Podcast

THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW – with The Performer Known as T.J.

THE SUFFERING BASTARD SHOW
with The Performer Known as T.J.
Former D!sney Costumed Character

“Who’s easier to kick in the nuts: Tigger or Captain Hook?”

Ever go to a big-time theme park and wonder just who the poor suffering bastard is inside the Tigger costume?  Well, now you can find out!

Meet T.J., a man who spent years as a character performer at D!sney World, and doesn’t mind talking about it.  (But we’re worried the Mouse might come after us, so we’re spelling it “D!sney,” just to fool the Googlers.  That Mouse plays hardball, man.)

Meanwhile, we get drunk on the Suffering Bastard cocktail, the hangover cure made so famous during WWII, that General Rommel himself wanted to invade Cairo to get one. *

*This is only sort-of true.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Suffering Bastard

  • 1 oz Gin
  • 1 oz Bourbon (or Brandy, depending on how old-school you’re feeling)
  • 1 tsp Fresh Lime Juice (or sweetened, depending on how sweet you’re feeling)
  • 2 dashes Angostura Bitters
  • Ginger Ale (or ginger beer, depending on how ginger you’re feeling)
  • Mint Leaves to garnish (or a cherry, or a lemon slice, depending on how garnished you’re feeling)

Combine the booze, the lime juice and the bitters in a cocktail shaker, and shake well with ice.  (Hey, put the ice in first, that’s how they usually do it.)   Strain into an ice-fulled highball or collins glass, and then top it off with ginger ale.  Mint leaves are the traditional garnish, but we like a cherry for the more tropical feel.  Look, garnish is a personal thing, like hats.

Bastard-creator Joe Scialom also went on to create two more drinks, the Dying Bastard and the Dead Bastard.  Each just contained greater combinations of alcohol.  We can’t vouch for them, but for historical and academic purposes, we present the recipes here as we found them.*  As with the Suffering, use a cocktail shaker, etc. etc.

The Dying Bastard

  • 1/2 ounce gin
  • 1/2 ounce bourbon
  • 1/2 ounce brandy
  • 1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
  • 4 ounces ginger beer
  • 2 dashes Angustora bitters

The Dead Bastard

  • 1/2 ounce gin
  • 1/2 ounce bourbon
  • 1/2 ounce brandy
  • 1/2 ounce rum (light)
  • 1/2 ounce lime juice (cordial)
  • 4 ounces ginger beer
  • 1 dash Angustora bitters

As for why the Dead Bastard takes it easy on the bitters, we have no idea.

*That is to say, with a Google search.

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THE WHISKEY SPECIAL – with Alex MacKay

THE WHISKEY SPECIAL
with Alex MacKay
The Whiskey Genius

Summer is over, and it’s time to go back to school.  This is Whiskey 101, where our good friend and not-self-described “Whiskey Genius” Alex MacKay takes you on a tour of some of the major whiskies of the world.

It’s one of our longer shows, but by the time it’s done, you’ll have a better understanding of where the golden brown ambrosia* comes from, what’s the difference between scotch and bourbon, why you don’t want to drink Costco Canadian, and just which Batman is that whiskey you’re drinking.

Joining us also is comedy writer and friend of the show Aydrea Walden.  She’s good people.

Also, we cut a very long segment about how whiskey is made, but if you’d like to hear that, please join our Patreon campaign, and we’ll give you access to our Back Room of bonus material!

* Please remind us never to use the term “brown ambrosia” ever again.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!

Since there’s no cocktail this week, we thought we’d provide a list of all the whiskeys Alex brought for us to sample.  Note that most of these are available at your local BevMo, and you can even buy those tiny airplane bottles of some of them.  So keeping up with the drunks doesn’t have to cost you an arm and a leg.

Here’s a helpful chart to help you follow along on our journey up Whiskey Mountain.  Rather than using the usual descriptors of “taste” and “aroma,” we decided to describe the various boozes in terms of actors.  This quickly devolved into describing them in terms of Batmans.  (Yes, “Batmans” is the plural of “Batman.”  Look it up.)

 WHISKEY NAME COUNTRY WHICH ACTOR IS IT? WHICH BATMAN IS IT?
 Costco Canadian Canada Steven Segal George Clooney
 Nikka Coffey Japan Michelle Yeoh Adam West
 Redbreast 12 Year Ireland Kenneth Branagh Michael Keaton
 Johnny Walker Green Label Scotland David Tennant Kevin Conroy
(The Animated Series)
 Knob Creek Single Barrel America We forgot to name one,
but say Steve McQueen
Will Arnett
(Lego Batman)
 Ardbeg 10 Year Scotland Christian Bale Christian Bale

 

BONUS ROUND
Alex suggested a few other whiskies if you’re feeling adventurous.  Or even if you’re not.

  • Brook Laddie Scotch
  • Octomore Scotch
  • Maker’s Mark 46 Cask Strength
  • Seven Stills Chcoolate Oatmeal Stout & I.P.A.
  • Midelton Dair Ghaelach Irish
  • Jameson Unblended 13-Year

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
Check out Aydrea’s web series Black Girl in a Big Dress right here!

WANNA SEE SOME WHISKEY?

 

 

 

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THE MOJITO SHOW REDUX – with Clifton James Weaver III of Funky Sole


THE MOJITO SHOW

With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)

What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015?  Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids!  Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.

We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida.  Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!

And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)


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And Check out the 2017 LA Weekly piece on Clifton!
http://www.laweekly.com/music/funky-soles-clifton-weaver-aka-dj-soft-touch-is-a-master-of-vintage-soul-sounds-8525534

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Mojito

  • 3/4 oz lime juice
  • 1 3/4 tsp superfine sugar
  • 2 oz white rum
  • 4 oz club soda
  • 4 mint leaves (or more)

First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass.  (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon.  If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.)  Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution.  Repeat.

MIXMA$TER THERM’S MOJITO CALCULATIONS
Therm's Mojito Chart CROPPED IMG_3568

CLIFTON JAMES WEAVER ON THE WEB
Clifton’s Corner at Aquarium Drunkard
Snap, Crackle and Bop on Punk Aristocrats
Jump + Dance Radio
Funky Sole at the Echo on Facebook
Clifton’s Facebook Page

OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT
Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding
Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield
Check Your Bucket  – Eddie Bo
Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer
Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab
Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna

All of these songs can be found on Amazon at The Army’s Drunk Music Store!
(So hey, music lawyers, please don’t give us a take-down order.)

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THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW (REDUX) – David Bowie Tribute w/ Andy Hermann

THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW
With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly

It’s August, and since everyone in Southern California fucks off to pastures new, we’re re-running one of our favorite shows.

In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself.  (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)

WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.

Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening.  (Or go ahead and worry.  See if we care.)  But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.

(And the show is NSFW as always.)

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Ziggy Stardust

  • 4 oz Vodka
  • 1 oz Creme de Violette
  • 2 dashes Orange Bitters
  • 1/2 oz Goldschlager
  • Sprinkle of Cinnamon
  • Fire

Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice.  Shake and pour into a martini glass.  Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire.  Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself.  Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.

The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)
The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)

OUR HONORED GUEST
Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly.  Read more about him here.

Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.

AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT…
Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.

Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.

DAVID BOWIE’S MUSIC
We mentioned a few albums on the show, and Buck’s list of the three albums to start on are:
Hunky Dory (1971)
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (1972)
Aladdin Sane (1973)
To that, Andy added:
Let’s Dance (1983)
That oughtta get you started.  We also discussed:
David Bowie (1967) his first album
Blackstar (2016) his final album

All of this is available in the Drunken Music section of the Army of Drunks Amazon store.  GO THERE NOW!

AS PROMISED, HERE’S A PICTURE OF SPORK IN THE STREETS OF HAVANA ON NEW YEARS

DSC00566
Spork Represents the USA in Havana on New Years.

FINALLY, A RARE PHOTO OF THE DRUNKS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

The Drunks in their Natural Habitat. (left to right, Shaft, Buck Down, Spork, Matt Shaw, guest Andy Hermann, MixMa$ter Therm. Photo by Kevin Rolly.)
left to right, Shaft, Buck Down, Spork, Matt Shaw, guest Andy Hermann, MixMa$ter Therm. (photo by Kevin Rolly.)

show copyright ©2016, Army of Drunks

 

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THE PINK LADY SHOW – with “Alex X”


THE PINK LADY SHOW
with “Alex X”
Anime/Sci-Fi Convention Organizer

“I’ve seen so much Gadget porn, you don’t even know.”

Nothing is bigger than comic “cons” right now.  Literally nothing!  Not the sun.  Not the expanding cluster of galaxies billions of light years across that contains the Milky Way.  NOTHING!

Join us as we take a peek behind the scenes of these amazing nerdapalloozas with “Alex X,” a semi-anonymous convention organizer who’s worked in cons for years.  Find out way more than you wanted to know about the big egos of B-celebrities, secret nerd* orgies, and what drives the mind of a Furry.  (Don’t be afraid.)

We also take a dive into the Pink Lady, the most unfairly-maligned “girlie drink” of the last century.  It’s shockingly delicious, and not cloying at all when you do it right.  (Entirely unlike “Pink Lady and Jeff,” the disturbing variety show from the late 70s.)

*And we mean the word with the most respect we can muster.  We’re all nerds here.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Pink Lady Recipe

There are two commonly-found versions of the Pink Lady, one is a more modern version with cream, ours is based on the classic version.  Honestly, we think it’s better.  You trust us, don’t you?

  • 1.5 oz Gin
  • .5 oz Apple Jack
  • .5 oz Lemon juice
  • 2.5 tbs Egg white (or one egg white from a single egg)
  • 2 tsp Grenadine.  (4 dashes)
  • Cherry for garnishing purposes.

Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake with ice.  For a drink like this, it’s worth it to get some high-end grenadine.  Seriously, don’t use the cheap stuff if you can avoid it.  Pour into a cocktail glass and garnish with a cherry.  (In this case, a maraschino is completely acceptable, but there’s no reason to hold back the Luxardos if you have them.)  Enjoy, while feeling gender-neutral!

And if you want to learn more about Grenadine, join our Patreon campaign for access to our Back Room of bonus material.

GRENADINE FOR SALE!  (a tiny fraction of your purchase will go to the Army production fund.)


WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT FURRIES?

FINALLY, SOME PINK LADY AND JEFF!
Prepare to feel deeply uncomfortable.

 

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THE SIDEWALKER SHOW – with Adrian Roberts


THE SIDEWALKER SHOW
with Adrian Roberts
Transperson and Founder of Bootie Mashup

“Ask a Drunk Transgender!” Just in time for President Donny’s big ban on transpeople in the military for no reason, we sit down with Adrian Roberts, one of the first people in the US to officially register as gender non-binary.  (She was number 14.  Not bad.)

Hear Adrian give the inside word on gender transition, fluidity, liking both boys’ and girls’ toys, and the joys of German beer.   Yes, our cocktail is a hefeweizen-based beer concoction with vinegar and lemon juice called the Sidewalker.  Shockingly, it’s damn delicious, and not at all a bad revenge plot by the Bavarians.

Also: Do you know the difference between Bananenheizen and Scheissehosen??

You had better, my friend.  You had better.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Sidewalker

We’ll be dead honest, we got this one from a little site called Crafts on Draft, who claim it came from bartender Damon Boelte at Prime Meats restaurant in Brooklyn.    We’re quoting verbatim here, mostly because we’re lazy.

Ingredients: (Makes one cocktail)

  • 1 ounce apple brandy (such as Laird’s)
  • ¾ ounce lemon juice
  • ½ ounce maple syrup
  • ¼ ounce apple cider vinegar
  • hefeweizen
  • Lemon wedge, to garnish

Preperation

Pour the brandy, lemon juice, maple syrup and vinegar into a cocktail shaker. Add ice and shake. Strain the cocktail into a chilled, tall glass and top with beer. Garnish with a lemon wedge.

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS!
Adrian Roberts is one of the founders of Bootie Mashup, one of the best sources for dance mash-ups and mash-up themed dance parties in the country.  Go check it out for free music downloads, club dates, and general bootiliciousness.

ACTUAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN BUCK AND SHAFT ABOUT THIS DRINK
When we first heard about the Sidewalker, we were… OK, we were afraid.  We were flat-out scared of what a cocktail with beer and vinegar would do to our souls.

So as promised,  so here is the text conversation between Buck and Shaft in all of it’s incredulous glory.

 

 

 

Finally, here’s our show slug again, so social media doesn’t attach that conversation to any shared post, because apparently that’s how this bullshit works.

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LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS – Politics, Lime Juice & Boy George’s Beard

LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS
Politics, Lime Juice, and Boy George’s Beard
with Brian Doherty

The Feelings Experiment Continues as Buck and Brian Doherty (senior editor at Reason Magazine) get into some drunken palaver on the state of politics in the internet age. Can we ever have an adult conversation again when debate has become a cage-match for internet trolls?

We also get a little deeper into Rose’s Lime Juice.  Because you love that shit!  And we ask some very deep questions about Boy George’s Beard.

Also: Name That Sex Act!  Why?  Because… you love that shit!

 

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ROSE’S LIME JUICE!

Here’s a lovely little article Slate put out on the juice in question.

 

BOY GEORGE’S BEARD!

I mean, seriously, this is what we’re talking about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AND IN CASE YOU MISSED THEM LAST WEEK, SOME RELEVANT BOOKS AND JUICE!  

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THE GIMLET SHOW – with Brian Doherty


THE GIMLET SHOW
with Brian Doherty
Senior Editor at Reason Magazine

It’s “Ask a Drunk Libertarian,” as we get loaded with Brian Doherty, author and senior editor at Reason Magazine. Hear Brian explain that even libertarians don’t take Ayn Rand all that seriously. WARNING: This one gets into an actual political conversation. (We’re shocked, too.) If that bothers you, just fast forward to “Randy, Rice, or Rooney” at the end.

We also find out the history of the Gimlet cocktail, and how it was created by a conspiracy of British sailors and lime juice merchants. Damn limeys.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Gimlet

MixMa$ter Therm was out of town for this one, so until he engineers the “perfect” version, we’re presenting you with two classic recipes.

“Classic” Gimlet

  • 5 parts gin
  • 1 part simple syrup
  • 1 part lime juice

Combine all the damn ingredients in a shaker.  Shake it.  Pour over ice.  It’s that simple.  You can also use Rose’s lime juice if you so choose.  It’s already sweetened, but also has some bitter “peel” flavor inherent, so it balances out.  There are some people who say stir the damn thing.  As far as we can tell, it doesn’t make a big difference in the drink overall, but there’s something about the supercooled shaken version that we enjoy.

Raymond Chandler’s “Long Goodbye” Gimlet

  • 2 parts gin
  • 1 part lime juice
  • 1 part simple syrup

This is exactly how the drink is described in Raymond Chandler’s “The Long Goodbye,” and apparently in the Savoy Cocktail Book as well.  Not exactly the ginniest of Gimlets, but it’s a fun historical oddity.  Shake it if you got it.

OUR DRUNKEN GUEST

Here’s a link to Brian’s page at Reason.com!

And pick up one of his books.  He’s got one of the best book’s on the history of Burning Man, ever.

 

And you want Rose’s Lime Juice?  We got the US and the UK versions!

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LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS – Science, Vermouth & The Robot Uprising


LET’S TALK ABOUT FEELINGS:
Science, Vermouth & The Robot Uprising
with Scientist Ian McEwan

Welcome to the Army’s newest experiment: “Let’s Talk About Feelings!”  A show where we get a little deeper and a little drunker into a topic of choice with our valued guest.  So let’s hear a little more on the future of science in America from scientist Ian McEwan.  (WARNING: What he has to say is way more interesting than what we have to say.)

OTHER WARNING: There are maybe fewer dick jokers per hour in this format.  Just roll with it.

We also get a little deeper into just what the hell is vermouth, anyway.  Do you care?  YES, YOU DO!

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AND OH YEAH, VERMOUTH!

Here’s a little piece from Cocktail God David Wondrich on the Wonders of Vermouth.  Read it, you lazy drunk bastard.
http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/drinks/a22162/why-the-aperitif-0513/

 

NOTE:
Ian wanted to correct a small fact.  It turns out sperm whales do sleep, they just do it in six-to-ten minute increments.

Photographer Captures Incredibly Rare Shot Of Sperm Whales SleepingDid you ever imagine the sperm whales sleeping? How would that look like..? If you still can’t picture that, then let the Swiss photographer Franco Banfi help you out.demilked.com

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THE MANHATTAN SHOW – with Ian McEwan

 

THE MANHATTAN SHOW
with Scientist Ian McEwan

It’s Season Three, you drunken bastards!  Put on your Celebratin’ Pants and get your Manhattan on as we play “Ask a Drunk Scientist” again with our good friend Ian McEwan.  Ian tackles the big questions about robot uprisings, those new planets we can’t get to, and how you can or cannot cross the galaxy in one lifetime.

We also get under the history of the Manhattan cocktail — a drink as illustrious as the city itself — and we don’t shy away from the tough philosophical question:  Dry or sweet?  Bourbon or rye?  What kind of vermouth?  Wait, there are different kinds of vermouth?

Yes, my child, yes there are.

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DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Manhattan
(The MixMa$ter Therm “Perfect” Version)

  • 3 oz Rye Whiskey
  • 1 oz Dry Vermouth
  • 1/2 oz Sweet Vermouth
  • 6 Dashes of Angostura Bitters

The Manhattan is a drink that’s mostly as good as the base ingredients, so don’t chintz out on the whiskey if you can avoid it.  Some people swear that rye is the only proper whiskey for a Manhattan.  We trust these people, more or less, so go with rye and see how you like it.  David Wondrich also says higher proof whiskies make for better Manhattans than their lower-proof cousins.  We definitely trust David Wondrich.  You should also put some effort into the vermouth, but remember, open vermouth bottles go bad in a few days if you don’t refrigerate them, so pick up a half-bottle if you can.

As you’d expect, put all of the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice.  Traditionally, you stir the drink it with a cocktail stirrer.  Some say shaking adds foam, which you don’t want.  Others say if you’ve got foam, you’re using bad ingredients, and besides, shaking is cool.  Best to just go with the stirrer to avoid arguments.

Also traditionally, you should ideally chill the glass for half an hour in the freezer before serving.  Most people don’t really want to plan that far ahead, so just fill the glass with ice cubes and cold water while you’re mixing, then dump that out before you pour the drink.

Garnish with a Luxardo cherry.  Use of a maraschino is a crime punishable by forced exile from the Cocktail Kingdom.  Seriously, if you’ve got no Luxardos, use a lemon peel.

MANHATTAN VARIANTS
Unsurprisingly, there are as many variants of the Manhattans as there are similes to describe the number of variants of the Manhattan.  Some of them are:

  • SWEET MANHATTAN: Bourbon and sweet vermouth.
  • DRY MANHATTAN: Rye and dry vermouth.
  • “PERFECT” MANHATTAN: Rye and 1/2 dry and 1/2 sweet vermouth.
  • METROPOLITAN: Use Brandy instead of whiskey.
  • CUBAN MANHATTAN: The “Perfect” recipe, but substituting dark rum.

THE PLACE FOR SOME LINKS THAT WE’LL PROBABLY ADD TO AS PEOPLE ASK US TO ELABORATE ON STUFF

Here’s an article on that Faster-Than-Light Drive we were talking about.

And the NASA article on all those new planets!

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THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW REDUX – with Jhonen Vasquez


THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW – REDUX
With Jhonen Vasquez
(The Re-Run)
Subscribe on iTunes!

In preparation for Season Three, we’re releasing one of our favorite shows: the 2015 interview with Jhonen Vasquez.  (Creator of Invader ZIM, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and, you know, other stuff.)  This was before the new INVADER ZIM special was announced (yay!), and before Donald Trump fucked up relations with Cuba (asshole!), but it’s still a great interview, and a durn fine cocktail. (Still NSFW, and definitely not safe for kids.)

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ORIGINAL GODDAMN SHOW NOTES!

Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought.  Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix.  Seriously.  So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States.  In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.

Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series.  We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum.  (NSFW as always.  And really not safe for kids.)

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The El Presidente

We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente.  The secret: NO GRENADINE!

MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:

  • 2 parts white rum.  (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
  • 1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
  • 1/2 part orange curacao.

Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass.  Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all.  Drink while you oppress the common people.

Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth!  It goes bad.

But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:

  • 2 parts white rum.
  • 2 parts dry vermouth.
  • 1/2 part orange curacao.
  • Dash of grenadine.

Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would.  Pour in glass.  Drink.  Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.

SOME OF JHONEN’S OFFICIAL INTERNET LOCALES
http://www.questionsleep.com
http://jhonenv.tumblr.com
https://twitter.com/jhonenv

AND SOME OF VASQUEZERY ON AMAZON

AND DON’T FORGET THE “ROBOT OR NOT” PODCAST
https://www.theincomparable.com/robot/

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THE (CHARLES) DICK(ENS) PUNCH CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016

THE CHARLES DICKENS PUNCH
(a.k.a. THE DICK PUNCH)
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2016
with Simon Turkington & Surprise Inside
& Special Guest Bartender MixMa$ter Liz

Another Goddamn Christmas!
2016 has been one big punch in the dick, so why not celebrate it’s end with the Army of Drunks and a punch recipe from Charles Dickens himself?  SPOILER: It involves setting something on fire.  (SECOND SPOILER: Scrooge changes his old curmudgeonly ways!)

Then the drunks whip up a little Christmas magic with Magician Ordinaire Simone Turkington of Mystiki Magic.  Hear how dropping a child into this world made her want to up and learn to become a goddamn magician!   And once again, our trusty improv musical guests  Surprise Inside make up songs as they go along.  We also compare 2016 to other years, find out what’s in Shaw’s Christmas Craw, hear how Vanessa murdered Santa Clause!  Merry Christmas!
Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Charles Dickens Punch
(Taken from an actual recipe Dickens wrote to a friend in the year 18-something)

  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 3 lemons
  • 2 cups rum (Charlie used Smith & Cross)
  • 1 1/4 cups brandy or cognac
  • 5 cups hot water (or black tea)
  • Some kind of bowl or pot that won’t catch on fire.

OK, pay attention here.  Peel the lemons, and throw the peels in a pot or heatproof bowl, along with the sugar.  Rub the peels and the sugar together to release the citrus oil.  (Let it sit for half an hour if you really want the flavors to blend and be “that guy.”)  And the rum and the brandy to the mix, and then… wait for it… set the whole thing on fire.  (Use whatever method of burning things you enjoy.)  Let it burn for three minutes, then cover it with a lid to put the fire out.  Remove the lemon peels, then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons.  (You didn’t throw away the actual lemon meat, did you?  God, you’re an idiot.  Fish them out of the trash or start over.)  Add the water or hot tea, depending on how schmancy you want to be.  If serving it hot, garnish it with lemon or orange wheels and a little nutmeg.  If serving cold, let it cool down a little then pour it over ice.

Serves about 6, we think.

HERE’S THE TEXT FROM DICKENS’ ACTUAL LETTER!
(Which we lifted from the NPR website.)

TO MAKE THREE PINTS OF PUNCH peel into a very strong common basin (which may be broken, in case of accident, without damage to the owner’s peace or pocket) the rinds of three lemons, cut very thin, and with as little as possible of the white coating between the peel and the fruit, attached. Add a double-handfull [sic] of lump sugar (good measure), a pint of good old rum, and a large wine-glass full of brandy — if it not be a large claret-glass, say two. Set this on fire, by filling a warm silver spoon with the spirit, lighting the contents at a wax taper, and pouring them gently in. [L]et it burn for three or four minutes at least, stirring it from time to Time. Then extinguish it by covering the basin with a tray, which will immediately put out the flame. Then squeeze in the juice of the three lemons, and add a quart of boiling water. Stir the whole well, cover it up for five minutes, and stir again. At this crisis (having skimmed off the lemon pips with a spoon) you may taste. If not sweet enough, add sugar to your liking, but observe that it will be a little sweeter presently. Pour the whole into a jug, tie a leather or coarse cloth over the top, so as to exclude the air completely, and stand it in a hot oven ten minutes, or on a hot stove one quarter of an hour.  Keep it until it comes to table in a warm place near the fire, but not too hot. If it be intended to stand three or four hours, take half the lemon-peel out, or it will acquire a bitter taste.  The same punch allowed to cool by degrees, and then iced, is delicious. It requires less sugar when made for this purpose. If you wish to produce it bright, strain it into bottles through silk. These proportions and directions will, of course, apply to any quantity.
 – SOURCE : Letter from Charles Dickens to “Mrs. F.” (Amelia Austin Filloneau), January 18, 1847

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS
Simone Turkington is one half of the Tiki-themed magical duo Mystiki Magic!  You can find them on Facebook and Instagram, and the often play at the goddamn Magic Castle in Hollywood.  She also co-hosts the Dongtini Podcast over on feral audio.

Simone Turkington: The left half of Mystiki Magic.

Surprise Inside can be found on Facebook, and doing regular “Improv Karaoke” gigs around Los Angeles.

Josh Kamensky and Scott Passarella of Surprise Inside at Drunkstudios, Pasadena.

O COME ALL YE A-HOLES (lyrics)

O come all ye a-holes
Joyless and pedantic
O Come ye, O come ye to Methlehem.

Come [unintelligible]
For the [unintelligible]
O come let us abhor him,
O come let us backdoor him,
O come ye [unintelligible]
Christ, I’m bored!

HERE’S VANESSA’S GODDAMN CHRISTMAS HAT!

A middle finger to decency.

AND YES, CANDY CORN OREOS ARE TRAGICALLY REAL.

Another middle finger to decency.

AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MIXMA$TER LIZ LIGHT THE PUNCH ON FIRE…
Apparently you have to actually click this link below because WordPress is too stupid to just embed the damn thing.
IMG_1574.MOV

We should migrate to SquareSpace.  We really should.

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2016 DRUNKEN CALIFORNIA BALLOT GUIDE

DRUNK PEOPLE WALK YOU THROUGH THE CALIFORNIA STATE BALLOT MEASURES!

Army of Drunks 2016 Election Special
Army of Drunks 2016 Election Special!

2016 Election Special Drunk Guide to California State Ballot Propositions!!

With Josh Kamensky
& Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden
SUBSCRIBE ON iTUNES here!

ELECTION SPECIAL!  (If you live in California, anyway.  Everyone else, DO NOT LISTEN!  Seriously.  Unless other people’s state measures really make you horny.)

Yes, we can be educational sometimes.

Confused by the California state ballot propositions?  Hey, so are we!  So we decided to invite comedy ‘n’ government guy Josh Kamensky — of Surprise Inside — to walk us through ’em after our last show.  Joining us is guest host Aydrea Walden of The Oreo Experience, who was still waiting around for her ride.  So come with us on a magical, drunken, totally-biased* journey through the wonderland we call STATE GOVERNMENT!

*Yes, this ballot guide is not exactly objective, but we respect your right to think we’re wrong.

And make sure you download-n-print your ARMY OF DRUNKS CALIFORNIA VOTER GUIDE so you can score at home!  Now in two convenient formats!

PDF – ARMY OF DRUNKS HARD-TO-READ PRINTABLE 2016 CALIFORNIA BALLOT GUIDE!
JPG – ARMY OF DRUNKS HARD-TO-READ PRINTABLE 2016 CALIFORNIA BALLOT GUIDE!

DRINK, LEARN, VOTE, REPEAT!


SUBSCRIBE ON iTUNES here!

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THE CORPSE REVIVER SHOW


THE CORPSE REVIVER SHOW

With Mortician Amber Carvaly
& Special Guest Host Aydrea Walden
& Guest Bartender James Slay
Subscribe on iTunes here!

Welcome to our Halloween show!  And how better to celebrate the season of spooks, costume parties, and candy comas than by plunging headlong into death!  Our guest is Amber Carvaly (Undertaking LA), a mortician with a mission to bring the funeral back into the hands of the bereaved and away from corporate casket-dealing bastards, and we get in deep conversation about death, dying, and whether you should be buried with your keno chips.

And our drink is the Corpse Reviver, versions number one and (the more common) number two, a class of drink as old as the 19th century, but brought into popularity by one man during prohibition.  We try both the old-school brandy-based beverage, and the more brunch-friendly gin-and-lemon version.   Which will revive a corpse faster?  You be the judge!

And with us again is special guest host Aydrea Walden, creator of The Oreo Experience blog, and guest bartender James Slay… Because Spork and Therm are dead!  (Alert Bela Lugosi.) (NSFW as always.)

Subscribe on iTunes here!

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Corpse Reviver no. 1 
(The olde-timey one.)

  • 2 parts Cognac
  • 1 part Calvados or Apple Brandy
  • 1 part Sweet Vermouth

Stir ingredients together with ice.  Pour into a cocktail glass, or if you’re appropriately schmancy, a coupe glass.  Administer to easy the hangover.

The Corpse Reviver no. 2
(The citrusy bunch-friendly one)

  • One part (or 3/4 oz) Gin
  • One part(or 3/4 oz) Cointreau or Curacoa
  • One part (or 3/4 oz) Lillet Blanc
  • One part (or, wait for it… 3/4 oz) Lemon Juice
  • One dash Absinthe

Strain all the ingredients together into a shaker with ice.  Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.  Drink.  And to quote Harry Craddock, inventor of the Corpse Reviver no. 2, “Four of these taken in quick succession will unrevive the corpse again.”

OUR DRUNKEN GUESTS

Amber Carvaly can be found at Undertaking L.A. and at the Order of the Good Death.

Aydrea Walden can be found at The Oreo Experience blog.

And James Slay can be found slinging drinks at Barbara’s at the Brewery, and his band The Capgun Holdups can be found in bars around Los Angeles.

BUY THESE BOOKS, YOU LOADIE!

The Savoy Cocktail book by Henry Craddock is an indispensable tome for all lovers of classic cocktails.  A direct reprint of the original 1930 volume, this book is home to the original recipe for the Corpse Revivers no. 1&2, as well as dozens of prohibition-era drinks.  Drink like you’re historic, man!


Amber Carvaly’s partner in crime at Undertaking L.A. is Caitlin Doughty, founder of the Order of the Good Death, and one of the foremost advocates for a more natural approach to caring for the dead.  Her book Smoke Gets in Your Eyes recounts her time working in a crematorium.  Damn, it’s fascinating.

 

copyright ©2016 Army of Drunks

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SUMMER TIKI SPECIAL 2016

SUMMER TIKI SPECIAL 2016
Featuring the Mai Tai and Singapore Sling
With Comedian Katie Massa
Subscribe on iTunes here!

It’s August!  What better time for lounging by the pool and getting drunk as a Hawaiian sunset?  We’ve been away for a while, but before this long hot summer passes into misty memory, the Drunks have brought you an extra special, extra-extended parade of TIKI, damn it!

We plumb the Pacific depths of the only genre of cocktails spawned from a theme restaurant.  Learn how Don the Beachcomber unwittingly founded the Tiki movement in pre-WWII California, and how competitor Trader Vic took it nation-wide from — believe it nor not — Oakland.   Then learn the history of the MAI TAI, the flagship tiki cocktail, and the SINGAPORE SLING, an outside-the-Polynesian-triangle addition to the tiki pantheon.

Matt Shaw also tells us about his distillery tour of Scotland.  Yes, someone let Matt Shaw loose in the land where they make scotch.  Katie Massa tells us how People are Horrible™. Buck expounds on what it means to get “Tiki Drunk.”   We solve the urgent riddle of Zsa Zsa Gabor: alive or dead? And we play “Name That Sex Act: Trump Edition.”  (NSFW as always.)

Subscribe on iTunes here!

Or listen directly here!

BUT FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS!  THIS GODDAMN BOOK!
Before we go too far, this is the flat-out amazing Tiki book we referenced during the show, Smuggler’s Cove by Martin Cate and Rebecca Cate.  It goes deep into the kelp on the true origins of all the Polynesian cocktails you sort-of know and think you probably would love if you could only try one.   It also contains the ORIGINAL MAI TAI recipe we tried.  (We’d post it here, but we don’t want to deny Martin & Rebecca their hard-earned book royalties.)   If you love Tiki as much as you love life itself, or even slightly less, go buy it right now!

And if you need your bad self some good Tiki mugs, we used this plucky little set.

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Mai Tai!

  • 1 oz (2 tablespoons) dark rum
  • 1 oz (2 tablespoons) amber rum
  • 2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
  • 1/2 oz (1 tablespoon) Cointreau (or triple sec or Curaçao)
  • 1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
  • 1 teaspoon orgeat syrup  (or 1 drop pure almond extract)
  • 1 teaspoon superfine granulated sugar
  • Dash of grenadine
  • Garnish: an orange slice, or Lime rind and mint sprig

Shake all of the ingredients with ice, pour into a highball glass with a straw.  Or a tiki glass, or a Tiki mug if you want to go full-Tiki.

Note: Martin Cate suggests you add the juice of half a fresh lime after the pour, to keep it from over-liming the whole drink.  YMMV.  There’s also some debate over the proper garnish.  Apparently the classic Mai Tai uses a mint sprig with the lime rind, while the more modern Tiki-slinger can go with an orange slice, or any of the usual Tiki umbrella/fruit combos.

DRINK MORE AT HOME!
The Singapore Sling!

  • 1 1⁄2 ounces gin
  • 1⁄2 ounce cherry heering
  • 1⁄4 ounce Cointreau liqueur
  • 1⁄4 ounce benedictine
  • 4 ounces pineapple juice
  • 1⁄2 ounce lime juice
  • 1⁄3 ounce grenadine
  • 1 dash bitters

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with shakable ice.  Strain into a highball glass or Tiki mug.  Garnish with whatever festive Tiki regalia you have at your disposal.  (But anything involving pineapple never hurts.)

FINALLY, THE COCONUT!
From the Gentleman Callers of Los Angeles

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THE COBBLER SHOW – with James Slay

The Army of Drunks Cobbler ShowTHE COBBLER SHOW
With James Slay
Actual Goddamn Bartender

We should have done this a long time ago. This week the Army of Drunks sits down with an actual goddamn bartender to hear what life is like behind the counter.   Warning: it can suck to be on the other side of you when you’re ordering a drink.

While we hear war stories from behind the bar, we investigate the Cobbler, the first American cocktail to take the world by storm in the 18th century, thanks two the combination of sherry, ice and — believe it or goddamn not — the invention of the straw.  Listen as we get old-tymie loaded on both the original Sherry Cobbler, which liked you’d expect is made with sherry, and the D Cobbler, which upgrades to whiskey and ginger ale.  (NSFW as always.)

Subscribe on iTunes here!

Or Listen Directly here!

During the show, James educates us on William Schmidt, one of the first cocktail book authors in America.  In fact, here he is!  Look into his steely, whiskey-burned gaze as you think about what booze awaits you.

IMG_0139
William Stinkin’ Schmidt!

 

 

 

Remember, William is an innocent, but his mustache stands in judgement of you and all you’ve done… or failed to do… in this life.

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Narragansett Cobbler

  • Whole Peel of Orange
  • Juice of one Orange
  • One “jigger” whiskey (we used Canadian whiskey)
  • One Bottle of Ginger Ale (though you won’t need the whole thing)
  • Cracked Ice
  • Berries to Garnish this Sucker
  • A Paper Straw (if you’re going to be traditional about it)
If you’re going to be a badass like MixMa$ter Therm, start by taking off the entire peel of one orange in one piece.  Good luck with that.  Put the peel artfully spiraled in a collins glass.  Add the juice of the orange, a jigger of whiskey, fill the rest with ice, and top off with ginger ale.  Then garnish it with berries, because it makes you look all-Martha-Stewart ‘n’ shit.  (And really, it makes the drink look gorgeous.) Drink through a straw, a paper one if you’re going to be historically accurate.
AND AS LONG AS YOU’RE SIPPING HISTORY, ALSO TRY…
The Sherry Cobbler
  • 4 oz. Dry Sherry (everyone says go for amantillado)
  • 1/2 tsp simple syrup or 1 tbs sugar
  • 2 or 3 Orange Slices
  • Cracked Ice
  • Berries and/or Mint to Garnish it to Glory
  • A Goddamn Paper Straw
Muddle the orange slices and the sugar/syrup in a mixing glass.  Add the sherry and ice, then shake like a bucking mule.  Strain into a collins glass over more cracked ice.  Garnish that sucker with berries and a paper straw.  Pretend you’re in The Music Man.

BUY WILLIAM SCHMIDT’S BOOK!

AND CHECK OUT THE CAPGUN HOLDUPS!

SOME GODDAMN PHOTOS FROM THE RECORDING SESSION – ORANGE SLAUGHTER & SUPER MARIO!

Therm and the Mobius Peel.

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Special Guest Super Mario!

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THE BOURBON & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SHOW – with Linda Williamson

 

AOD_Bourbon_and_Cookies_show_slug_SMALLTHE BOURBON & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES SHOW
With Linda Williamson
Writer for L.A. Weekly, L.A. Times & L.A. Magazine

NSFW. NSFW! Oh, and NSFW!!
We thought this would be a good idea.  We had no idea it would end the way it did.

Bourbon and Girl Scout cookies.  Who would think to pair them? Well, everyone after that little article from the Bourbon Review website went viral.  The difference between us and your questionable friends who posted it on Facebook is that we actually tried it!   We soon discovered half the bourbons the article recommended were either impossible to find or astronomically priced, so we made a few substitutions of our own to make the boozy picnic possible.  Then we invited writer Linda Williamson — author of the L.A. Weekly article “Girl Scout Cookies: Sugar, God & Questionable Math Skills” — to bring her own unique opinions about Thin Mints.

That part went all right.  Delightful, even.  It was what came late that we have to apologize for.  We are very, very sorry for how the show wound up, and we promise to never, ever do it again. Really. (NSFW as always.)

Subsribe on iTunes here!

Or listen directly here!

READ THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE IN THE BOURBON REVIEW. 
http://www.gobourbon.com/bourbon-girl-scout-cookie-pairings/

AND HERE’S LINDA’S L.A. WEEKLY STORY “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES: SUGAR, GOD & QUESTIONABLE MATH SKILLS”
http://www.laweekly.com/restaurants/girl-scout-cookies-sugar-god-questionable-math-skills-2897127

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Here are the bourbon & cookie pairings we tried:

  • Thin Mints & Basil Hayden’s
  • Peanut Butter Sandwiches* & Johnny Drum by Willet
  • Shortbreads & Maker’s 46**
  • Samoas / Carmel Delites & Russel’s Reserve***

* This is supposed to be paired with Peanut Butter Patties, not sandwiches, but our Girl Scout screwed up. Honestly, it would have worked much better with the proper cookie.  We blame ourselves, but only because it looks bad to blame Girl Scouts for anything.

** The Bourbon Review recommended Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20-Year Old for this pairing.  Simply clicking that link will explain why we didn’t use it.  (Yeah, it must be great being a bourbon review site and getting $2,500 bottles of out-of-circulation whiskey for free.)  We substitued the Maker’s 46 because of its oaky flavor.

*** The Bourbon Review paired this with Angel’s Envy Rye.  It’s rare, and the local liquor store was asking about $200 for a bottle of it.   We substituted Russel’s Reserve for its sweet overtones.  It’s a durn fine bourbon for the price.

MixMa$ter Therm has lined up the best thing to get mommy through that protracted Scout meeting.
MixMa$ter Therm has lined up the best thing to get mommy through that protracted Scout meeting.

SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN?
All of the pairings were interesting, some were a little more desserty than others, but the biggest straight-up home-run was Russel’s Reserve and Samoas.  We’d recommend that to you or any Girl Scout who grew up and got sassy.  Shortbreads and Maker’s 46 also made a nice combination for someone who’s feeling more refined about their booze-and-cookie habit.

We also discovered that dunking Thin Mints in Maker’s 46 is embarrassingly delicious.  The mint puts you in the mind of the bourbon and mint combination of a mint julep, and the chocolate cools out the heat of the Maker’s, while reminding you that you’re a goddamn grown-up drinking expensive bourbon with a six-year-old’s favorite milk-time treat.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Don’t let any serious bourbon aficionado catch you doing it.  (Though, really, you can’t run your life by what aficionados think.  Seriously, are you gonna let an aficionado push you around?)

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THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW – with Andy Hermann

AOD_Ziggy_Stardus_slug_small_OriginalPhoto-474781043.117197THE ZIGGY STARDUST SHOW
With Andy Hermann
Music editor for the Los Angeles Weekly

Yes, unless you’ve been buried under a man who fell to earth for the past month, you know that David Bowie recently passed on to the great unknown.  In celebration of the groundbreaking alien rock star, the Drunks present a tribute show with L.A Weekly music editor Andy Hermann while drinking the Ziggy Stardust, a drink as complex as Bowie himself.  (And the first Army of Drunks cocktail that could actually burn the place down.)

WARNING: We get loaded, pretentious, and all-kinds-of-serious about Bowie and his music, but we still have plenty of comedy-ha-ha-good-times as Spork recounts her tale of getting pelted with eggs in Havana on New Years Eve, we play “Bowie or Bizkit,” and we delve deep to find out what’s in Shaw’s craw.

Oh, and for those of you Bowie virgins out there, don’t worry, Buck gives his list of where to start listening.  (Or go ahead and worry.  See if we care.)  But you can scroll down to buy the albums on our Amazon Store.

(And the show is NSFW as always.)

Subscribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Ziggy Stardust

  • 4 oz Vodka
  • 1 oz Creme de Violette
  • 2 dashes Orange Bitters
  • 1/2 oz Goldschlager
  • Sprinkle of Cinnamon
  • Fire

Combine vodka, violette and bitters in a cocktail shaker with ice.  Shake and pour into a martini glass.  Pour the Goldschlager into a shot glass and light on fire.  Sprinkle cinnamon over the flame and watch it sparkle like Ziggy Stardust himself.  Then pour into a glass and drink, reminding yourself that the world is over four billion years old, and you were lucky enough to live at the same time as David Bowie.

The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)
The Ziggy Stardust in Progress. Notice the heart-shaped flame. (photo by Kevin Rolly)

OUR HONORED GUEST
Andy Hermann is the kick-ass music editor for the Los Angeles weekly.  Read more about him here.

Andy’s listicle tribute to David Bowie — 10 Reasons Why David Bowie Was Our Weirdest Rock Star — is here.

AND WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT…
Ann Power’s NPR piece on David Bowie — Reflections of a Bowie Girl — can be found here.

Henry Rollins’ L.A. Weekly review of Bowie’s Blackstar is definitely worth a look here.

DAVID BOWIE’S MUSIC
We mentioned a few albums on the show, and Buck’s list of the three albums to start on are:
Hunky Dory (1971)
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (1972)
Aladdin Sane (1973)
To that, Andy added:
Let’s Dance (1983)
That oughtta get you started.  We also discussed:
David Bowie (1967) his first album
Blackstar (2016) his final album

All of this is available in the Drunken Music section of the Army of Drunks Amazon store.  GO THERE NOW!

AS PROMISED, HERE’S A PICTURE OF SPORK IN THE STREETS OF HAVANA ON NEW YEARS

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Spork Represents the USA in Havana on New Years.

FINALLY, A RARE PHOTO OF THE DRUNKS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

The Drunks in their Natural Habitat. (left to right, Shaft, Buck Down, Spork, Matt Shaw, guest Andy Hermann, MixMa$ter Therm. Photo by Kevin Rolly.)
left to right, Shaft, Buck Down, Spork, Matt Shaw, guest Andy Hermann, MixMa$ter Therm. (photo by Kevin Rolly.)

show copyright ©2016, Army of Drunks

 

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THE WASSAIL CHRISTMAS SPECIAL – with Jon Alloway and Surprise Inside

AOD Wassail_show_slug_SMALL_OriginalPhoto-472277550.014627THE WASSAIL SHOW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!
With Jon Alloway, musical guest Surprise Inside, and the Army of Drunks’ Tiny Audience!

Ever been Wassailing?  Well don’t.  It’s based on a horrible drink made of eggs, lager, wine, and Dickensian despair.  But it’s Christmas, and we get drunk on it so you don’t have to!

Welcome to the Army of Drunks Christmas Special!  Forget the bullshit “War on Christmas,” we’re going after Santa, more specifically, the SantaCon Rampage, a once-proud tradition of culture jamming now filthy with hipsters and douchebags!  Join us as we sit down with Jon Alloway, a veteran of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society as he tells us about the Krampus Run, a new tradition that celebrates St. Nicholas’ evil goat-headed partner in crime.

Also, all-improv band Surprise Inside regales us with christmas songs whipped-up-right-there-on-the-spot.  We welcome our first Tiny Audience.  And we learn what’s the only thing that can stop a bad Santa with a gun.

Warning: Contains Star Wars spoilers. Suck it, Bantha.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

OriginalPhoto-472280375.640787
The horror of wassail.

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
Don’t.

Just don’t.  We tried a big steaming bowl of Wassail on the show, and we don’t recommend the experience for anything.  It’s like drinking a glass of German cinnamon omelette.  However… If you insist on drinking where angels fear to tread,  MixMa$ter Therm recommends Alton Brown’s recipe.  We are linking to it here.  The rest is on your head.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/wassail-recipe.html

HERE’S A LINK TO L.A.’s KRAMPUS GROUP
https://www.facebook.com/groups/krampuslosangeles

AND SURPRISE INSIDE’S PAGE
(They do improv karaoke events at the UCB Theater on Sunset.)
https://www.facebook.com/SurpriseInside/

A TRAILER FOR JON ALLOWAY’S CACOPHONY SOCIETY DOCUMENTARY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4MC2Ng1BDE

SIX SANTAS FIGHTING ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK!

AND CHECK OUT KRAMMPSTEIN, THE KRAMPUS METAL BAND
https://www.facebook.com/krammpstein
Krampus IMG_3760

 

 

Merry Krampmas, one and all!

Drunk Santa
Drunk Santa
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THE OLD FASHIONED SHOW HOLIDAY REDUX – with Johnny Amerika

AOD_Old Fashioned_Holiday Slug_smal_IMG_3740

OLD FASHIONED SHOW – HOLIDAY REDUX!

With Johnny Amerika

Holiday time is upon us, and as the Drunks gear up for Season Two, we regift a show from Season One, now with added fruitcakery!  MixMa$ter Therm tells you how to make your own Holiday Five-Actually-Seven-Spice Liqueur to give as a gift to the ones you claim to love!

Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today.  We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

 

MIXMA$TER THERM’S HOLIDAY FIVE-ACTUALLY-SEVEN-SPICE LIQUEUR!
Infusing liqueur is  a (sometimes) cheap and (always) easy way to create a gift that makes you look a like an artisan badass.  MixMa$ter Therm set out to concoct a booze based on the original “Chinese Five Spice” spice mix, and two extra spices later had a perfect Christmas liquor for getting loaded under the tree.  You will need:

  • 1 oz. cinnamon stick(s)
  • 1 oz. whole cloves
  • 1 oz. star anis
  • 1 oz. fennel seeds
  • 1 oz. black pepper corns
  • 1 oz. whole nutmeg
  • 1 oz. whole allspice
  • 1.75 liter bottle of vodka
  • Approximately 2 cups simple syrup (1 part sugar to 1 part water)

REGARDING THE SPICES – Yes, we suggest buying them whole, not ground.  It’s not the cheapest way to go, but you’ll have enough left over to make gallons of the stuff if you want.

Holiday Seven Spice Liqueur_small OriginalPhoto-470515979.008200Measure out 1 oz. each of the spices and put them in a big pile.  Mash the cinnamon sticks and the nutmeg if you want, but otherwise toss everything in a frying pan and toast it up over the stove.  (That means just heating them up for a few minutes while you toss them around in the pan.  NO STINKIN’ OIL!)

Coax all of those spices into a big-ass bottle of vodka and let it sit for about three days.  Be sure to turn the bottle over a few times once or twice a day to keep them flavors mixin’!   When the three days are up, strain out all of the spice through a fine strainer or a loose coffee filter or the powers of your mind or something.  (And yeah, you’ll need a big bowl to dump all of this Christmas-tasting liquor into.)

Add simple syrup to taste, but we found a 1-to-4 syrup-to-vodka ratio worked quite well.  This would be about 2 cups of simple syrup for 1.75 liters of infused vodka.  Sip along the way to make sure you’ve done it right, and to make the time pass faster.

Pour your finished liqueur into smaller bottles, slap home-made labels on them that read “Annie’s Secret Christmas Cheer Elf Potion” or something equally f***ing adorable, and give them out to anyone you want to impress.  Sit back and reap the holiday benefits, or just get drunk on pure Christmas magic!

AND NOW FOR THE SHOW NOTES…

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Whiskey Old-Fashioned

  • 2 oz. bourbon or rye.  (Or a mix.  We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
  • 1 sugar cube.  (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
  • Angostura bitters
  • Orange slice and/or peel
  • One non-marchino cherry (optional)

Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters.  (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.)  Muddle it.  Pour in the booze.  Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry.  DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT!  Serve like you mean it.

MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
AOD_Therm_Eggnog_IMG_3737

Here’s Johnny’s  trebuchet commercial.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbG9i1oGPA

And the story of Marvin Heemeyer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvin_Heemeyer

 

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THE WHITE RUSSIAN SHOW – with Aydrea Walden

AOD_White_Russian_Show_Slug_SMALL_IMG_2969THE WHITE RUSSIAN SHOW
With Aydrea Walden
(Author of The Oreo Experience)

The White Russian?  Is it more than just a Black Russian with cream?  Actually, no.  But just like “cream” can mean the difference between an NC-17 and X rating, the mighty dairy product does something special that takes this cocktail to a sweeter and sweatier place.

Join us as we explore the details of the White Russian, and since we really covered the Black Russian in another show, also discuss the details of the 1985 film “White Nights,” with Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov.

But our real star is Aydrea Walden, author of “The Oreo Experience” blog, and creator of the stage show of the same name.  Aydrea regales us with tales of growing up as a self-described “Oreo,” or “total whitey trapped in a black chick’s body,” why it was impossible to convince her white peers in a Texas high school that no, she did not like “Boys II Men,” and how she still can make an East Coast W.A.S.P. uncomfortable.

We also discover a how you, too, can go to an actual bathroom in the middle of a lake, play “Which is Whiter?” and find out what’s in Shaw’s Craw.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The White Russian

  • 5 parts (or 2.5 oz) vodka
  • 3 parts (or 1.5 oz) Kahlua or coffee liqueur
  • 1 part (or 1 oz) cream or half-and half
  • Ice (duh)

The biggest point of contention in all White Russian recipes is the balance of ingredients.  After some experimentation, MixMa$ter Therm determined the 5-3-1 of vodka to Kahlua to cream seems to be the optimal combination.  Fill a glass with ice, add the vodka and the Kahlua, stir affectionately, then add the cream on the top.  Drink while imagining you’re as cool as anything that happened in The Big Lebowski.

CHECK OUT AYDREA WALDEN’S WORK!
The Oreo Experience Blog
The Oreo Experience Live Show

THE CROWLEY LAKE FLOATING OUTHOUSE
No photographic records exist of this outhouse, leading us to believe that is really is a supernatural phenomenon.

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THE MOJITO SHOW – with Clifton James Weaver III

AOD_Mojito_show_slug_small_IMG_2414THE MOJITO SHOW
With Clifton James Weaver III
(aka DJ Soft Touch)

What’s the “Song of the Summer” for 2015?  Damn us to Pharrell Hell if we know, kids!  Popular music has failed us, so we sit down with one of L.A.’s most accomplished funk and soul DJs, Clifton James Weaver, and tap his encyclopedic knowledge of groove before August slips away.

We also sit back and sip on the Mojito, Cuba’s most enduring contribution beyond cigars and a stream of angry expatriates to Florida.  Discover the drink that started as a cure for dysentery and ended up as one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorites!

And: Could Ike Turner beat up Ché Guevara? (NSFW as always.)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Mojito

  • 3/4 oz lime juice
  • 1 3/4 tsp superfine sugar
  • 2 oz white rum
  • 4 oz club soda
  • 4 mint leaves (or more)

First muddle the mint leaves with the sugar and lime juice in a tall glass.  (If you don’t have a professional-grade muddler, you can use a spoon.  If you do have a professional muddler, congratulations on a good use of your discretionary income.)  Add the white rum, top off with soda water, garnish with more mint and/or lime slices, drink with a straw, write novel, plan revolution.  Repeat.

MIXMA$TER THERM’S MOJITO CALCULATIONS
Therm's Mojito Chart CROPPED IMG_3568

CLIFTON JAMES WEAVER ON THE WEB
Clifton’s Corner at Aquarium Drunkard
Snap, Crackle and Bop on Punk Aristocrats
Jump + Dance Radio
Funky Sole at the Echo on Facebook
Clifton’s Facebook Page

OUR PLAYLIST FOR THE NIGHT
Keep on Shining – Curtis Harding
Move On Up – Curtis Mayfield
Check Your Bucket  – Eddie Bo
Sex Machine – Get Up with Dancer
Kelen Kati Leen – Orchestra Baobab
Got a Thing on My Mind– Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
Vehicle – Orquesta Cubana de Musica Moderna

All of these songs can be found on Amazon at The Army’s Drunk Music Store!
(So hey, music lawyers, please don’t give us a take-down order.)

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THE SAZERAC SHOW – with Ian McEwan

sazerac show slug_small_IMG_2475THE SAZERAC SHOW
With Ian McEwan
(“The Drunken Scientist”)

“Ask a Drunken Scientist!”  That’s what we wanted to do.  Don’t ask us why, because we have no reasonable explanation, but fortunately for us, we found Ian McEwan, and after a few cocktails he was willing to answer all of our questions from quantum theory to climate-change deniers to whether the U.S.S. Enterprise could beat up an Imperial Star Destroyer.

We also get into the history of the Sazerac cocktail, a sweet-and-herbal rye concoction invented in 1800s New Orleans ostensibly as a way for a local pharmacist to sell his bitters.  (Man, have we really gotten that cynical?)  If you ever wondered how Peycahud’s bitters got their start, listen up here.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Sazerac

  • 2 oz Rye.
  • 1/2 oz simple syrup or 1 sugar cube.
  • 2-3 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters.
  • About 1/2 oz Absinthe — or Herbsaint — to rinse the glass.
  • Lemon peel for garnish.
  • Ice

Tradition has it the Sazerac is created in two old-fashioned glasses.  Chill one glass by filling it with ice.  In the other, mash the sugar cube up with a few dashes of bitters (or just use simple syrup if mashing doesn’t agree with you.)  Add the rye stir.  In the other glass, get rid of the ice and give it a rinse of absinthe.  Herbsaint will work if you can’t find absinthe, though let’s face it, if you can get your hands on Herbsaint, you can probably find absinthe with no trouble.  Pour the rye mixture into the glass and add ice.  Garnish with a lemon peel.  Serve.  Drink.  Repeat.

By the way, when choosing a rye, you do not need to use the “official” Sazerac brand rye.  Any smooth rye will do, or even an angry rye if you’re in the mood.

Original Brandy Sazerac Variant
The Sazerac was originally made with brandy, so it’s can be a fun experiment to mix one up  using the classic wine spirit instead of rye.  If you do, halve the amount of sugar or simple syrup you use, because brandy is sweet enough as it is.  Serve with a sense of historical smugness.

Thanks to Topline Wine for the Rye Report!
www.toplinewine.com

Get your Peychaud’s Bitters!

And here’s a link to The Lawnmower Man, because you must never forget this chapter of our cinematic heritage.

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Short: 1990s – (Redeeming) THE APPLETINI

AOD_1990s_Appletini_show_slug_small_IMG_1985Short: 1990s – (Redeeming) The Appletini
with the Army of Drunks!

Ah, the 1990s!  A time of transition between the sugary concoctions of the 80s and the more mature cocktails of times to come.  Where candy-flavored “bullshitinis” ruled the high-end drink menus of bars all over America.  We dive face-first into the Jolly Rancher-green Appletini and survive.  How?  Through the ingenuity of MixMa$ter Therm and his genuinely-worthy Apple Martini recipe.  Along the way, we get to know the drink nobody wants to take credit for, except maybe some guy named Adam Carston.  Listen and be amazed!  (NSFW as always.)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Classic Bullshit Appletini Recipe That Will Make You Popular With College Kids

  • 2 parts vodka
  • 1 part sour apple pucker
  • 3 parts shame (If genuine shame is available, you should not be serving this drink.)
  • Apple slice for garnish

Put all ingredients in a shaker with ice.  Shake.  Pour toxic green mixture in glass.  Garnish with apple slice.  Serve to under-age sorority girl.  Drink.  Realize what you’ve done.  Cry bitter tears.  Scrape sugar from lips.

The MixMa$ter Therm Variation That’s Genuinely Good

  • 4 parts vodka
  • 1 part calvados
  • 1 part unfiltered apple juice
  • 1/2 part cointreau
  • Apple slice for garnish

Put all ingredients in a shaker with ice.  (Except the apple slice.  It’s a garnish, and you’re smarter than that, friend.)  Shake like you mean it.  Pour into a chilled glass.  Garnish with the apple.  Sip confidently knowing you’ve graduated to the next level, and those green Appletini Goblins can never hurt you again.

Finally, Who the F*** is Adam Carston?
http://bfy.tw/tQZ

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THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW – with Jhonen Vasquez (extended cut)

AOD_El_Presidente_Show_Slug_IMG_2143THE EL PRESIDENTE SHOW
With Jhonen Vasquez
(Extended Cut)

Yeah, we were going to do a show about the Zombie, but it turns out that’s way more complicated than we thought.  Seriously, no two recipes are alike on that cocktail, and one of them involves cooking up your own spice mix.  Seriously.  So in honor of re-opening relations with Cuba, we present a cocktail that was founded in Havanah during prohibition and crossed that small patch of ocean to the United States.  In the process we learn they never should have added the goddamn grenadine.

Our quest is Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist and creator of the INVADER ZIM cartoon series.  We talk a little about the new INVADER ZIM comic, and talk a lot about other random things like robots, murder, horror movies, the glorious absurdity of adults being stupid for a living, and how to rule with an iron scrotum.  (NSFW as always.  And really not safe for kids.)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The El Presidente

We went through a couple of recipes until we found what we think is the optimal version of the El Presidente.  The secret: NO GRENADINE!

MixMa$ter Therm’s Optimal Presidente:

  • 2 parts white rum.  (Something better than Bacardi if you can find it.)
  • 1 part dry vermouth. (Dolin white is the most recommended.)
  • 1/2 part orange curacao.

Shake all ingredients in a shaker, like you do, and pour into a chilled glass.  Garnish with an orange peel if you have any style at all.  Drink while you oppress the common people.

Oh, and when you’re done… always refrigerate your vermouth!  It goes bad.

But if you insist on trying the more mainstream version:

  • 2 parts white rum.
  • 2 parts dry vermouth.
  • 1/2 part orange curacao.
  • Dash of grenadine.

Shake everything in a shaker with ice, like you would.  Pour in glass.  Drink.  Think about how it would be much better without the grenadine.

SOME OF JHONEN’S OFFICIAL INTERNET LOCALES
http://www.questionsleep.com
http://jhonenv.tumblr.com
https://twitter.com/jhonenv

AND SOME OF VASQUEZERY ON AMAZON

AND DON’T FORGET THE “ROBOT OR NOT” PODCAST
https://www.theincomparable.com/robot/

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FATHER’S DAY SPECIAL

AOD_Fathers_Day_Show_Slug_IMG_2038

FATHER’S DAY SPECIAL
The Whisky and Pancakes Challenge
with Rev. Roemer and Mike & Kevin from Topline Wine

This one’s unusual.  In honor of Father’s Day, we magically weave together two remote segments.  In one, we offer up a buyer’s guide for the children of booze-loving fathers courtesy of the good folks at Topline Win in Glendale, CA.  In the other, we lock ourselves in DuPar’s bar and pancake house and see which gets to us first: the booze or the tall stack.  Don’t ask why.

Either way, it’s a magical journey I’m sure you and your father will enjoy, though probably not together, because that would be too much to ask.  (NSFW as always.)

Subscribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

If you live in Los Angeles, check out TOPLINE WINE!
http://www.toplinewine.com/
http://www.yelp.com/biz/topline-wine-and-spirit-co-glendale-2

And be sure to get loaded at DuPar’s!
http://www.yelp.com/biz/du-pars-restaurant-and-bakery-pasadena

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Short: 1980s – THE SEX ON THE BEACH

AOD_Sex on the Beach_show_slug_small_IMG_1618Short: 1980s – The Sex on the Beach
with the Army of Drunks

Why are we doing this?  Really, why are we doing this?  The 80s.  Was it the beginning of institutionalized Spring Break drinking, or did it just seem that way because everyone was young and drunk?   We take no steps toward finding out, but we do drive head-first into the Sex on the Beach cocktail.  And if it makes you feel any better, we don’t enjoy it.

And if you can create one cocktail after an embarrassing Spring Break indiscretion, can you create more?  Find out as we reverse-engineer awkward sex acts into cocktail recipes.  And remember, Alcohol Jesus is watching over us all.

Subscribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Sex on the Beach

Pour everthing in a big glass with ice.  Stir.  Drink.  Throw dignity down toilet.  Repeat.

OPTIONAL MIXMA$TER THERM VARIATIONS
MixMa$ter Therm came up with a couple of variants to make to make the drink a little more palatable.

  • Variant One: Replace the Peach schnapps with Cointreau.
  • Variant Two: Replace the Peach schnapps with a float of Galliano.

OTHER SPRING BREAK SEX-ACT COCKTAILS!

THE SEX IN A MOTEL6
• Jaegermeister
• Plastic-lined glass
• Small bar of soap

THE BLOWJOB IN A PARKING LOT
• Midori
• Cream.

THE UNCOMFORTABLE THREEWAY
•Goldschlager
•Kahlua
•Coke

THE CONSOLATION HANDY
• Orbitz
• Popov

THE DANCEFLOOR DRY-HUMP
• Red Bull
• Dry Sack Sherry

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THE GIN AND TONIC SHOW – with the Coachella Hippos

AOD Gin and Tonic Show Slug_small_ IMG_1812THE GIN AND TONIC SHOW
With the Coachella Hippos: Vanessa Bonet and Derek Doublin

Summer is coming, and how better to beat back the heat and the malaria-infected mosquitos than with the classic Gin and Tonic?  We dive into the history of the cocktail that kept the British Empire alive and well and pointing guns at East Indians since the 1800s!   And we dive into the variants of botanical gin, tonic, and weird vegetation to stick in the glass.  We also talk with the creators of the strangest, most talked-about phenomenon at Coachella after Madonna’s bad-touch on Drake: The Hippo Corporate Headquarters.  Co-creators Derek Doublin and our own Vanessa “Spork” Bonet take you behind the scenes of the three-story office block populated by out-of-control Hippo businessmen.  Also, we play “Hippo or Axl Rose!”  Can you guess which one helicopters its feces?

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Gin and Tonic

  • Gin – How much?  Less than the tonic.  (See below.)
  • Tonic Water – How much?  More than the gin.  (See below.)
  • Ice
  • Garnish (Lime, Cucumber, Basil leaf, etc.)

We won’t lie.  There seems to be no agreement on the exact ration of gin to tonic in a classic gin and tonic cocktail.  Some suggest 2 oz. gin to 5 oz. tonic water.  Others say 3 oz. gin to 4 oz. tonic water.  Some say just start with a highball glass, throw in some ice, pour in as much gin as you can handle, then fill the rest with tonic water and get on with the drinking.  MixMa$ter Therm settled on a 2:1 tonic:gin ratio, but in this rare case, his numbers aren’t strictly definitive.  We suggest playing around until you find what makes you happy, then enforcing that recipe on your friends.  If they don’t like it, they can make their own damn drinks.

However, like any highball cocktail, the directions are simple.  Start with the ice, add the booze, pour in the mixer and garnsih with the garnishable.  Stir if you feel like doing it right.

GIN AND TONIC VARIANTS!
The biggest determining factor in the flavor of a gin and tonic are the ingredients.  Sure, the well gin and hose-delivered tonic water at your local bar is fine during happy hour, but if you want to really get into the drink, you should spend a little more time picking out your liquids.  Dry gins vs. botanical gins really affect the flavor, and these days you’re not stuck with just your cruddy supermarket tonic water.

You also don’t need to stick to the traditional lime garnish.  “Gin and Tonic” bars are popular in Europe, and they like to mix things up with cucumbers, mint leaves, even grapes.  (Why grapes?  We don’t know.  Maybe Europe knows something we don’t.)

Regardless, here are some variants we tried on the show:

  • Bombay Dry gin (a dry gin, obviously), Fever Tree tonic water (a more flavorful tonic), lime wedge.
  • Hendricks gin (a botanical gin), Q tonic water (a dry tonic water), cucumber spear.
  • Junipero gin (a botanical gin), Fever Tree bitter lemon, basil leaf.  (Really.)

By the way, here’s a Gin and Tonic list from a bar in Iceland.
Icelandic Gin and Tonic List
And amazon has this pretty nice Fever Tree sampler set if you’re interested in sticking your face in what Fever Tree has to offer.

HIPPO CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS

If you missed Hippo Corporate HQ out at Coachella, here’s a whole pile of press!

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/lists/coachella-2015-best-things-we-saw-20150413/best-art-installation-corporate-headquarters-20150413

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/music/la-et-ms-coachella-hippos-20150417-story.html#page=1

http://www.laweekly.com/music/whats-it-like-to-be-a-hippo-inside-corporate-headquarters-at-coachella-5504900

http://www.desertsun.com/story/life/entertainment/music/coachella/2015/04/12/coachella-hippo-art-installation-art/25696007/

And a few disturbing photos:
PHOTO: Timothy Norris, LA WeeklyPhoto: Jon AllowayHippo Party photo by Eric TrueheartHippo Gone WildDerek and Vanessa

OH, AND HERE’S THE CURSED HOTEL CECIL
https://roadtrippers.com/stories/the-history-of-the-cecil-hotel-is-so-dark-and-gory-that-some-say-all-600-rooms-are-cursed?lat=40.83044&lng=-96.70166&z=5 

hotel cecil for shirt article-2281485-182655DB000005DC-70_634x424

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Short: 1970s – THE HARVEY WALLBANGER

AOD_Wallbanger_show_slug_small_IMG_1614Short: 1970s – The Harvey Wallbanger
with the full Army of Drunks

Return with us to the 1970s —  an era of bell-bottoms, key parties, and generally terribly cocktails — to discover the Harvey Wallbanger, the most refreshing summer drink with the most fictionalized history in all of bartending.  The Army of Drunks asks the burning question: How can a cocktail made of so many lies take so damn delicious?

We also delve into the cocktail’s inherent dichotomy:  Is Wallbanger is a girlie drink or a manly drink?  And play along at home as Eric challenges everyone to “Real Cocktail or Real Canadian?”  (Note: We clearly lost track of the score.  Sorry about that.  We were drunk.)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_1970s_Harvey_Wallbanger_Show_1-2.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Harvey Wallbanger

  • 1 1/2 oz. (3 parts) vodka
  • 3 oz (6 parts) orange juice
  • 1/2 oz (1 part) Galliano (a.k.a. Liquore Galliano L’Autentico, if you want to be that way.)

Stir the vodka, orange juice and ice in a highball glass.  Float the Galliano on the top.  Garnish with an orange slice and serve outside on the lawn.

(Optional: Place all car keys in a bowl.  Blindly draw a set of keys from said bowl.  Match the keys with the car-owner.  Have awkward “swinging” sex with that person.)

FOR HISTORICAL REFERENCE: AN ORIGINAL “HARVEY WALLBANGER” SALES POSTER
(See what me mean about “Meth-Head Ziggy?”)
Harvey Wallbanger Poster

AND GRAB YOUR STRANGELY-UNRELATED WALLBANGER MERCH NOW!

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Short: 1960s – THE RUSTY NAIL

AOD_1960s_Rusty_Nail_slug_SMALL_IMG_1282Short: 1960s – The Rusty Nail
with Katie Massa and Björk*

*The Icelandic bark liqueur Björk, not the Icelandic elfin singer Björk.

“Drink-a-Decade” enters the 60s with the Rusty Nail, a drink popularized by the Rat Pack and the best use of Drambuie since getting your grandmother to pass out at Christmas.  We explore the history of a cocktail with its roots in British Industry, but which never caught on until — surprise, surprise — a big-time liquor company got behind it.

Is it too sweet or just sweet enough?  Fortunately MixMa$ter Therm ran extensive experiments to find the optimal Rusty Nail scotch-to-Drambuie ratio, and we pass that hard-won information on to you.

We also sample Björk, the Icelandic bark-based liqueur that has nothing to do with the singer, honestly, but comes with a stick in every bottle, and play “Name That Sex Act” with Rusty Nails.  (NSFW as always.)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_1950s_Black_Russian_Show.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Rusty Nail – MixMa$ter Therm Ratio

  • 5 parts scotch
  • 2 parts Drambuie liqueur

There seems to be no clear consensus on the ratio of scotch to Drambuie in a Rusty Nail, with some recipes calling for as high as 1-to-1.  (And damn, is that disgustingly sweet.)  Our experience is that 5 parts scotch to 2 parts Drambuie yields a cocktail that’s got enough of the sweet “delicious” factor without going too far over the line.  However, if that’s still too sweet for you, a 4-to-1 mix might suit you better.

And as will all cocktails of the period, just mix everything in a glass with ice.  It’s not that complicated.

THE RUSTY RATIOS ALL LAID OUT
IMG_1284

AND A BOTTLE OF BJÖRK!
bjork 10605993_10153274273096177_3933967917870346137_n

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Short: 1950s – THE BLACK RUSSIAN

AOD_Black Russian_slug_small_IMG_1288Short: 1950s – The Black Russian
with Katie Massa and The Municipal Bloodbank Players*

“Drink-a-Decade” enters the cold war with a cocktail created for the amabssador of Luxembourg.  (Seriously.)

It’s the Black Russian, a drink so sweet and delicious you’ll forget it was born under the shadow of two great super-powers who hoped to destroy each other.  Learn about the White Russian and other far-less-drinkable variations that you really don’t want to try.  We also delve into the burning question of “Salve or ointment?” and also reveal where the hell Spork has been hiding all this time.  (Spoiler: It’s all about the Coachella Hippos.)  And we play “Black Russian, Bond Villain or Porn Star!”

*The Municipal Bloodbank Players do not actually appear in this show.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_1950s_Black_Russian_Show.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Black Russian Cocktail

  • 5 parts vodka
  • 2 parts Kahlua or other coffee liqueur

Mix everything in a glass with ice and stir gently.  Really, it’s that simple.  And to make a White Russian, just add 3 parts half-and-half.  (Or commercial “Mocha Mix” if you want to go the full Lebowski.)

AND HERE’S THE WIKIPEDIA ENTRY ON THE WOMAN WHO INSPIRED THE COCKTAIL ITSELF
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perle_Mesta

Ain’t history grand?

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Short: 1940s – THE HURRICANE


AoD_1940s_Hurricane_slug_smal_IMG_1270Short: 1940s – The Hurricane
with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin

“Drink-a-Decade” pulls into your harbor with the cocktail that was given away free to sailors!

It’s the Hurricane!  Drink yourself back to WWII-era New Orleans, when scotch was rare, and rum was flowing like seamen on shore-leave.  Discover the fruity-as-fuck concoction that made drinking in the streets famous.  We also discuss the New Jersey marschino cherrijuana bust.  And Katie Massa vomits into Jason Berlin’s mouth like a momma bird*  (NSFW as always.)

*Katie Massa does not vomit into anyone’s mouth.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_1940s_Hurricane_Show.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Hurricane Cocktail – The Army of Drunks version

Let’s start by saying there doesn’t seem to be any agreement on how this cocktail is made. Some recipes use passion fruit juice, others insist on passion fruit syrup (good luck finding that at your local Walmart).  We started with the following recipe, but found that it was too damn sweet.  MixMa$ter Therm modified it to exclude the simple syrup, and that’s what we settled on before we passed out.  It’s a good-enough system for determining success.

  • 2oz light rum
  • 2oz dark tum
  • 2oz passion fruit juice
  • 1 oz orange juice
  • Juice of half a lime
  • 1 tsp simple syrup (though we like it better without it.)
  • 1 tsp grenadine
  • Orange slice and cherry for garnish
  • Ice

As usual, pour every last liquid thing in a cocktail shaker with ice and shake it like you mean it.  Pour into a hurricane glass over ice.  You do have a hurricane glass, don’t you?

NEED A HURRICANE GLASS?

MIXMA$TER THERM DRESSES FOR AUDIO!
 IMG_0370_copy
Semi-authentic 40’s garb!

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Short: 1930s – THE BROWN DERBY

AoD_1930s_Brown_Derby_Slug_small_IMG_0408Short: 1930s – The Brown Derby
with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin

“Drink-a-Decade” rolls on like a runaway freight train that only smashes a stalled-out schoolbus once every two weeks!

Drink your way back to the Golden Age of Hollywood with the Brown Derby, a delightful blend of whiskey, grapefruit and honey that was possibly invented by Douglas Fairbanks, but definitely made famous in a giant hat.  Also, Jason Berlin spills the beans on his Evil Grandma Betty, and Katie Massa punches-out a raccoon!* (NSFW as always.)

*Katie Massa does not punch-out a raccoon.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_1930s_Brown_Derby_Show_1-2.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Brown Derby Cocktail

  • 1.5 oz Bourbon
  • 1 oz Fresh grapefruit juice (or from a jar, if you must, but don’t used that sweetened stuff)
  • 1/2 oz Honey syrup (like simple syrup, but with honey.  1 part honey, 1 part water, and hey, you can even make it on the fly if you’re that kind of lazy*)

Put all ingredients in a cocktail shaker.  Shake.  Pour into glass, martini-shaped or otherwise.  Garnish with citrus peel of choice (except lime).  Drink.  Pretend you’re Douglas Fairbanks or Carole Lombard.  Drink more.  Become convinced you’re Douglas Fairbanks or Carole Lombard.

*But don’t be that kind of lazy.  It’s embarrassing.

DRUNK BOOK ALERT!
Once again, we referenced the Savoy Cocktail book in our show.  If you don’t own it, you should buy it now.  That’s an order.

 

And MixMa$ter Therm Goes All-30’s and Gets Dressed-Up for Radio!
Which is more dedication than you ever showed.
IMG_0367

Finally, a Depressing Photo of Brown Derby Plaza
And a link to the Yelp review of their apparently-shitty valet parking.
derby_plaza2007

http://www.yelp.com/biz/brown-derby-plaza-valet-los-angeles

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Short: 1920s – THE BEE’S KNEES

AOD_Bees_Knees_Slug_small_IMG_0398Short: 1920s – The Bee’s Knees
with Katie Massa and Jason Berlin

It’s “Drink-a-Decade,” which is as catchy as we can pull off when we’ve had a few.  The Army of Drunks is profiling one cocktail to represent the spirit of each decade, and we’re starting with Prohibition.  Enjoy the 1920’s-era Bee’s Knees, the cocktail so delightfully sweet it can mask even the most formaldehyde-laden bathtub gin.  (But we suggest something botanical.)  Buck and Vanessa are on break, so welcome Katie Massa and Jason Berlin, who can tell you all about evil grandmas and getting arrested while wearing Daisy Dukes.  (NSFW as always.)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_1920s_Bees_Knees_Show_1-2.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Bee’s Knees Cocktail

  • 2 oz  Gin (Dry gin is more historically accurate, but botanical gin works like magic.)
  • 3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
  • 3/4 oz honey simple syrup (one part honey, one part water)
  • Lemon twist to garnish

First, choose your gin.  Yes, a dry gin is more historically accurate, but a more modern botanical gin mixes really well with the honey.  (And face it, if you really wanted to be historically accurate you’d use bathtub gin mixed with formaldehyde.)  Then make some honey simple syrup the same way you make regular simple syrup, but with honey.  (We know that’s complicated, but breathe through it.)  Then squeeze a lemon, because anyone using store-bought lemon juice is a bounder and a cad.  Mix all the liquid ingredients in a shaker.  Shake like the cops are busting down the door.  Pour into your glass of choice (a martini glass works nicely), add the lemon twist and enjoy.

MixMa$ter Therm dresses for the decade.
therm bees knees 1920s small IMG_0362

And Buy Your Katie-Approved Daisy Dukes here!

Along with other fine products at our Drunkstore!

 

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THE BLUE HAWAII(an) SHOW – with the Army of Drunks

AOD blue hawaiian show slug_small IMG_2668THE BLUE HAWAII(an) SHOW
With the Army of Drunks

What’s the difference between a Blue Hawaii and a Blue Hawaiian?  Not much!  But the difference could save your life!!*  Listen as the Army dives face-first into the drink that arguably started Tiki culture in America.  Also, we once again thank the good people of Florida for Booze News!  No guest in this archive show, just the Army of Drunks getting loaded for the good of our country.

*This difference will probably not save your life.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_Blue_Hawaii_Show_1-2.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Blue Hawaii Cocktail

  • 3/4 oz. Light Rum
  • 3/4 oz. Vodka
  • 1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
  • 3 oz. Pineapple Juice
  • 1 oz. Sweet & Sour Mix (Making your own is better, and not that hard.)
  • A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and one of those tiny umbrellas. (If you want to do it right.)

Combine all the liquid ingredients (not the fruit and the umbrella, asshat) in a cocktail shaker, or blend in a blender (or anything else that blends) with ice.  Serve in an appropriately Tiki-like glass.  Stab the fruit with the umbrella and garnish.  Drink.  Think of simpler times.

And the Blue Hawaiian Cocktail

  • 3/4 oz. Light Rum
  • 3/4 oz. Vodka
  • 1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
  • 3 oz. Pineapple Juice
  • 1 oz. Cream of Coconut
  • A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and one of those tiny umbrellas. (Seriously, do we have to explain this?)

Spend a long time in the grocery store looking for cream of coconut, until you remember it’s not coconut milk.  Combine all the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker, or blend in a blender with ice.  Pour in a Tiki glass.  Add the garnish.  Remark on how much more dessert-like it is than the other drink.

And the Army of Drunks original Blue Hawaiish™ Cocktail

  • 3/4 oz. Light Rum
  • 3/4 oz. Vodka
  • 1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
  • 3 oz. Pineapple Juice
  • 1/2 oz. Cream of Coconut
  • 1/2 oz. Sweet & Sour Mix
  • A cherry, a wedge of pineapple, and… blah blah blah…

Combine all the ingredients in a thingie.  Pour into mouth-hole.  Strum ukulele.

And here’s MixMa$ter Therm in his snazzy tuxedo!

IMG_2664

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THE COSMOPOLITAN SHOW – with Jackie Monahan

AOD_Cosmo_show_IMG_0236_smallTHE COSMOPOLITAN SHOW
With Jackie Monahan
and Special Guest-Spork Katie Massa

In honor of both Valentine’s Day and Lincoln’s Birthday, we investigate the Cosmopolitan cocktail, the drink made famous as the biggest “girlie” drink of the last decade.  But is it more “gay” than “girlie?”  And does that even matter to an evolved drunk such as yourself?   We also sit down with comedienne Jackie Monahan, who tells us what it’s like to be a “lesbian comedian” who starts dating a guy.  Plus, guest Spork Katie Massa, pantsless booze news, and Shaw has the conch!*  (Very NSFW, very LGBT-friendly!)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://traffic.libsyn.com/armyofdrunks/AOD_Cosmopolitan_Show_1-2.mp3

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Cosmopolitan Cocktail

  • 1 1/2  oz vodka (or vodka citron, or your own citrus- infused vodka if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
  • 1/2 oz Rose’s® lime juice (or fresh-squeezed lime juice if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
  • 1/2 oz cranberry juice (or unfiltered cranberry juice plus simple syrup if you’re MixMa$ter Therm)
  • 1/2 oz triple sec (or Contreau if you’re MixMa$ter Therm, or you weren’t raised behind a free clinic)

Put all ingredients in a shaker.  Shake like you mean it.  Pour into a martini glass.  Garnish with lemon slice or orange slice.  Pretend “Sex in the City” is still on the air.

CHECK OUT JACKIE’S SITE
http://www.jackiemonahan.com

AND WATCH JACKIE’S MOVIES ON AMAZON VIDEO

AND CHECK OUT KATIE MASSA’S SITE
http://www.katiemassa.com

AND BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED IT
http://www.hsfreeclinic.org

*Who got the Lord of the Flies reference?  Anyone?  Your junior high english teacher would be proud.

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THE AVIATION SHOW – with Rico Gagliano

AOD Aviation Slug IMG_0053

THE AVIATION SHOW
With Rico Gagliano

Does gin make a man mean?  Find out as we join public radio host Rico Gagliano of The Dinner Party Download and discover the Aviation Cocktail, a drink so smooth, yet so incendiary.  Also, we discuss the worst interviewee in rock and roll, Spork’s Magic 8-Ball trip, and why cake pops can fuck off.   Also, Eric says some embarrassing things about the Serial podcast.  (Sorry, Sarah Koenig.  Nothing but respect.) (NSFW as always.)

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-aviation-show

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Aviation Cocktail

  • 2 oz Gin
  • .5 oz Maraschino liqueur
  • .5 oz Crème de violette or Crème Yvette
  • .5 oz Lemon juice
  • Luxardo Cherry if you have any style at all

Put all the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and shake like you mean it.  Pour into a martini glass and garnish with a Luxardo cherry.  (Points off for using the maraschino.)  Adjust the lemon juice to taste.

Here’s a link to the Dinner Party Download Official Site!
http://www.dinnerpartydownload.org

Also, the old Ministry of Unknown Science comedy pilot!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TatpKziUH2o

Hey!  Get clean with our new sponsor Outlaw Soap!

And Cake Pops can Fuck Off!

Finally, thanks to Evan Dorkin’s “Milk and Cheese” comic for the phrase “Gin makes a man mean.”

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THE OLD FASHIONED SHOW – with Johnny Amerika

AOD_Old Fashioned_Show Slug_small_IMG_3740

 

OLD FASHIONED SHOW
With Johnny Amerika

Meet mad genius Johnny Amerika who builds the sort of machines you only come up with when you’re drunk as the Army of Drunks get ice-balls deep in the (Whisky) Old Fashioned cocktail, a drink older than anyone alive today.  We also hear news from the drunken hamlet of River Falls, learn the story of a real-live Killdozer, and drink seven-week-old eggnog without dying.

Subsribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen directly here!
http://armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-old-fashioned-show

DRINK ALONG AT HOME!
The Whiskey Old-Fashioned

  • 2 oz. bourbon or rye.  (Or a mix.  We used three parts bourbon to one part rye.)
  • 1 sugar cube.  (Or 1/2 oz simple syrup.)
  • Angostura bitters
  • Orange slice and/or peel
  • One non-marchino cherry (optional)

Put a sugar cube in a glass and soak it down with bitters.  (And add a little water if that’s how you roll.)  Muddle it.  Pour in the booze.  Add a slice of orange or orange peel, and a cherry.  DO NOT MUDDLE THE FRUIT, DAMN IT!  Serve like you mean it.

MixMa$ter Therm gazes with dread upon the seven-week old eggnog.
AOD_Therm_Eggnog_IMG_3737

Here’s Johnny’s  trebuchet commercial.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbG9i1oGPA

And the story of Marvin Heemeyer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvin_Heemeyer

 

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THE VESPER MARTINI SHOW – with Cece Pleasants

AOD vesper text slug_smallVESPER MARTINI SHOW
with Cece Pleasants

Screw that fragile mama’s-boy Daniel Craig!*  The drunks get loaded the original James Bond martini — the Vesper — made up by novelist Ian Fleming himself, and promise not to make a single lame-ass “shaken” or “stirred” joke.  Then we talk with late-night comedy writer and comedienne Cece Pleasants about what it’s like to get cancelled, why some female comics turn gay, and the power of Arsenio’s finger.  (NSFW, as always.)

*Daniel Craig could easily kick our collective ass, and we have nothing but respect for him and his body of work.  He is also a great James Bond.

Subscribe on iTunes!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-army-of-drunks/id936560275

Or listen here!
http://armyofdrunks.libsyn.com/the-vesper-martini-show

DRINK ALONG AT HOME
The Vesper Martini

  • 3 measures of gin (Fleming specified Gordon’s)
  • 1 measure of vodka
  • 1/2 measure Lillet
  • Lemon peel for garnish

Measure all of the ingredients into a cocktail shaker with some ice and shake.   Do not stir.  (Anyone who insists that the only way to properly make a martini is by stirring it is an asshole and should be ignored.)  Rinse a martini glass — or champagne goblet, as the novel specifies — with Lillet before pouring the drink and garnishing with lemon peel.  Then imbibe, shoot nefarious henchman, dispense obvious witticism, bed impossible female.

IAN FLEMING’S EXACT DESCRIPTION
(from the novel Casino Royale)

“A dry martini,” [Bond] said. “One. In a deep champagne goblet.”

“Oui, monsieur.”

“Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?”

“Certainly, monsieur.” The barman seemed pleased with the idea.

“Gosh, that’s certainly a drink,” said Leiter.

Bond laughed. “When I’m…er…concentrating,” he explained, “I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made. I hate small portions of anything, particularly when they taste bad. This drink’s my own invention. I’m going to patent it when I can think of a good name.”

—Ian Fleming, Casino Royale, Chapter 7, “Rouge et Noir’

 

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