place.
Join us as we explore the details of the White Russian, and since we really covered the Black Russian in another show, also discuss the details of the 1985 film “White Nights,” with Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov.
But our real star is Aydrea Walden, author of “The Oreo Experience” blog, and creator of the stage show of the same name. Aydrea regales us with tales of growing up as a self-described “Oreo,” or “total whitey trapped in a black chick’s body,” why it was impossible to convince her white peers in a Texas high school that no, she did not like “Boys II Men,” and how she still can make an East Coast W.A.S.P. uncomfortable.
We also discover a how you, too, can go to an actual bathroom in the middle of a lake, play “Which is Whiter?” and find out what’s in Shaw’s Craw.
The biggest point of contention in all White Russian recipes is the balance of ingredients. After some experimentation, MixMa$ter Therm determined the 5-3-1 of vodka to Kahlua to cream seems to be the optimal combination. Fill a glass with ice, add the vodka and the Kahlua, stir affectionately, then add the cream on the top. Drink while imagining you’re as cool as anything that happened in The Big Lebowski.
THE MOJITO SHOW With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)
What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015? Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids! Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.
We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida. Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!
And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)
First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass. (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon. If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.) Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution. Repeat.
OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield Check Your Bucket – Eddie Bo Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna
All of these songs can be found on Amazon at The Army’s Drunk Music Store!
(So hey, music lawyers, please don’t give us a take-down order.)
THE SAZERAC SHOW With Ian McEwan
(“The Drunken Scientist”)
“Ask a Drunken Scientist!” That’s what we wanted to do. Don’t ask us why, because we have no reasonable explanation, but fortunately for us, we found Ian McEwan, and after a few cocktails he was willing to answer all of our questions from quantum theory to climate-change deniers to whether the U.S.S. Enterprise could beat up an Imperial Star Destroyer.
We also get into the history of the Sazerac cocktail, a sweet-and-herbal rye concoction invented in 1800s New Orleans ostensibly as a way for a local pharmacist to sell his bitters. (Man, have we really gotten that cynical?) If you ever wondered how Peycahud’s bitters got their start, listen up here.
About 1/2 oz Absinthe — or Herbsaint — to rinse the glass.
Lemon peel for garnish.
Ice
Tradition has it the Sazerac is created in two old-fashioned glasses. Chill one glass by filling it with ice. In the other, mash the sugar cube up with a few dashes of bitters (or just use simple syrup if mashing doesn’t agree with you.) Add the rye stir. In the other glass, get rid of the ice and give it a rinse of absinthe. Herbsaint will work if you can’t find absinthe, though let’s face it, if you can get your hands on Herbsaint, you can probably find absinthe with no trouble. Pour the rye mixture into the glass and add ice. Garnish with a lemon peel. Serve. Drink. Repeat.
By the way, when choosing a rye, you do not need to use the “official” Sazerac brand rye. Any smooth rye will do, or even an angry rye if you’re in the mood.
Original Brandy Sazerac Variant
The Sazerac was originally made with brandy, so it’s can be a fun experiment to mix one up using the classic wine spirit instead of rye. If you do, halve the amount of sugar or simple syrup you use, because brandy is sweet enough as it is. Serve with a sense of historical smugness.
Short: 1990s – (Redeeming) The Appletini with the Army of Drunks!
Ah, the 1990s! A time of transition between the sugary concoctions of the 80s and the more mature cocktails of times to come. Where candy-flavored “bullshitinis” ruled the high-end drink menus of bars all over America. We dive face-first into the Jolly Rancher-green Appletini and survive. How? Through the ingenuity of MixMa$ter Therm and his genuinely-worthy Apple Martini recipe. Along the way, we get to know the drink nobody wants to take credit for, except maybe some guy named Adam Carston. Listen and be amazed! (NSFW as always.)
DRINK ALONG AT HOME! The Classic Bullshit Appletini Recipe That Will Make You Popular With College Kids
2 parts vodka
1 part sour apple pucker
3 parts shame (If genuine shame is available, you should not be serving this drink.)
Apple slice for garnish
Put all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake. Pour toxic green mixture in glass. Garnish with apple slice. Serve to under-age sorority girl. Drink. Realize what you’ve done. Cry bitter tears. Scrape sugar from lips.
The MixMa$ter Therm Variation That’s Genuinely Good
4 parts vodka
1 part calvados
1 part unfiltered apple juice
1/2 part cointreau
Apple slice for garnish
Put all ingredients in a shaker with ice. (Except the apple slice. It’s a garnish, and you’re smarter than that, friend.) Shake like you mean it. Pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with the apple. Sip confidently knowing you’ve graduated to the next level, and those green Appletini Goblins can never hurt you again.
THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW With Jhonen Vasquez
(Extended Cut)
Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought. Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix. Seriously. So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States. In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.
Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series. We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum. (NSFW as always. And really not safe for kids.)
We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente. The secret: NO GRENADINE!
MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:
2 parts white rum. (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
1/2 part orange curacao.
Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass. Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all. Drink while you oppress the common people.
Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth! It goes bad.
But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:
2 parts white rum.
2 parts dry vermouth.
1/2 part orange curacao.
Dash of grenadine.
Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would. Pour in glass. Drink. Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.
FATHER’S DAY SPECIAL
The Whisky and Pancakes Challenge with Rev. Roemer and Mike & Kevin from Topline Wine
This one’s unusual. In honor of Father’s Day, we magically weave together two remote segments. In one, we offer up a buyer’s guide for the children of booze-loving fathers courtesy of the good folks at Topline Win in Glendale, CA. In the other, we lock ourselves in DuPar’s bar and pancake house and see which gets to us first: the booze or the tall stack. Don’t ask why.
Either way, it’s a magical journey I’m sure you and your father will enjoy, though probably not together, because that would be too much to ask. (NSFW as always.)
Short: 1980s – The Sex on the Beach with the Army of Drunks
Why are we doing this? Really, why are we doing this? The 80s. Was it the beginning of institutionalized Spring Break drinking, or did it just seem that way because everyone was young and drunk? We take no steps toward finding out, but we do drive head-first into the Sex on the Beach cocktail. And if it makes you feel any better, we don’t enjoy it.
And if you can create one cocktail after an embarrassing Spring Break indiscretion, can you create more? Find out as we reverse-engineer awkward sex acts into cocktail recipes. And remember, Alcohol Jesus is watching over us all.
DAIQUIRI SUMMER SPECIAL – 2018
THE WHISKEY SPECIAL
THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW
THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile. Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove. (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan. NO STINKIN’ OIL!)
THE SAZERAC SHOW
